SUCCESS WITH SUFFERING
By
Bill Cottringer



The title to this article may seem like an oxymoron but that is probably the main point. Human suffering—physical pain, devastating property damage, illness, poverty, ruined lives from addictions, immorality, crime and divorce, and depression from failure to get anywhere in life—is a real paradox and problem that aggressive solutions don’t seem to solve very well.

For whatever ultimate purpose there is for suffering, it is as much a part of life as night and day, summer and winter, good and evil, wealth and poverty, sickness and health, and success and failure. It is part of the package of life and you really can’t do much about it, except try to understand the paradox of suffering. This understanding helps alleviate unnecessary suffering about suffering, which just makes an unbreakable vicious circle of feverishly trying to do something to stop something you don’t really understand.

Four major institutions have tried to put a dent in a variety of forms of suffering—the medical, religious/spiritual, psychological and economic mega-solutions. But have we really made much progress? A “no” is an honest answer, because it is not the suffering that goes on that is the main problem, but rather the wrong interpretations, lack of understanding and erroneous approaches we try. And maybe we need to rethink the traditional definition of “suffering” we currently have, to diminish all the extra negative connotations that inhibit accurate understanding and identifying a solution. It is something to eliminate and avoid at all costs and that interpretation and approach have never seemed to have been very successful.

Believe me when I say I have had my fair share of suffering and failures to try and get past this most unpleasant aspect of life, so I speak here not from my head but from my heart’s bleeding and my body’s bruises and broken bones. Let’s do a reality check about four important points about suffering. Here’s what we should be exploring in a better understanding and learning what we can and can’t do to be more effective in dealing with the problem.

1. Emotional and physical suffering is an inevitable part of life that just happens like rain, wind, snow and hail. It is only productive to imagine some positive purpose to it in order to help lighten its burden and stronghold on us; dwelling on its negative purposes and aspects just increases its power and duration.
2. The main positive purpose to suffering is that it is a test to (a) shame and coax us into losing our unproductive egos, becoming more humble, acknowledging our role and contribution in creating the suffering or making it worse than it needs to be, and knowing who is really in charge (b) inspire our empathy and compassion for one another to join forces against something we really don’t like or have much control over, except with our own interpretations and reactions (c) challenge us to use more diligence, creativity, courage and mindfulness to learn, grow and improve into the best person we can be and eventually achieve the bounty of breathless moments of happiness, success and peace we deserve in the roller-coaster ride of life.
3. Our own personal suffering is as severe as our perceptions make it and there is no way to accurately and completely communicate our suffering to another person or even try to understand theirs. The gravity of suffering is mainly in the eyes of those who are experiencing it now; but even if we come up short on empathy, we can freely offer compassion to each other’s suffering, as a down payment for when we need it ourselves.
4. There is very little you can do to eliminate or even minimize the suffering you or others go through—other than to see its positive and beneficial purpose, try to show compassion, understanding and patience with others, and take honest ownership for any part you may have played in helping create it or keep it going. First of all, words are useless when only actions are needed; but helpful actions are hard to come by when you are feeling frustrated, unloved, hopeless, angry, lethargic and hurt.

In the end, I think we all have to develop a workable “salvation prescription” to deal with the inevitable suffering we go though. Here’s a prescription that worked well for me. Maybe it can serve as a general blueprint to customize for other individual situations.

SOME SERIOUS SUFFERING

My own "big three" cumulative personal "afflictions" with suffering were nearly my total crash and burn, self-destructive downfall: (a) my "love" addiction that ruined way too many relationships and women's lives and left me emotionally and financially unprepared (b) my nagging, vague creative urge for greatness with only average intelligence and abilities to translate these feelings to a worthy product, and letting this frustration keep the importance of doing my best in my jobs and careers in focus, and losing some of them because of this priority reversal (c) my ADHD that kept me from slowing down long enough to look at the wake of destruction I was causing to myself and others and not owning up to my contribution in creating and continuing it.

The intermediate result (and nearly end one) of a, b and c was a very deep and dark hole of being homeless, jobless, friendless, penniless and nearly humorless, hopeless and lifeless. I had a very hard time when I was driving down the road with my 190K beat-up, un-air-conditioned, nearly brakeless, Ford Festiva, not allowing my hands swerve the steering wheel into on-coming traffic. I probably would have drowned my self-pity, confusion, anger, depression, suffering and pain with booze and drugs, but I couldn't even afford that relief. It was a very tall wall of insanity.

How did I go from absolutely nothing to driving a 5-series BMW, having a great-paying and important job, getting articles and books published, being in a wonderfully satisfying relationship and living in a comfortable home of my own? Here was what I did—my personal prescription for suffering salvation—and this is what you may have to figure out yourself and do your own way, when suffering comes your way.

1. I exercised more than ever to feel as good as I could physically and mentally. I ran, walked and exercised regularly for 6 hours a day in blazing heat and unbearable humidity, only to come back to an empty refrigerator and hot, dingy apartment and worse yet, no solution.
2. I forced myself to slow down and take an honest look at all I had done in my lifetime (58 years) to get myself into such a dismal, bleak, and hopelessly insane situation with no way out. That was the hard part!
3. I became as clever, flexible, and diligent as I could to apply for jobs of any sort, and anywhere. I probably applied for over 3000 jobs in 12 months of tortuous unemployment and very little money. I never gave into the overwhelming temptation to quit and I began to thank my parents for earlier instilling a no-quit rule on my brain. To build stick-to-itness, my father made me mow the double, corner lot we had with a push-mower, before I could go out and mow the neighbor’s lawns to earn money for my school clothes. I hated that, but saw the value much later.
4. I sought out the compassion and help from my two lifetime friends, Bob and Larry, who helped me stay alive and have hope, with their friendship, words and money. I am paying them back now, when they need it most, just like them helping me when I needed it most. That is what friends are for.
5. My oldest daughter Deisha helped me understand such suffering as it is part of God's plan to test us and help us develop more virtuous characters and become who we are meant to be, by turning me onto a couple of key spiritual books (Pruning the Vine, Experiencing God and Purpose-Driven Life) and giving me true Christian compassion. Sometimes we need outside information and help to get unstuck, because the current information or help we have doesn’t provide any answers.
6. I wrote a letter to God asking for the wisdom, courage and strength to see and do what I needed to do to get out of this mess (I smartly resisted my natural temptation to just ask for relief for a mess I created) . I made a sincere promise to pay back the mercy, when I finally didn’t need it. I have kept that promise.
7. I accepted the “relief” when it came unexpectedly at 3a one Tuesday night. Now I am here in beautiful Seattle living it and appreciating every moment and making every moment count without forgetting were the relief came from.
8. I went back and thanked everyone who had helped me and I asked for personal forgiveness from all those I had “offended” during my wake of destruction.
9. At this point, I suspect that there will be more serious suffering headed my way that I was just in training for during this latest episode. But at least I am better equipped to pass the test and get my degree in life.



William Cottringer, Ph.D. is President of Puget Sound Security in Bellevue, WA. He is author of You Can Have Your Cheese & Eat It Too and The Bow-Wow Secrets: How Dogs Live a Simple Life & People Don’t. Bill welcomes comments and questions and can be reached at either (425) 454-5011 or bcottringer.pssp.net