The Power of Likability © 2002 William Cottringer

Do you want to get results and be successful? Do you want to make quick progress in closing the gap between where you are and where you really want to be? There is a natural, easy solution. Be likable!

A healthy dose of likability will get you further in anything you do. Likable people have the most positive influence with others and let's face it; success in the people business is what counts.

Over the years I have studied likability, trying to identify the most common characteristics that influence people to see others as likable or unlikable. My goal was to uncover a prescription for teaching people how to be most likable.

Recently, I conducted a widespread survey to verify and clarify my intuitive impressions of these two judgments. I simply asked a wide variety of people to tell me the top five behaviors that influence them in seeing another person as likable and the top five behaviors that influence a perception of unlikability.

Ten main groups of similar behaviors appeared most frequently from the combined lists. The results create an excellent likability prescription. These are things you can easily do to increase your likability and subsequently achieve more success.

BE HONEST

Honesty vs. dishonesty is clearly the number one issue in determining likability or unlikability. Dishonesty of any sort is quickly perceived as a very disturbing and unlikable trait. It also carries a "permanent" connotation that isn't easily erased. Honesty is a deeply held value and can run all the way from a person's surface sincerity and "realness" to his or her fundamental morality, truthfulness, and trustworthiness.

All dishonest behavior- duplicitous statements or actions- generate mistrust. Trust is especially necessary for good communication. Good communication is the heart of satisfying and productive interpersonal relationships, which in turn are a big part of any success.

The reason that dishonesty is such an important issue in leading to a quick and permanent perception of unlikability is that we tend to personalize it. Present dishonest behavior reminds us of a past occasion where we were deeply hurt by a person's dishonesty. All the negative emotions rise to the surface.

For example, when someone avoids eye contact with me and hesitates in answering my questions, it reminds me of a very uncomfortable situation I had with a dishonest salesperson not long ago. Or, when I sense someone is beginning to tell little white lies, I vividly remember my last marriage failure, which started out that way.

The best approach is to concentrate on becoming the most sincere, integrated, genuine, honest, and trustworthy person you can be and assertively confront another person's dishonesty when it offends you. Be honest!

BE HUMBLE

People clearly do not like arrogant, selfish or conceited people. We all prefer to be around humble, generous achievers. Knowing this reality, it should be easy to control your tendency to be self-centered, aloof or overbearing when dealing with others. Why would you want to do anything that is sure to brand you as unlikable and lead to inevitable failure?

We all want to be "somebody" and our egos can easily become too noisy and annoying if we don't make a conscious effort to keep them in check. Be a quiet, likable achiever and show interest in other's accomplishments. That is a better way to draw attention to yourself and be seen as the important, successful person you are. Be humble!

SHOW EMPATHY

Empathy is high on the list of characteristics that influence likability. Empathy is showing sensitivity, understanding, and acceptance of other people's thoughts, feelings and experiences. We all want to be understood, accepted for who we are, and given genuine respect. Empathy serves two valuable purposes. First, it is the quickest way to dissolve the differences that keep people apart. Secondly, it helps us all feel the way we want to feel. It is a powerful tool.

In developing empathy, critical judgments are replaced by acceptance, understanding and compassion. For example, the next time somebody acts in a way that you disapprove of, take some time to learn more about why he or she did it. Think back when someone criticized you before they understood your motives. How did that make you feel? Empathy is simply putting the Golden Rule into practice. Show empathy!

LAUGH OFTEN

The next most important thing that influences peoples' perceptions of others as being likable is a sense of humor. Displaying good humor may mean anything from laughing easily to being fun-loving. The point is, showing some type of appropriate humor is extremely valuable in being perceived as likable. Humor is a sign of playfulness, openness, and happiness, which are all highly attractive behaviors.

Check out your humor level and restock it if need be. When I find myself getting too serious, I visit the zoo, check out some humor web sites, browse the comedy section of my local video store, read a good joke book or buy a Farside desk calendar. Life has its serious moments, but it is healthier to view it as a comedy of errors. Besides, don't take life too seriously because you are not going to get out of it alive! And remember, if you can't laugh at yourself, then others will probably do it for you. Being able to laugh at your own shortcomings is a sign of inner security, which is quickly perceived as a likable sign. Laugh often!

