ALOHA! HOW YOU DOIN' ?

Recently, I haven't been receiving very many reviews, so maybe everyone finally realized that I'm NUTS, and I SUCK ? C 'est La Vie !

If you do get a chuckle or two after perusing this most recent diatribe, I would most graciously appreciate knowing about it -- OKAY ?

Thus, we begin our Tale ---

Why Do We Write ?

Copyright: 6/22/07 – Tom Hyland


Since the Dawn of Creation almost, it seems that man has tried to somehow record his story. Let’s repeat that sound again – His Story – HISTORY! Wow, could the coining of that word have been that simple? Did someone merely remove one letter – s – and merge two separate words ? Ponder – ponder – wonder – wonder ?

As I started out this morning, at ten-thirty, with this concept, or idea of a piece to write, my original intention was a deep feeling of seriousness. I would write something really profound. Something that millions would read, nod their heads and say: “ WOW – THAT GUY WAS REALLY SHARP !”

Yeah, yeah, I know – Vanity thy name is MAN! Then, as the creative juices starting flowing more rapidly, little bubbles of both wit and profanity kept trickling up to the surface. Profound – Serious Treatise, worthy of a Man of Letters, something that would withstand the Ravages of Time – something for Posterity? Was that the ticket? Hell, if I were long dead and forgotten, would anyone really have an expensive, leather-bound volume, with golden gilded edges, of MY WORKS – standing so proudly on a prominent shelf of their Library of Great Classics? OVID – HOMER – SHAKESPEARE – TWAIN - HEMINGWAY – EMERSON – BRONTE – AUSTIN – PAINE – FRANKLIN – JEFFERSON --- HYLAND --- I DON’T THINK SO! Hell, I’d be “pushing up daisies” and wouldn’t even know about it, would I? It would be a worthy cause for which to write, right ?

But, how about the other side of the proverbial coin? How about simple, unadulterated GREED? How about actually earning some frigging money while I’m still ALIVE, and being able to SPEND it? That, my Dear Friends, Romans, and Countrymen… THAT would be a tad MORE GOODER! Ah, to be RECOGNIZED in your own time, as a prolific provider of pure reading enjoyment and PLEASURE… that sounds more like the PIECE D’ RESISTANCE, does it not? GIMME – GIMME – GIMME THE GREEN ! Now, that is worthy !

Oh, but I’m getting ahead of myself – what about those TINY BUBBLES? We must jump back in time now, a few Thousand years, or a few HUNDRED thousands, or is it really MILLIONS of years? You know, that Crack of Dawn, that anyone worth their oats frequently refers to… THE GARDEN OF EDEN… the very First Man, ADAM… and his very First Mate, EVE… the question then poses itself --- DID EITHER, OR BOTH OF THEM BOTHER TO KEEP A DIARY? Did any of their story – THEIRSTORY – get somehow recorded on the bottom of a BIG FRIGGING ROCK maybe? If so, what became of it when they were BANISHED? What ever happened to Eden? Was it inundated by the GREAT FLOOD? Just WHO WROTE GENESIS? What was HIS STORY? WHO RECORDED IT? Was it Factual, or a Fable? Was Eden, in fact, located in what is now known as IRAQ? If so, have we BLOWN IT UP in the past FOUR YEARS ? Questions – Questions – Questions !

Was GOD in fact, the FIRST AUTHOR? Did HE start THE BIBLE? Did HE then later delegate parts to GHOST WRITERS? Did HE DICTATE each subsequent Chapter and Verse? If so, who were the STENOGRAPHERS? Did anyone else PROOFREAD? Was HE the final EDITOR? Or was HE too damned busy running Everything Everywhere, All the time, that some GREEDY AGENT was hired, on COMMISSION, to manage the Original MANUSCRIPT? If so, did she/he employ a great deal of POETIC LICENSE? If so, WHO GOT ALL THE ROYALTIES? Yeah, I know – more questions!

Cave Paintings by cave dwellers, painstakingly painted on dark walls, illuminated by smoking torches, dripping with the tallow of melting animal fats – quite a task, EH WOT ? What mode of transcription was employed? Was it the red and blue juices of various and sundry berries? We all know how these frigging stains are so hard to remove from current textiles and fabrics, right? Or – were some actually written in BLOOD ? Perhaps, HUMAN BLOOD at first – rather sick footnote here – the MENSES would have provided a consistent monthly supply for prolific authors, would they not ? Then, with the passage of time and growth in intelligence, perhaps the drained and saved blood from slaughtered animals? What with the multiple functionality of Living, Cooking, Writing, and Relieving themselves, all in the same cave, along with the other benefits of cohabitation, I would guess that the STENCH was a pure delight! Awful OFFAL? Ponder – ponder!

