Carried in an unloving womb, she survived several attempts on her life before she even took her first breath of air in this world. Still, at a lusty 9lbs, she came forth into a family whose patriarch refused to even allow her to be brought into his house.  Kept out of sight, in another borough, at five months of age, someone was found that would give care to the unwanted, for a price. No formal adoption, just a hand over. Her maternal grandmother gave periodically what she could, here and there. Then she died and there was no more money. So it was decided that she should be told the truth. She didn't belong to the woman who raised her, but was the product of a young single woman's affair. And that something, which she had always felt the lack of, was substantiated.

Why go so far back in my past? Because, we are all the result of our experiences. Who we are today is the accumulation of all the circumstances and injustices of our past. Our personalities are shaped and molded by the way we see ourselves and eventually how we see others. We are everything we deny. Of ourselves, we are not good, we are awful. We are liars, cheaters, whores, thieves, murderers, fornicators, adulterer, etc. There is no way we can walk through the painful ashes of our past and still love ourselves or others. This is impossible to do on our own. The deeper and darker the depths of our beginning, the harder it is to understand...love.

How in the world did God love me, I wondered, when He allowed me to be an unwanted child? Why didn't He allow the attempts to kill me in the womb work? Wouldn't it have been so much simpler? I was born with baggage that didn't lessen as I grew, but increased. And I dragged the load of my rejection - who I was and who I wasn't and not being loved and valued...with me, all my life! I was a messed up human being. Always looking, striving, searching for love! And I wanted, I needed, more than the average person could give. I was an addict, in and out of affairs...pining, stretching, reaching for love! You've got to understand that everything and everyone took a back seat to my quest, my thirst, for total, unconditional, uncompromising, never-ending...love! There couldn't be a God! Not the kind that I needed, anyway! I needed someone to understand what I feeling; the lack, the ache, the want! And no one did, not even...God! This search went on until I came to the conclusion that the kind of love I needed didn't exist! If God loved me He would not hurt me! This is how I felt and I was at my wits end!

In 1995, the 'straw' that broke this camel's back came about through the need for a cigarette. I was out of work and I wanted a cigarette. I drank Miller's in the mornings and smoked cigarettes. By that time I was smoking generics and couldn't find the change needed to get a pack. On the way back from the corner store, which had just refused me credit, I did something I had never done before; I asked a stranger for a cigarette. They didn't have one. I went home still desperately needing a smoke and I wanted out of here! It serves to note that I had the means to take my life...there was bleach in the house and I had razor blades, but I couldn't do it. Something wouldn't allow me to yet, I didn't want to live another day and I prayed that I wouldn't. I was sincere and I meant it! If I had to wake up another day and still addicted to nicotine, then I didn't want to wake up! I didn't care where I was going- heaven or hell. It didn't matter, I just wanted out of here!

I woke up the next morning...to a miracle! While I slept, my addiction was cured! I didn't want a cigarette!  And I haven't wanted one since. One day an addicted smoker, but the next day, not? There was a God! He had heard me! He hadn’t allowed me to take my life but let me know that He knew what I was going through. I turned. And there in the shadows, I discovered Him to whom I had always belonged! A love beyond measure, all encompassing, filled me up and ran over. A Savior! A Deliverer! A Redeemer! A Mother! A Father! A Sister! A Brother! A Lover, a Keeper, a Comforter, An Eternal Friend....all wrapped up in The One God…Jesus! I would never pine again. He was all I needed! Forever!

So why did He wait so long? Why did He allow me to hurt? He didn't want me to hurt, I hurt myself. I refused to accept the necessity for 'Him' to be in my life.  I thought the 'needs' that I had could be found in another human being or other things. The unfulfilled yearning that I had felt in that hour was so much more than for a cigarette. I had a panting, to fill a  hole in me that only God could fill! And true to His Word my God was patient, He waited for me. He waited for me to give up and look to Him. He waited until I needed Him more than I needed anything, or anyone else...even life! He didn’t force His Love on me. I chose to accept it.

I can now see that the path He prepared for me to take was one purposely devoid of family influences so that it could be filled with my thirst for Him. Had my circumstances been different it would have lessened my 'desire' for Him. Trying to identify and please family I would never have recognized Him for all that He is to me today. I certainly would have never been able to relate to others, who, like I once did...search. I wouldn’t be able to let them know, Jesus…is the answer to their quest!

Please let me say this; we all turn to God in different ways and for different reasons. Our paths, which lead us to accept Christ as our Personal Savior, vary greatly. What Jesus requires of one person, He does not require of another. Our God does not twist our arm forcing us to come to Him. Either we accept our need for Him, or we have the free choice to reject it. In His Army there are no drafted soldiers, only volunteers.

Today, with every pen stroke, I thank God for my beginnings! A loving family was not what I needed to persevere, Jesus was what I needed! Certainly, a loving family is important and of course should be cherished for the blessing that it is. And I am elated that, in spite of everything, I have children, grandchildren and great grands. But, for me, I 'inch/draw' closer to my Redeemer because I don't have the close ties that would influence a more pliable relationship with Him. I need Him constantly and I need Him totally! And He is there...constantly and totally! He rescued me out of the depths of darkness, and I am eternally grateful…I give Him my life. Albeit, to me...He is the Most Beautiful Thing that exists...beyond any comparison! 

Let me explain.  You see, I am a Christian, thus, Jesus is more than just 'a remarkable man' to me, as some might believe. By faith, I see Him for who He truly is! He is God! The Creator of heaven, earth, the sea and all that in them is! Yes, He is God Himself, manifested in the flesh, that is...Jesus! And He is my all and all! I own nothing! No goods, no talent, not even myself! The sum total of 'all' my wealth is in Him... His Cross! I am 'sate' to the brim because His Love, His every present Spirit, does fill and nurture me and...God is Beautiful!

So, though this world is falling apart, decaying and in a terrible state with atrocities occurring at home and internationally that are heart wrenching, this is not news because the Word of God has warned us of these end-times things. We are told that people will ignore warning signs yet, it will not get better, it will worsen! This overriding reality that we are heading for the end would make this earth such an ugly place to me…if…not for the Beauty of Jesus!

Despite the world's disintegration on every level, I see God!  I see His Love, Magnificent! I see His Mercy and Grace Overflowing! He Reigns! No matter how it may seem 'I know' God Is...totally Supreme and the Universe is in His Hands.  I am grateful for 'eyes' which can behold His Omniscient Presence, a Brilliance...reflected through and upon all things.

Jesus? He’s the Most Beautiful Thing…that ‘ever’ lives!

copyright; jmsbell-10/28/2015