What do you do, when after many years of living a terrible life style, one day…you wake up? You wake up, look around and you...survey...all the damage that your selfishness has caused. What do you do?! 

How do you deal with the weight of the guilt...when you're a mother of four and you come to the realization that all of your children have been adversely affected, in some way or another, by your actions?  

I cannot speak for others, but I can share with you what I did. I stopped lying to myself and accepted the fact that I was wrong and I turned 'completely' to God. It is important for you to note that I used the term 'completely' because that is what it took...for me. Nothing else but my total 'surrender of all' to Him would do. I turned to my Deliverer with my whole heart, my whole soul, my whole body and my whole mind. And I didn't waste the time nor the effort in making excuses or, trying to 'point' a finger of guilt at others. I could have, but my 'repentance' was not about 'others'. My repentance was about 'me'. Yes, me...taking the responsibility for the things I had done. 

 I confessed my shortcomings - all of them...to the King of Kings and Lord of Lords. Sure, He already knew them, but I wanted Him to know that now, I was willing to accept the blame for them. I was aware of how filthy my living had been and I 'begged' Him to forgive me. I pleaded with Him to clean me up and to strengthen me so that I could at least 'try' to live a life that was pleasing to Him. I told Him how much I needed Him, not just for that time, but for all the days of my life...I needed Him. I asked Him to teach me how to love and trust Him. To teach me how to worship Him. To teach me how to praise Him and to teach me...how to pray.  He did.  And He still does and...I am still learning.  

 Indeed, it was there...at the foot of Calvary's Cross that I was washed and set free of the heavy burden of guilt and shame. I once was so blind, but Jesus Christ restored my sight. I no longer belonged to satan...I was a new creature. I promised God that I would 'never' turn back...and only because He walks with me, daily, I have not. 

 What about other lives that I have touched? Turning my attention to those that I’d negatively affected along the way, in 2009, I wrote an open poem, entitled, ‘I’m Sorry’ and posted it on line - on my website. I apologized from my heart and hoped that when it was read each one would feel the sincerity with which I penned it. To date, two thousand, three hundred and twenty-three people have read that post. I can only pray that those whom I have offended were a part of those readers.  

But, what about my children? I apologized to each and every one of my children. I asked each for their forgiveness for not having been the mother that I should have been. According to their personalities; some brushed it off as unnecessary. The others, were glad for it.  There is not a day that goes by that I do not pray for their Salvation.  What God has done for me, I know He will also do for them. Why do I know this? Because the Word of God tells me that God is no respecter of persons. Which means, He loves everyone equally - my children included. The Word also says that He is not willing that any should be lost, but that all should come to repentance. Which means, what He's done for me, He'll do for them also. The Word of God assures me that the prayers of a righteous man availeth much. Which means, if I stay with Christ, who is my righteousness, and pray with faith believing…He will answer my prayers.  

  So, my brothers and sisters, I speak from experience. And the bottom line is this; if you're looking for relief from that heavy load of remorse and blame that you may be toting? I highly recommend...God. Yes, believe me I know…the propensity to make other choices will be there but I guarantee you…if you choose Jesus, you’ll never, ever regret it!

Jam 5:16, 1Jhn 1:9, 2Pet 3:9, Phil 3:13-14, Act 10:34

copyright; jmsbell-3/3/2011