Remember the old T.V. commercial, many years ago, where this NERDY type guy said something to the effect of: "Can I have a few moments to talk to you about a serious problem - DIARRHEA!" Well, I've been accused of having it in the mouth, of all places, and now it seems to have leaped into my mind, then crept into my lil pen (aka P.C.). Before you begin, you may find it advisable to clip a clothespin to your nose - OK?

EUREKA! (Not Kansas)

© August 17, 1997 by: Thomas K. Hyland, Jr.

You-reek-a (pronounced as above) is Italian for you-stink-a! Well, between the title and the first sentence, I have already gotten two groups of people mad at me . . . one geographic, and one ethnic! Next, I happen to be a stinking smoker, whence came the idea of the title, because my wife was always telling me, "you reek of smoke . . . did you wash?" Well now, that little sentence will probably destroy my marriage of thirty-one years! {FOOTNOTE: Oops! that happened three years hence!} Let's see, who else can I upset?

In this seemingly never-ending dichotomous encampment of opposing forces, battling daily to garner more sympaticos to their side of the trenches, namely: non-smokers (gee, don't we smell fresh and clean and healthy?) versus smokers (we have the God-given right to stink!) . . . oops, two more groups alienated . . . the casualties keep piling up in a dis-proportionate manner. Say what? Whether you are a smoker, or non, let's face the facts. An old beautiful song by The Platters, comes to mind, "Smoke Gets In Your Eyes" . . . and in your hair, and on your clothes, and the curtains, and the furniture, and the car, and up everyone's nostrils! There, I said it, I told the truth (mea culpa, mea culpa, mea maxima culpa) . . . now all of my buddies, my compatriots, my fellow smokers will want to hang me, and boycott my "pearls of wisdom." Why can't I learn to keep my big mouth shut?

Perhaps it's that hardheaded persistent Irish streak that's in me (oh, no, now all of my articles, stories, poems and books will be banned on the Emerald Isle) . . . or maybe, it's just plain stupidity! Who knows? Who cares? But, back to the point, Eureka, i.e. stench - what a powerful, but disgusting word! According to Mister Noah Webster's highly referenced work, the dictionary (not Funk and Wagnall's) . . . alas, another two groups will be after my scalp now . . . it is a malodorous odor . . . (per me: not unlike a skunk's spray).

Let's face it, one of God's many wonderful gifts to us, the sense of smell, can be quite repugnant at times (now I've really done it!) . . . but hopefully, The Almighty Creator will be more forgiving than Mister Shakespeare's character Puck, who said, "What fools these mortals be..."
That's it, I just blew the whole "schmear" and wiped out the possibility of all of mankind ever buying and reading my material! C'est la vie . . . Que sera, sera!

Anyway, this ability to use one's proboscis to detect and pinpoint a myriad of odors wafting through the air, both pleasant and not-so, brings us to the real crux of the matter . . . armpits!

Wow, can they really stink! I know, because like everyone else, I have a matching pair. When I was a child, I smelled like a child; but, when I became a man, I smelled like a polecat! (Oops, there goes all the Bible pounding people). Good old nature endowed me with a preponderance of sweat glands, which tend to oft-times act like water taps (uh, oh, it's not nice to fool Mother Nature). For whatever reason, I happen to have an allergic reaction to some manmade chemical that is obviously present in almost every anti-perspirant on the market. Believe me, I have tried many, many products (even the ones designed specifically for women). Sure, sure, you might say, or even keep it a secret, keep it to yourself. Who wants to read about your stinking, hairy armpits?

Nevertheless, after using a product for a short period of time, happily believing that I've finally discovered one which really works without causing a reaction, then, Bingo! - I awaken one morning with the same result . . . a big lump that hurts (under my armpit, Silly). Somehow these little chemical whatchamacallits are unwelcome in my body, and some kind of little defense critters all gather together (not unlike a wagon train circle) and Voila! . . . another battle-line has been drawn, and not without its casualties. There is a big, hard lump, reddish pink, with a white cap on its peak. Then you hear a little bugle blow, some guy hollers, "let's take that hill, men, . . . charge!" You want to talk about stench . . . Eureka! Did you ever scream in pain when you "popped" one of these suckers? I don't know if it would be medically correct to call this a prurient infection or not; but, that hard, oozy, creamy white stuff which reluctantly creeps out is like "toe cheese" (oops, that's another really horrendous disgusting topic that I have written about elsewhere, check your local bookstores . . . perhaps you will create a huge demand, and I will become a rich and famous author, like Erma Bombeck). Sorry, Erma, I would never hope to achieve any measure of your success in this tough business of writing; but, I do relish your particular courage, style, and ultimate wit, in dealing with controversial issues.

Well folks (hello . . . is anyone out there?) I've basically said what I wanted to say about a topic which I believe needed to be addressed in a forthright and straight-forward manner. While these words may never see the light of day, my wife and children may never speak to me again, my would-be publishers may try to have me committed, I may have to assume a nom de plume of Eureka, and the population of the earth-at-large may wish to excommunicate and ostracize me . . I did what I thought I oughta . . . tell the truth! "The truth shall set you free!" . . . You may wind up out in space somewhere, like maybe Mars for instance; but, you shall be free!

In closing, I shall share something that might be helpful to other aspiring writers, which I learned many, many years ago, from a Speech Class Professor. Whether you are putting ink to paper, or addressing an audience verbally, the principle is the same. There are three distinct parts which need to be cleverly inter-connected, namely: the Introduction, the Body, and the Conclusion. Therefore you must: (1) tell them what you are going to tell them, (2) tell them, and finally,
(3) tell them what you told them - this will assure the probability that someone might actually understand and retain what you said, through the use of repetition . . . that is, unless, of course, it was a stupid and disgusting topic to begin with (oops, all the grammarians of the world will jump on that one) that nobody wanted to hear about in the first place. As someone much wiser than I used to say, "Have a nice day, please . . . and thank you!"

© August 24, 1997: Thomas K. Hyland, Jr.
P.S.: To all the Grammarians out there: after running "Document info" I was delighted to find that there is a "run-on sentence" of sixty-eight words . . . can you find it?