This is just a weirdo's crazy comparison between an Old-Fashioned traditional means of private communication versus a New-Fangled Ultra-High-Tech one.

What if no one answers? Do you bother to leave a message? Questions - Questions - QUESTIONS ???

 Heavenly Help!

Copyright: March 20, 2006 - Tom Hyland

Well, Pilgrims, as you can easily see, the title is presented in a beautiful BLUE color, just to associate it with the Sky, or the "Heavens," right? That Wonderful Place where we all hope to go when we finally DIE -- hopefully some time way, way, way out in the unknown Future, right? Well, be that as it may, right now, in the Present, we oft-times have to deal with various problems, or stresses, or Negative situations, right? And more often than not, these "Trials and Tribulations" that each of us must suffer through, place us at our "Wits End." Oh, to be sure, when things are "heavy on our minds" and cause us mental anguish and suffering, we tend to seek HELP, right?

Sometimes we try to keep it to ourselves, and ponder, and wonder, and try to take stock of the situation, and be strong, and work it out on our own. Hey, after all, you're a BIG GIRL, right? And I'm a BIG GUY! Hell, can't be such a "Cry Baby" all the time, can we? So, maybe we attempt some Logic, and put "pen to paper" listing the pros and cons of our little dilemma, maybe even employ the "Ben Franklin Method" - a simple piece of paper, with a vertical line drawn down the center, and a big PLUS on one side, and a MINUS sign on the other column heading, right? Decisions, decisions, decisions - "OH, WHAT TO DO?" Every once in a while, this technique actually works, the PLUSES outweigh the MINUSES, and we guess correctly, and VOILA! It all works out! But, what if it DOESN'T? Maybe our choice made matters worse. OOPS!

Well now, perhaps we decide to seek a "Second Opinion" on the perplexing problem at hand, and resort to confiding in a confidant. That person could be: a Best Friend, or a Parent, a Sibling, a "Man or Woman of the Cloth" or -- even a very dependable BARTENDER, right? Well, if money is no object, and we really don't want anybody else to know our "Business" - we might even seek the assistance of a professional SHRINK, Okay? But, if cost is a real concern, as it would be with most of us mere mortals, there is another Bigger, Better, Freer, Wiser, Omniscient Source on which to rely -- some call it PRAYER! "Let's PRAY ON IT, Pilgrim!"

WOW! I feel better already! But, just WHO do we pray to? And HOW? Some may refer to this Source as: GOD, or a Higher Power, or Allah, or Our Father, or the Universe, or Buddha, or perhaps a myriad of other significant names in other cultures, or ethnic groups - WHATEVER! The point is that we have an unsolvable problem that needs an answer or resolution, and we can't figure it out all alone, right? Maybe we WANT something that up until now has been absolutely out of our reach? Or perhaps we truly NEED something that is purely practical and totally unselfish, but unobtainable? So, here we are, finally so desperate, so humble, so suppliant, that we're resigned to resort to the old acronym "ASK" -- "Ask, and ye shall receive. Seek, and ye shall find. Knock, and it will be opened to you!" Now, this is all well and good, BUT -- and this is a BIG BUT -- WHAT IF GOD (or whatever designation you so choose) has previously decided to keep up with man's high-tech societal inventions? You know, that: wonderful, fabulous, efficient, cost-saving, stupendous, Creative "Wonder of Wonders"system -- now, let's be honest here - feeble Man could not have invented this all on his own - some ONE had to plant the seed, or idea in his miniature pea-sized brain, right? Yes, Virginia, you guessed it! Instead of that lifelong, direct communication "Link", that 0ne-on-ONE "Private Line" that we call Prayer, what if GOD installed VOICE-MAIL?????

I can see it all so clearly now, and so organized, the absolute epitome of EFFICIENCY! It would kind of go like this:

ANNOUNCEMENT:

"Hi, DUM-DUM, you have ALMOST reached GOD. I'm either on the OTHER line, or TOO BUSY working on FIXING other STUPID, FRIGGIN' man-made problems throughout the Universe. Or maybe I am out to lunch, on vacation, or simply taking a break. In any event, listen closely to the following list of choices, then PRESS the appropriate button or buttons on your Equally Delightful High-Tech, E-mailing, Picture-Taking, I-Podding, Music-Playing, Down-loading, Up-Loading, FREE-Loading, cute little Touch-Tone CELL Phone - KAY? If you like, leave a message, and I'll get back to you -- EVENTUALLY, SOMEDAY, MAYBE? Please remember that I work in MY OWN GOOD TIME -- Capice? Comprende? WHATEVER!"

PRESS 1 IF: Su Comprende Espanol.

PRESS 2 IF: This is a Second, Third or even Higher Numbered REQUEST.

PRESS 3 IF: You really want an HONEST answer, that you may NOT like.

PRESS 4 IF: You are on your DEATH-BED, and DON'T WANT to Go To HELL! If this is the case, and you are truly Repentive, and have a long Litany of SINS to
Confess, Please HOLD ON, and one of My representatives will be with you shortly. Should you lose the connection, say TEN "Mea Culpas" and call Me in the morning!

PRESS 5 IF: You are an Agent, Priest, Preacher, Imam, Whatever, calling for someone else!

PRESS 6 IF: You received something you didn't WANT, or ASK for, for Return Instructions.

PRESS 7 IF: You are an AGNOSTIC.

PRESS 8 IF: You are an ATHEIST.

PRESS 9 IF: You are a LAWYER, Attorney, Counselor, Congress-Person, or other equally AVARICE RIDDEN CEO, CFO, Whatever -- LONG DISTANCE CHARGES
WILL BE REVERSED! Wait'll you see THIS BILL!!!

PRESS 0 IF: You REALLY WANT to talk to a BEING, and NOT a MACHINE!

NOTE: While putting this as a FIRST CHOICE might have been Convenient, or Even Intelligent, look at all the FUN we would have missed! AND -- people in OTHER Countries NEED to make a living also!

FINALLY: For any OTHER Request not listed previously:

PRESS 1,000,000,000,000,000,000 and
HOLD ON:

Mephistopheles will be with you SHORTLY!

E-Mail: AlphaOmega.GOD

URL: www.heavenlyhelp.GOD

CELL: 10-commandments