Well, the INTRO is already below, so I 'll just FUDGE this part, okay?

Let's call this a SELF-HELP suggestion, maybe even FAMILY QUALITY TIME - could be a result?

As an USHER MIGHT SAY: TICKET PLEASE?

WANNA MAKE A FORTUNE?

Copyright: 9/25/07 - Tom Hyland


Introduction, and/or Synopsis ---

Boy, did I just get the GREATEST IDEA! And to top it off, the TIMING right now is PERFECT! Of course, we all know that in order to MAKE money, you have to SPEND some money FIRST, right? Hey, if ya wanna make an omelet ya gotta break some eggs, doncha? Well, er, um, ah… lessen’ ya got some egg BEATERS, that is!

Yeah, there lies the RUB! How much is this HAIR-BRAINED INVESTMENT gonna cost me?

Now hold on there PARTNER, you’re on PAGE TWO, and I’m just getting started, on PAGE ONE. So, be patient, get yourself a pleasurable drink: cuppa coffee, pot o’tea, sodie pop, HIGH ball, low BALL, FUZZY NAVEL or some other fav shooter, glassa WINE, ice-cold BEER, or perhaps maybe a nice EXPENSIVE bottle of that NEW, IMPROVED, THOROUGHLY NATURAL, PRE-PROCESSED liquid, now ADMITTED to be … TAP WATER.

Next, you might wanna grab a bag, or box, or vacuum-packed package of some kind of fav nosh, or SNACK… somethin’ SALTY to MUNCH ON, like: potato chips, pretzels, peanuts, popcorn, Crackerjacks, nachos, cheese crackers, or stone-ground WHEAT crackers (for fiber), or Chinese RICE crackers (for a little ZIP), or a thousand other possible cellophane-wrapped, pre-packaged, delectable goodies.

Well, just in case you might develop a SWEET TOOTH, later in the program, you might wanna also secure some other edible STUFF, like: any of a million forms of CHOCOLATE, or fruit, either FRESH, or DRIED - strawberries, cherries, bananas, grapes, pears, peaches, plums, or even DRIED PRUNES… these are my FAVS, ‘cause they keep you REGULAR, making NUMBER TWO’s almost PLEASANT!

For those of you who are really efficient, and really health conscious, and want the best of both worlds… SALTY and SWEET, undoubtedly you will have several packages of TRAIL MIX already on hand, right?

Okay, so now we have something to NIBBLE on, and something to CHASE it down with, so what could be next? Perhaps a good MOVIE? Maybe even a good SCARY movie?

AHA! Finally, we approach this FORTUNE-MAKING IDEA! Read on, Mac Duff!


Any of you ole FOGIES out there remember a phenomenon once called DRIVE-IN MOVIES?
Today they are DINOSAURS. In fact, here in the BAWLMER, MERLYN environs, I only know of ONE still in existence… BENGIES, out on Old Eastern Avenue, near Carroll Island Road. Anyway, back in their heyday, they were really good CHEAP entertainment for the whole family.

Well, naturally they had their PITFALLS… i.e. MOSQUITO BITES IN THE SUMMER, and FREEZING YOUR ARSES OFF IN THE WINTER… but otherwise, a really wholesome family experience and excursion. Of course, there were other DRAWBACKS, like when somebody had to PEE! There was no PAUSE function, so you would wrap up the kid in a warm blanket, hustle her/him to the POTTY, and stand outside, mesmerized by that HUGE SCREEN, ‘cause you didn’t want to MISS anything, right?

Well, just to be efficient, before you left the toasty confines of the car (in wintertime, there were the cutest little square boxes that were electric heaters, so you didn’t asphyxiate yourselves running the engine), you always CHECKED FIRST to see if anyone wanted anything ELSE, right? If you had already been there for a whole HOUR or more, invariably someone wanted PIZZA PIE!

Now, if you were brilliant enough to NOT go during INTERMISSION, you managed to avoid that HUGE LONG LINE… but sometimes NATURE called at very inopportune times, so you had to just GRIN and BEAR it, right?

Now, before proceeding to the real gist of the IDEA, I would be remiss if I failed to mention the OTHER WONDER of the drive-in movie phenomenon. This, however, never ever involved FAMILIES… rather, it was the TEENAGERS REALM. They were the absolute BEST PLACES in the WORLD for MAKING OUT… ERGO, they were dubbed by many as the PASSION PITS!

If you invited a NICE girl out on a date, and suggested a REALLY GOOD MOVIE that was playing at a local Drive-In, and she said YES… WOW! You might not score a HOME RUN the FIRST time, or maybe not even Second or Third Base… but FIRST BASE WAS INEVITABLE! Well, MOST of the time anyway. For such clandestine endeavors, my personal experience was that WINTER was the absolute best time for CUDDLING and SMOOCHING. A preponderance of BLANKETS not only kept you both warm, and covered the GOINGS-ON from prying eyes when a neighbor VIEWER happened to walk by, but also promoted the REMOVAL of various and sundry GARMENTS… if you get my drift!

