THREE SIMPLE SUCCESS SECRETS
by
William Cottringer

Jeff is highly motivated to make his new computer business a success, but his long hours are not paying off and he can’t figure out what is wrong. Janice keeps getting passed over for promotions in her accounting job because she lacks a college degree, but she is not motivated to take the few classes she needs to finish. John is a high school student with a high IQ and excellent grades, but he doesn’t have any friends.

What do these three different people in completely dissimilar situations have in common? They do not know the three “software” secrets of success: Thinking, Determination and Likability. These things all work together to help you achieve greater success. The nice thing about it is that they are available to everyone who wants them.

THINKING

Successful thinking is using logic, creativity and common sense to get to where you want to be. You start by noticing all the little gaps that make up the big gap between where you actually are and where you really want to be. Then you figure out the best and quickest way to close all these little gaps. Sometimes you run faster (behavior), sometimes you move the finish line closer (attitude) and sometimes you do both at the same time. Much of the time it is just a matter of looking, listening and asking good questions.

Jeff needs to realize that he may not be working smart enough. There may be a gap between what he knows about business and what he needs to learn, a gap between what he thinks customers want and what they actual need, and a gap between his own good customer service skills and those of his employees.

There are three key turning points that lead to successful thinking. These are:

1. Realizing your head is probably full of incorrect or incomplete information compared to what is available. Another way of putting this is that you loose your ego.
2. Developing an insatiable hunger for learning, growing and improving. This attitude of openness prepares you better for the inevitable changes that many other people are busy resisting.
3. Understanding the value of first helping others to be successful as you are trying to be that way yourself. Sometimes we get things out of order.We all have to pay our dues first, before we can enjoy the rewards.

Jeff will achieve much more by forgetting all the obsolete marketing information he learned in college, attending some small business seminars and teaching his employees the art of customer service. He will probably even work fewer hours.

Here are some thinking skills to develop in order to improve your Thinking Quotient (TQ):

• Resolving conflicts assertively
• Developing & evaluating intuition
• Applying practical common sense
• Being creative
• Solving problems
• Testing beliefs
• Asking good questions
• Being proactive
• Verifying assumptions
• Seeing the underlying unity of things
• Using sound judgment
• Using bifocal vision- big picture/details
• Making right decisions
• Seeing connections, relationships
• Learning quickly
• Being alert/aware
• Increasing general knowledge
• Thinking critically
• Gathering hard evidence
• Being logical and rational
• Being tentative (rather than certain)
• Learning from failure
• Identifying important operating principles
• Remaining mentally flexible/open-minded

Here are ten specific activities you can do to practice better thinking skills:

1. Slow down and begin to notice the connection between the choices you are making and the results you get. Right choices get the results you want; wrong ones don’t. This rule of Karma is the way life works. It is life’s way of keeping us headed in the right direction. This fundamental truth is so obvious we often miss it, or worse yet, take it too personal and then over-react by defiantly rebelling against it (as if we can!).
2. Start asking more and better questions. Focus more on the quality of the questions than the cleverness of the answers. Life’s best secrets are hidden in the unasked questions, or the wrongly framed ones.
3. Make a conscious effort to dig a little deeper below the surface to uncover all the connections and inter-relationships between things that aren’t so noticeable. That is usually were all the real action is anyway. Besides that, you can't change something by mentally isolating it from its context. You are already very much part of the ongoing relationships that make up a situation you may be trying to change.
4. Stop assuming so much and start challenging even “sacred cows.” Verify the facts of something before assuming it to be true . You will be surprised as to how much really isn’t true . When you work up the courage to start trying to disprove your most appealing certainties, you are opening a big door of creativity ahead of you.
5. Notice that what you see is determined mainly by the location from which you are doing the looking. This is your perspective or viewpoint. Perspectives are virtually unlimited and so are the options for seeing a much bigger picture. Don’t allow yourself to be held hostage by a particular perspective. They are just stepping-stones. Move around and open your eyes.
6. Look at older, familiar things with renewed amazement and awe. See how you can use older ideas in newer and more unusual ways. Re-define creativity as just being the process of seeing something important in an ordinary thing and then communicating that important truth to others with clarity and impact.
7. Let go to your intuitive feelings and start logging the results you get to verify their correctness. Learn to separate wild guesses from true intuitive hunches.
8. Engage other intelligent people in meaningful conversation to get to a common ground about something really important, like the purpose of life or how to be more likable and successful.
9. Read as many books as you can get your hands on. Knowledge is power.
10. Adopt a tentative approach to what is true and useful. Find out for sure over time. Realize how little you really know and become an eager student again.