BE POSITIVE

Just like dishonesty, negativity of any sort is a quick turnoff. Unlikable negativity can include a wide variety of things such as pessimism, complaining, worrying, blaming, frustration, jealousy, helplessness, lack of cooperation, and criticism. Such negativity is generally associated with people who do not believe in their own power to change things for the better. A negative, pessimistic mindset often emerges from a few early failures that have spiraled out of control with negative self-talk.

If you are leaning toward negativity and risking being seen as unlikable, it is time for you to deal with whatever it is that is making you unhappy. You can start by challenging the usefulness of your negative beliefs. Are they helping you to be successful or are they bringing on more failure, which makes you unhappy? A positive change in attitude starts when you notice the connection between negative thoughts and negative results.

Being around negative people can be draining. When you try to change them you just get more frustrated. The best way to deal with these people is to ignore their negativity, display your positive optimism as a model, and look for the occasional positive things they do and compliment them. This is putting your likability to good use. Be positive!

CONTROL HOSTILITY

Expressing anger, aggressiveness, bitterness, hate, prejudice or loudness is the third quickest way to be perceived as unlikable, behind being dishonest and egotistical. In reality, most anger is a secondary emotion that really represents more basic feelings of hurt, frustration, disappointment, insecurity and especially fear. Showing such anger is probably intuitively perceived as another version of dishonesty. It is certainly a violation of the peace and harmony most of us value highly.

Hostility is often the result of a people’s sense of uncontrollable chaos in their lives. They direct the anger outwardly onto others and life in general, when they should be aiming it more inwardly at motivating themselves to take responsibility for making different choices to stop failing and start succeeding. The best way we can all decrease the amount of anger going on today is to not react angrily. Control hostility!

BE POLITE

Good manners influence the perception of likability. Aspects of fundamental politeness such as respect, patience, kindness, thoughtfulness, and friendliness are probably all on the front end of empathy. Even the most minor and infrequent displays of rudeness greatly influence a lasting perception of unlikability.

Treating people reverently and politely is another way of putting the Golden Rule into practice and will always be perceived as likable behavior. Showing politeness by practicing good manners is the surest way to receive the respect you want in return. It is a little thing that gets big results. Be polite!

ACT SMART

People clearly prefer intelligent people to unintelligent ones. Intelligence can be assumed from many things such as good judgment, common sense, creativity, competence, open-mindedness, memory, clear expression, focused attention, and several other mental "skills." People assume degrees of intelligence in other people from the results they see regarding competencies that are important to them.

For instance, in a job interview, your ability to organize your thoughts and express them clearly may be viewed as most important. While on a job, your ability to focus on priorities and solve problems may be important factors in your employer's assessment of your performance. In social situations, other people may be more influenced by your open-mindedness and common sense.

Personally, I think that using whatever mental, emotional and social skills you have to become likable is one of the best applications of intelligence. If you are likable you are using your intelligence productively to get where you want to be. You are also more likely to be successful. Act smart!

APPEAR ATTRACTIVE

An attractive appearance that influences likability is not one based on innate physical looks alone. In fact it is based more on proper grooming and hygiene, good eye contact, pleasant voice, clean "friendly" clothes, social poise, and inner confidence and harmony. All these things work together to make up a pleasant overall appearance. A friendly smile is the single best clue to showing a likable appearance.

Practice good grooming and hygiene, dress neatly and interestingly, use intimate eye contact and speak with a warm voice. In other words, develop personal poise. Also, work on building your inner happiness and contentment with positive self-talk, so it will show on the outside. Add a frequent smile and your appearance will then take care of itself. Appear attractive!

LISTEN MORE

People generally like good listeners and dislike talkers and interrupters. This is because we all want to be understood, have our say, and be treated politely. We think we have a lot to say, but when we truly listen, we may find that we don't really need to say as much. And, good listening always tells you what you need to know in order to give the best response. Of course, listening is the best way to respect others and to learn empathy. It pays to listen well.

Probably the easiest way to increase your likability is to become a better listener. You can do this by talking less and giving the other person your full attention. Listen carefully to what is being said, along with how it is being said to get the full meaning. Be patient and tune out all your distractions so you can truly understand the other person. What could be easier and more productive than good listening? Listen more!

FINAL THOUGHTS

People quickly perceive you to be likable or unlikable. People compare your outward behaviors intuitively to important common values they have. When your behaviors are seen to be in agreement with their common values, they judge you as likable. When your behaviors contradict or offend other people's common values they judge you as unlikable.