IF YOU HAVE EVER … BEEN THERE… DONE THAT… RAISE YOUR HAND!

GO AHEAD, RIGHT NOW… NOBODY’S LOOKING!

OKAY, OKAY, OKAY! Your palms are ITCHY… the only reason you started reading this diatribe about Drive-in Denizens was to get THE SECRET, right?

HOW DO I MAKE A LOT OF MONEY?

Well now, Pilgrim, we are a STEP closer. Next, we have to consider the TIMING. It is September 25th, almost exactly one MONTH before HALLOWEEN, right? ALL HALLOW’S EVE… the special event for GALS N’ GHOULS alike! The shelves of all the retail stores are overflowing with all kinds of paraphernalia: costumes - Witches, Skeletons, Ghosts, Pirates, Super Heroes, and more… candy, TRICK OR TREAT bags, make-up, props, fake jewelry, pumpkins, brooms, cats, decorations of every size and shape imaginable…

ARE YOU IN THE MOOD YET?

Next we need to consider MARKET ANALYSIS --- just WHO is our TARGET AUDIENCE? For openers, how about the SENIOR CITIZENS? You know, the GERITOL GROUP… THE COTTONTOP CLUB… the ones with sometimes FUZZY-WUZZY grey cells… HELL, they’d enjoy just about anything you would project onto a SCREEN, right? And there’s ONLY in excess of SEVENTY-EIGHT MILLION - 78,000,000 - of these BORED SOULS!

Then, we have the SINGLES MARKET - MILLIONS UPON MILLIONS of gals and guys that will be out HITTING THE BARS, HOOPING and HOLLERING, SINGING and DANCING (especially BOOTY-CALL), - TRUST ME - BEEN THERE, DONE THAT! The very next day, NOVEMBER 1ST, ALL SAINTS DAY… they will be mellowing out, some few million or so, with really BIG HANGOVERS (BEEN THERE, DONE THAT ALSO!) and would truly enjoy nothing more that plopping down in front of their new, improved HIGH-DEF TV SCREENS, in order to totally escape REALITY, by watching some really, really YE OLDE HORROR FILMS, Especially those in BLACK and WHITE!

Next, we have those MILLIONS of TEENAGERS, who just can’t STAND hanging out with Mom and Dad, and their little CREATURE-FEATURE siblings. And… they are in those formative years, where they SEEK EXCITEMENT and ADVENTURE, and purposely prefer and CHOOSE HORROR FILMS TO WATCH… don’t they?

Then, finally, we have the REST of the FAMILY, just mentioned above. MORE MILLIONS!

HOW MANY OF THEM NEVER EVER HEARD OF:

BORIS KARLOFF - who played FRANKENSTEIN, and THE MUMMY, and other MONSTERS and CRAZY GHOULS!

BELA LUGOSI - who played DRACULA - better than any successors ever could, or did! Did you know that he started out in SILENTS - motion pictures without audio, or sound, and played a LOVER? YEP! That’s the truth!

LON CHANEY JR. - who played the original WEREWOLF - WOLFMAN! He also played the roles of many other MONSTERS, and/or WEIRD SCIENTISTS, in several films.

ABBOTT AND COSTELLO - BUD ABBOTT - THE STRAIGHT MAN - AND LOU COSTELLO - THE CLOWN - THEY were one of the firsts to MERGE HORROR WITH COMEDY! A&C MEET WOLFMAN, A&C MEET DRACULA, A&C MEET FRANKENSTEIN… the HILARITY and SLAP-STICK COMEDY presented in these films were way before their time. KIDS LOVED THEM - THEY WERE GLUED IN THEIR SEATS IN THEATRES ALL ACROSS AMERICA! AH - WHAT FOND MEMORIES!

Have you put it all TOGETHER yet?

What possibly could be more REWARDING than getting your hands on EVERY OLD FILM OF THIS GENRE, and HAVING A HALLOWEEN HOOTENANNY?

Grandparents and regular OLE FART parents alike would find this immensely enjoyable! Singles and MARRIED WITHOUT CHILDREN will watch, get all excited, and maybe even GO MAKE BABIES… who knows? TEENAGERS will thank you for it… the sheer fact that you CONSIDERED something SO SPECIAL to CHEER them, will earn you BROWNIE POINTS… HELL, they might even volunteer to DO THE DISHES! MAYBE?

And the LITTLE ONES - GOD BLESS ‘EM ALL - they will get so FRIGGIN’ SCARED they might just PEE TO BED that night… but later, if’n they are BAD, and you threaten them with: WOLFMAN, or DRACULA, or FRANKENSTEIN… at least they will KNOW WHO you’re talking about, won’t they?

OH - WHAT ABOUT THE FORTUNE… YOU MAY ASK?

YOUR BOUNTY WILL BE STORED UP IN HEAVEN FOR YOU… AS A GOOD DEED!


SO, I LIED…. SO, SUE ME!

TomKat… as in MEOW?