DETERMINATION

Determination involves understanding yourself, exercising self-control, building self-confidence and using focused energy to close all the little gaps that make up the big gap between where you are and where you want to be. Determination starts with the critical thinking that discovers these gaps.

Janice may need to examine why she is so resistive to going back to school and possibly learning something that could help her in her job. Then she may need to talk herself into making a few temporary sacrifices and investing some time and money to take three more college classes to finish her accounting degree. Finally, she will stop getting passed over for promotion and be able to use her talents more fully. Naturally she will feel much better toward herself and her job.

There are three main turning points in developing successful determination. These are:

1. Taking the time to get to know yourself better and asking yourself some tough questions. Sometimes you even have to ask other people.
2. Noticing the connection between the choices you are making and the results they get and then studying your failures close enough to discover how to make different choices to improve.
3. Shifting from external to intrinsic motivation in order to find the right thing to do that is rewarding in itself instead of being full of empty promises.

Janice may not even know that it has been her lack of college degree that has been the reason she hasn’t gotten the promotions she has deserved. She may want to ask her boss why she hasn’t been promoted. Then she will have to realize the long term value of being inconvenienced for a short year or so and follow-through with making the right choices. Nobody will do any of this for her.

Here are some of the more important aspects of determination that make up your Determination Quotient (DQ):

• Having ambition
• Being self-confident
• Exercising self-control
• Developing intrinsic motivation
• Showing resilience to setbacks
• Showing perseverance during adversity
• Knowing strengths and weaknesses
• Setting goals
• Managing time
• Remaining cool under pressure
• Using productive energy
• Seeking feedback
• Making constant improvements
• Focusing intensely, avoiding distractions
• Showing initiate/resourcefulness
• Being conscientious
• Being adaptable to change
• Dealing effectively with stress
• Having an accurate self-perception
• Being competitive against self, not others

Here are ten activities to bolster your Determination Quotient:

1. Take an inventory of your main skills and talents and make a plan to develop and use these special abilities more fully. Don’t waste too much time focusing on your weaknesses.
2. Practice your pure will power on small insignificant things on a daily basis to build up your will muscles for when you may really need them.
3. Realize the power you have in controlling your reactions to other people and the things that happen to you. This is your response-ability. This is something completely under your control.
4. Read the inspirational biographies of highly motivated people who endured great adversity to become successful. Adopt a virtual hero or two.
5. Realize the awesome power you have to make the right choices to get the results you want. You are only limited by the size of your dreams and your ability to make the right choices to make those dreams come true . You are what you want to be. Just be prepared to make a few sacrifices and exchanges along the way.
6. Set short range, intermediate and long range goals for your self. Write them down so you can see them. Reward yourself when you achieve your goals. Adjust them when need be.
7. Make your living and work spaces motivational and inspirational. Have a poster or saying visible that lights your fire. Hang around other well-motivated people.
8. Catch yourself interrupting others in trying to make your points. Practice patience in working in what you want to say at a better time. Learn to appreciate what the other person is trying to say. You can learn much from listening with both ears.
9. Get in touch with your stress and how it can interfere with good relations with others. Learn to set your emotional thermostat on calm and steady.
10. Don’t be afraid of failures. Adopt the attitude that failures are opportunities to find out important clues as to how to be successful the next time around. Sometimes success is merely surviving a series of failures.