Stone Tablets – THE TEN COMMANDMENTS – just think about this one for a minute. How could such a wonderful MORAL CODE given to MOSES, for such a profound reason, which was PAID FORWARD for so many Thousands of years, adopted and inscribed upon so many Federal buildings as both works of Art, as well as REMINDERS of the best Dad-gummed GOLDEN RULES, now be bastardized and relegated to CIVIL SUITS in the so-called HALLOWED HALLS OF JUSTICE TODAY? IF GOD WAS DEAD – HE WOULD BE TURNING OVER IN HIS GRAVE – wouldn’t HE?

Inscriptions – Rocks, Stones – CUNEIFORM – HIEROGLYPHICS – THE ROSETTA STONE – THE CODE OF HAMMURABBI – ANCIENT CIVILIZATIONS – THE EGYPTIANS - THE INCAS – THE MAYAS – THE AZTECS – yes, my friends, all of these and more, did their very best to try and preserve their accumulated garnered knowledge, and pass it on to future generations. WHY DID THEY WRITE? HAVE WE REALLY LEARNED ANYTHING FROM ANYONE’S PAST HISTORY? Apparently not! Man’s Inhumanity to Man is still quite prevalent today.

What about advancements in writing technology? Blood, Berries, Inks, the humble QUILL PEN from the Feather of a Bird, the wondrous invention of the NUMBER 2 Carbon pencil, the Fountain pen, the Ball-Point pen, the FISHER pen that could write Under Water and in SPACE, the Printing Press and GUTTENBERG, Lithography, the Ye Olde Underwood Typewriter, the IBM Selectric, the Computer Keyboard, the Personal Computer, the LAPTOP, the iPOD, the various and sundry BERRIES… all of these and more, someone somewhere somehow INVENTED for the functionality and ease of those who would CHOOSE TO WRITE! If you would care to pause here for a moment of brief SILENCE so that you may offer up a Prayer of Thanksgiving, go for it! Or, if like me, you wanna take a quick PEE-BREAK, then grab a cup of JAVA – MAKE IT SO ! As Jean Luc Picard was wont to say.

I’M BAAAAAACK ! It is now twelve-fifty EDT, in downtown BAWLMER, MERLYN --- how YOU doin’ ? OH WHAT A RELIEF IT IS! While my water (H2O, not Uric Acid) was being nuked in the microwave, for my hot cup of Taster’s Choice instant coffee, I remembered the beautiful pound of Bing Cherries resting in my fridge, so I promptly gave them a quick cold shower, and now I can nibble some nourishment as my nimble little fingers hunt and peck the keyboard of my APPLE LAPTOP, iBook G4, which I’ve now had for slightly over one year – LOVE IT !

OH, yeah, before proceeding with this highly Classical, Profound, Profane Profundity of mine I realized I would be remiss were I not to mention the excellent staining ability also, of the lowly Cherry’s juice! It may well have been utilized in the way way way back past as a form of writing vehicle, perhaps as equally functional as berries? Maybe not as available though? The LACK of Cherries in today’s society is quite prevalent also !

The Game is afoot ! When is a Door not a door ? When it is ajar ! The Nut has returned !

Why Do We Write? Besides the reasons cited above, how about good old-fashioned THERAPY? Now this is a goodie! Some of us have all these myriads of constant thoughts and ideas bombarding us ad infinitum. Sometimes the grey cells seem to be running lickety-split at ninety miles per hour, and we find ourselves in need of performing a process similar to the old MagTape function known as a TAPE DUMP! Back in the good old days of IBM punch-cards in Hollerith Code, and before the mammoth storage capacities of computer RAM and ROM, magnetic tapes that were used over and over repeatedly, became corrupted with over-written data bits – ERGO, they had to be ERASED, or CLEANSED, or PURGED, right ?

So, my contention is that the other old computer jargon term – GIGO – Garbage In, Garbage Out – means that we need to occasionally do a mental Tape Dump, which is not unlike a cerebral PURGATIVE – empty out the garbage in order to provide a less encumbered storage bin, thereby allowing FREE SPACE for new data to reside. So why do I think this is therapeutic ?

Well, think about it, if you happen to be both RICH and GOOFY – you get yourself a SHRINK, and SPEW out your heart and soul, right? This is what I might call an ORAL TAPE DUMP. On the other hand, there are five fingers… LIGHTEN UP PILGRIM! If you happen to be both POOR and GOOFY, like me, then dumping out all those WORRIES and STRESSES, ANGERS and HATREDS, DECISIONS, and INDECISIONS from the BRAIN to the PAPER or computer SCREEN is more often than not, the INEXPENSIVE ANSWER ! SO - WRITE ! WRITE ! WRITE ! RIGHT ?

In the good old days, some of us sexagenarians used to call Ranting and Raving a similar term - Bitching and Moaning. Today, the ultra-modern sophisticated term used is – BLOG! Although I don’t have a clue as to who may have coined the word – BLOG is now the greatest invention since sliced bread, or even canned beer! Now, whether or not this phenomenon has caused undo financial stress on all the psychiatrists, psychoanalysts, and other psycho-SHRINKS – no NEWS AT ELEVEN REPORT has been forthcoming to date, to my knowledge. If so – ipso facto – LIVE WITH IT !

