HOW GREAT IS YOUR RELATIONSHIP?

© 2007 William Cottringer, Ph.D.

A popular approach today in helping organizations, couples and individuals move forward is called Appreciative Inquiry, or AI for short. This system is much more than a simple theory because it reflects the positive direction that human consciousness is evolving towards. What AI is all about is focusing on what is right rather than on what is wrong and what the problems are that need fixing. In this spirit, it makes more sense to study the attributes of great relationships to build on the things that seem to work best and create an ideal model to strive towards. Take this little test that has the ten main variables that most influence the overall quality of a relationship.

Directions: Read each relationship aspect with its following explanation and then rate both: (a) the degree of importance this particular aspect is to you, and (b) how well your relationship is doing on this aspect. In both cases, circle a number from 1 to 10 which best represents your judgment, 10 being the highest and 1 being the lowest value. Then interpret your score according to the key below. If you use this test to improve the quality of your relationship, start by using your most important relationship aspects and best strengths to help improve the most important aspects that you are not doing as well in as you would like.

1. COMPATIBILITY.

How comfortable are you in your mutual attractiveness, sexuality, intelligence, personality natures, values, character, recreational interests, emotionality, life goals, and personal preferences? Do you have fun together? Can you cry, work, play, meander and laugh together? Is there a good fit?

Degree of Importance? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Where are you at? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10


2. OPTIMISM.

Are you are both hopeful about the future and believe in your potential for reaping good things in life? Do have strong feelings that you deserve an abundance of good things? Are you easily able to maintain a positive attitude during stress, conflict and adversity? Do your learn from your failures?

Degree of Importance? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Where are you at? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10


3. COMMUNICATION.

How open are you with communication in the relationship? Do you understand each other well? How easy is conversation? Are you more supportive and appreciative than defensive and annoyed? How well do you keep the emotions separate from the issues? Do your go deep?

Degree of Importance? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Where are you at? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10


4. HONESTY.

Is there a good foundation of trust in the relationship? Has trust been eroded by any dishonest acts? Are there any suspicions of dishonesty? Is integrity high on both people’s priority list? Are boundaries clearly communicated, fair and respected?

Degree of Importance? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Where are you at? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10


5. FLEXIBILITY.

How flexible, adaptable to change, tolerant of differences and open to growing are you both? Are there any rigidities getting in the way? Are there any control issues that are bothersome? Are you able to be spontaneous enough or are things too contrived?

Degree of Importance? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Where are you at? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10


6. BALANCE.

Is there a healthy interdependence between you and your partner—a good balance between each of you being able to hang onto your own identity and enjoy your private space and yet also be dependent upon the “us” of the relationship? Are any areas of your life out of balance, like too much work and too little play, one person giving more than the other, etc.?

Degree of Importance? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Where are you at? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

7. LOVE.

How mature is your love? Is there a spark of romantic magic and strong chemistry? Are you both able to grow into unconditional love? Do both of you accept one another for who you are? Do you exchange love gifts that meet each other’s needs? Are you able to share love with family and friends, nature and each other equally? Are you empathetic to the needs of others?

Degree of Importance? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Where are you at? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10


8. LIKEABILITY.

How agreeable, friendly, pleasant, easy-going, humorous, spontaneous positive, polite, and emotionally stable are you both? Are you best friends? Are you free to become more likeable?

Degree of Importance? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Where are you at? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10


9. RECONCILIATION.

Do you both view conflicts as opportunities for you to grow into better people or as unpleasant situations to avoid? Are you assertive or prone to being passive or aggressive? Do you work together to fix things and make them better? Are you both forgiving?

Degree of Importance? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Where are you at? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10


10. SPIRITUALITY.


How central is God in the relationship? Are you evenly yoked in your spiritual beliefs and practices? Are you generous and giving? Do you respect all things? Do you enjoy serving a greater good? Do you practice hope, faith, love and forgiveness?

Degree of Importance? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Where are you at? 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10

Total Score _________


Key

163-200 = Great relationship, congratulations!
123-162 = A good relationship, could be better.
82-122 = Relationship needs some help to go from surviving to thriving.
41-81 = Poor relationship, needs a lot of help.
1-40 = You might explore why you are still in this relationship.



William Cottringer, Ph.D. Is President of Puget Sound Security in Bellevue, WA. He is author of You Can Have Your Cheese & Eat It Too and The Bow-Wow Secrets. He can be reached for comments and questions at bcottringer.pssp.net or (425) 454-5011.