LIKABILITY

Successful likability results from using your determination to improve all the social skills that can make an easier job of closing the gap between where you are and where you want to be—skills such as good communication, a positive, up-beat attitude, a sense of humor, empathy and politeness.

John may think that all he has to do to succeed in life is to be smart in school. But he will soon find out life after school is mainly about getting along with people. If he doesn’t learn how to make a few friends by taking interest in other people, being more interesting himself and developing other likable traits, he is likely to end up unhappy and unsuccessful.

There are three turning points in developing successful likability. They are:

1. Un-focusing on everyone else’s unlikability and refocusing on your own shortcomings. The best place to start is going from being a talker to a listener.
2. Looking for more ways to like yourself, feel confident and enjoy others.
3. Fine tuning your ability to by truly empathetic with other people—understanding their perspectives, values and feelings.

John may not have a clue as to how others perceive him. Other students may avoid him because they are intimidated by his brains. If John uses his intelligence correctly he will see that he needs to get interested in extracurricular activities where he will be interacting with others. He can then learn a few simple social skills like smiling, listening, and being courteous, which will improve his likability and number of friends.

Here are the main ingredients of a Likability Quotient (LQ):

• Being assertive; avoiding passivity & aggression
• Being able to mix well with diversity
• Communicating with clarity and impact
• Demonstrating integrity and character
• Showing a positive, optimistic attitude
• Building personal trust, rapport
• Being empathetic with others
• Reading people accurately
• Interacting with others smoothly
• Remaining humble, checking their egos
• Being "politically" aware
• Being aware of others' perceptions
• Negotiating with others effectively
• Inspiring others
• Teaching others
• Role-modeling; showing by doing
• Having an abundance mentality
• Being aware of important trends
• Having a good appearance
• Being socially outgoing/poised
• Being accepting/tolerant of others
• Having a happy, cheerful disposition; smiling
• Controlling negative reactions,emotions
• Accepting accountability
• Being adaptable to Change
• Being friendly, approachable and likable

Here are ten activities to increase your LQ:

1. Set up a way to get accurate and useful feedback as to how you are being perceived by others so you can correct wrong perceptions.
2. Look for little ways to improve your communication skills. Practice listening better, think about what you want to say before you say it, look up definitions of words to use them correctly, experiment with word psychology, control distracting body language and develop an animated, personal style of writing that sounds like the live version of you.
3. Psych yourself up to feel happy inside so it shows on the outside. It all starts with self-acceptance and a positive attitude. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Get in the regular habit of smiling on the inside so your mouth feels like it. Smiles make you more likable and frowns more unlikable.
4. Practice common courtesy and good manners. Be polite and treat other people with reverence. This is the way we all want to be treated. Being polite is a small effort that will get big results in helping you be perceived as more likable.
5. Make a conscious effort to be more tolerant of others and resist the temptation to judge others too harshly. Take the time to understand people’s behavior that you don’t like. There is usually a good reason for it. The more you accept about another person, the more they will accept about you. By then you have a best friend for life.
6. Be humble and avoid doing anything that will get perceived as conceit or arrogance. Other people dislike these things. Spend more time actually doing what you might be inclined to brag about. Let other people notice your achievements.
7. Control your negativity. Nobody likes negative attitudes like complaining and pessimism, and nobody likes negative emotions like anger and worrying. Showing a positive, up-beat attitude will always open up doors with people.
8. Stand up for yourself assertively when somebody does something offensive or hurts your feelings. Tell them how their behavior makes you feel and kindly ask them not to do it again. Avoid being passive or aggressive in your approach.
9. Avoid being dishonest, even in little ways. Dishonesty of any sort threatens communication between people. We need good communication to share our pieces of the puzzle.
10. Become more sensitive to other people’s thoughts feelings and perspectives. Try to see things the way they do. Empathy is a very powerful tool.

Success is an option for everyone. All you have to do is think better, use more determination and increase your likability. You can start by believing in your own power to change things for the better, right now. It may be easier than you think.


William Cottringer is a business consultant, sport psychologist and college teacher from St. Louis. He is author of You Can Have Your Cheese & Eat It Too.