THERAPY – an easement of mental anguish, or angst? If it FEELS good, and it’s FREE, then DO IT! Hell, it’s not unlikely that we all have an occasional URGE to want to PUNCH, MAIM, or KILL some LYING, CHEATING, KNOW-NOTHING, and DO-NOTHING POLITICIAN – right? Is it not far better to express these deep feelings by writing about them, rather than suppressing them, and letting them fester in our feeble minds? Think about it – how many FRUITCAKES don’t exercise this therapeutic RELEASE VALVE, and then later EXPLODE and actually SHOOT somebody? Most, if not all?

Now, there is one word of caution that needs to be addressed regarding this process. If you really DO tell the TRUTH, and really DO capture these ill feelings, and you are DUMB ENOUGH TO POST IT ON THE INTERNET – LIKE ME – then you sometimes create a new stress for yourself, an APPREHENSION that THEY ARE GONNA SOMEHOW GET YOU! Am I going to be added to some subversive, covert HIT LIST? As my highly valued role model Will Shakespeare was wont to say: “ There lies the rub !” But, hey – let your conscience be your guide!

A case in point – just yesterday I received an envelope from non other than the dreaded IRS – as I did not want to experience any grief before going out for a pleasant evening, I did NOT open it! So, just now (at two pm) I did so. Believe it or not, it was a signed letter (form, no less) from a woman whose title is (you are just gonna LOVE this) --- Document PERFECTION Operation Manager. They want me to complete and sign and return an enclosed 8453-OL form. As I filed my return electronically, and was supposed to print out a copy of the form online, and could not do so, because my printer was BUSTED – I PAINSTAKINGLY HANDWROTE THEIR STUPID-ASSED FORM, SIGNED IT, COPIED IT, ATTACHED IT WITH A STAPLE, AND AN EXPLANATION AS TO WHY I HAD DONE SO, AND MAILED IT TO THEM AT THE CORRECT ADDRESS!

OH – I DID NOT OWE THEM ANY MONEY – IN FACT MY REFUND WAS AUTOMATICALLY DEPOSITED, WAY BACK IN FEBRUARY! BUT IF I DO NOT NOW COMPLY WITH THIS STUPID-ASSED HOGWASH FORM, THEY WILL TAKE BACK MY REFUND!

GEE, WHAT A SURPRISE! NO COMMON SENSE – A SUBSTITUTE FORM WAS NOT ALLOWABLE! WHAT A COUNTRY! Can you say? “ SEIG HEIL ” ???

Ok – ok – ok… back to the subject at hand… do some of us write simply because we desire to do something to PLEASE OTHERS? Perhaps to provide some measure of joy, expressing some beautiful thought or observation, via a lovely poem? Or maybe to provide some excitement and adventure via a Spy Novel, or Detective Story, or a STEAMING ROMANCE NOVEL --- to the vast millions of poor unfortunates who are bored, because they never bothered to “ GET A LIFE! ” POBROCITOS ! Face it, Gang --- THIS is the side upon which Thy Bread May Be BUTTERED!

Then, we have some of us WANNA-BE’S --- who wish to Inform, or provide information on various and sundry topics, albeit: Documentaries, Travel Brochures, How-To Books, Exposes on Controversial Issues, Biographies, Autobiographies, Manuals of Instruction, or many other possible subjects. Is it because of the TEACHER buried in our subterranean bowels? Is it the GLORY of bragging that --- I KNOW SOMETHING THAT YOU DON’T? Or is it a purer, more pristine motive, to either HELP humanity, or PRESERVE data that could be forever LOST, if not divulged? Wonder? Wonder? Ponder – Ponder!

Why Do We Write? Could there be a certain percentage of Authors who merely have a PRIMAL URGE to CREATE? There are those, like me, who simply receive an idea, perhaps from a different Muse at different times, and we are COMPELLED to CAPTURE THAT THOUGHT! WE MUST WRITE!

The creative juices just jump jaggedly --- gargantuan juggernauts jamming gregariously --- jars and jars of JAZZ that jab gently --- just jelling like gems germinating juicily --- hot jalapenos, dancing to the tune of “LA CUCHARACHA” --- OOZING ominously like orbital orgies.

See what I mean? The letter J and the similar sound of G – repetition RULES!

Well, my Fellow Philanthropic Followers, it is now Saturday, the Twenty-Third of June. I had returned to this hopefully prolific Article, around half-past noon today, and it is now three o’clock, post median, and I DO HAVE A LIFE --- so, as the Sun slowly ebbs across the sky, seeking its Western daily demise, I must bid you: ADIEU --- CIAO --- ALOHA --- ADIOS --- BON VOYAGE --- HASTA LA VISTA --- VERGISSMENACHT !!!

WHY DO WE WRITE? WHO CARES? JUST DO IT…THEY WILL COME!

J-PAL --- TOM.