Obviously, there are different degrees of likability and unlikability. Differences can occur many ways, such as when one or more behaviors are in sync or at odds with another person's most important values or when there is a mixture of likable and unlikable behaviors.

For instance, when a person displays complete honesty or tremendous empathy with another who values those things highly, then he or she will be seen as very likable. This may be in spite of the person having a poor appearance, lacking a sense of humor, or being somewhat conceited. Another person might be able to compensate for an average intelligence with an exceptional smile and impressive politeness. Then there might be the person who shows too much hostility to have other likable behaviors even noticed.

Being likable is natural and easy because it is the right way to be. Two of our most basic human needs are to be liked and to be successful. Practice any of these ten simple habits in order to increase your likability and improve your chances for success.

Here is a suggestion. Have some intimate conversations with important people in your life about what is most influential in determining another person's likability or unlikability. Take the following likability test. Then discuss what your results mean and what you can do to be perceived as more likable. You will be surprised at the amount of interesting and useful dialogue this will open up.


William Cottringer, Ph.D. is a business consultant, college teacher, sport psychologist and writer from St. Louis, MO. He is also author of You Can Have Your Cheese & Eat It Too. He can be reached at (314) 531-2000 or ckurtdoc.charter.net

LIKABILITY SELF-ASSESSMENT TEST
© 2002 William Cottringer, Ph.D.

Convincing evidence indicates that a person's Likability Quotient--the social skills and emotional competencies that make up personality--are more important that IQ in determining success. Take the following test to see how high your LQ is.

Directions: Place a check mark () in the appropriate column that indicates how often these things are true for you, according to this key. Be honest and don't exaggerate!

0 = Never 2 = Occasionally 5 = Often 7 = Frequently 10 = Always


Likability aspects: Frequency
0 2 5 7 10
1. Other people comment on my good appearance.

2. I maintain a positive, optimistic attitude even when things are going very badly.
3. Friends compliment me on my smile and sense of humor.

4. People tell me their problems because I am approachable and a good listener.
5. I enjoy hearing about other people's accomplishments more than telling about mine.
6. Other people notice my intelligence and good common sense.
7. Others see me as completely honest, trustworthy, sincere and genuine.
8. People notice my politeness, kindness, good manners and courtesy.
9. I am very skilled at being sensitive and understanding of other people's thoughts, feelings & experiences.
10. I control my anger by assertively confronting the source directly.
11. I feel happy and peaceful on the inside and it shows clearly on the outside.
12. I confront people's dishonest behavior when it offends me.
13. I put my own needs and feelings aside for others.

14. People see me as relaxed and easy to get along with.

15. I can deal with negative people easily and effectively.

16. I exercise much patience, kindness and thoughtfulness when dealing with others.
17. I build other people's self-confidence and make them feel good about themselves.
18. I have a positive influence over people.

19. I practice good eye contact, have a warm smile, and speak with a pleasant voice.
20. I am completely confident in my social poise around other people.
Subtotal (Multiply the checks by the number value of the column)

Total L Score (Add all the above scores)


0 = Never 2 = Occasionally 5 = Often 7 = Frequently 10 = Always

Unlikability Aspects: Frequency
0 2 5 7 10
1. There are times when I am not completely honest with people.
2. Others have said they think I am self-centered.

3. I can't understand why people do certain things.

4. People ask me why I don't laugh or smile more.

5. I have periods when negative feelings get the best of me like jealousy, worrying, frustration and blaming others.
6. I lose my temper.

7. People have told me I have been rude.

8. I get distracted when listening to others.

9. I don't feel attractive.

10. I make mistakes in reading other people.

11. Right and wrong is getting gray for me these days.

12. I have been called arrogant and overbearing.

13. I am critical and intolerant of others.

14. I take life too seriously.

15. I have trouble keeping positive when I don't seem to be getting anywhere.
16. People have complained that I am loud and argumentative.
17. I treat people the way they deserve to be treated.

18. I have trouble organizing my thoughts and expressing myself clearly.
19. I have conflict inside that probably shows.

20. I talk more than I listen.

Subtotal (Multiply the checks by the number value of the column)
Total U Score (Add all the above scores)

Total SQ Score = L Score _______ minus U Score ________ = _________


Scoring Key

Points Meaning
+150 to +200 Exceptionally High SQ skills
+75 to +149 Above Average SQ skills
0 to +74 Average SQ skills
-1 to -99 Below Average SQ skills
-100 to -200 Very Poor SQ skills