FELLATIO, FELLATIO, WHEREFORE ART THOU, FELLATIO?

SORRY - just an attempt at sick humor! Had to change the rating because of it. Oh, what crosses we writers have to bear!

This little BRAIN-FART is all about BRILLIANCE, and COMMON SENSE, and scientific GENIUS...

OR - more aptly... MAN IS ONE DUMB MUVVA!

PAPER OR PLASTIC?

Copyright: 10/07/07 - Tom Hyland


PLASTIC - what is it? As a noun - a manmade mixture of certain specific chemicals, which are impervious to various elements, like: water, heat, cold, and in some cases, even some acids. As an adjective - a property of various materials, which basically means elastic, or malleable, able to be stretched, or re-formed in different shapes.

I can actually remember when one of the beer manufacturers bragged about its new UNBREAKABLE throw-away bottle. It was a short, fat, squat amber bottle that had just a partial amount of plastic blended in with glass. About an inch and a half below the neck, around the rounded shoulder of the bottle, there was a bumpy surface band, maybe an inch or so wide; while the rest of the bottle was smooth glass. These little bumps were what made the bottle different in appearance.

I was just a mere kid at the time, so it had to be in the early or mid-fifties. Well, I was just going to have to TEST this claim! So, I snuck one of my Dad’s empties out of the trash, and took it out front of the house. As we lived on Light Street, in South Baltimore, Maryland, at the edge of the concrete pavement, there was a very nice gutter, formed by a very strong cobblestone curb.

Wrapping my entire hand around the bottle, just like a handshake, with the open small top pointing upward toward the house, I brought the bottle down against the ninety degree angle of the curb’s upper surface. WHACK! NOTHING! WOW! SON-OF-A-GUN!

But, as a persistent little hardheaded Irishman, I couldn’t give up that easy, so I did it again, but with a bit more force this time. WHACK! NOTHING! HOT DANG!

Any old normal bottle would have broken with this attempt. But, it didn’t, so this was obviously a great improvement, right? Perhaps there would be less accidental breakage during shipping? Is it possible that the consumer might save a whole penny or so; or would the manufacturer just make more profit?

Well, wouldn’t you know that Mr. Know-It-All just wasn’t done yet with this test? After all, it does take THREE strikes to be out, does it not? So, higher up in the air went my left arm, as I am a leftie, then swiftly down it came, really determined this time. WHACK! OH - CRAP - CRAP - CRAP! IT BROKE INTO TWO PIECES! The upper edge of the bottle made a neat semi-circle incision right around my thumb, which immediately started bleeding profusely! Needless to say, I quickly dropped the bottom half of the bottle, and went SCREAMING inside to MAMA!

After getting patched up, and soothed down, my story was that it was an ACCIDENT, and I’m sticking to it! Being a quick study, I never ever performed that particular TEST again! But, I was right - UNBREAKABLE? NOT HARDLY! FALSE ADVERTISEMENT! Gee, think I could have SUED them? - So much for that type of plastic.

As time went by, more and more consumer products started appearing, with some form of plastic being used. For instance, in those good old days, many products, like fresh meats, were wrapped in stuff called CELLOPHANE WRAP. After unwrapping the original package, in order to store and save any leftovers, or unused portions, another product was used - WAX PAPER. Aluminum foil had not yet been invented! Next thing you knew, along came this new, improved stuff, called plastic wrap. I think the first brand name was SARAN WRAP.

If any of you young whippersnappers remember the old antique green COKE bottles, they were made of a thick glass that was almost indestructible! You could drop a bottle, whether empty or full, and it would usually BOUNCE! That was some really good glass! Well, by and by, along came another new improved invention, plastic soda bottles. GREAT IDEA! Why? Less breakage and loss during SHIPPING! And they were throw-aways - DISPOSABLE!

So, the old system of RETURNING glass bottles to the manufacturer, or local store, and receiving back your DEPOSIT now slowly became defunct. All well and good for the bottling companies, but that, my dear friends wiped out our kid’s partial LIVELIHOOD. You can’t imagine how many hours we spent, roaming streets, and alleys, and empty lots, collecting those bottles. TWO CENTS EACH could really add up. Sometimes, usually working in pairs, with a partner, we would take turns pulling a little RED WAGON, usually a WESTERN FLYER, from WESTERN AUTO, and fill that sucker up with piles of that MONEY! ALAS! A new era was born.

But, thank God, we were industrious young entrepreneurs, and somehow always came up with PLAN B. That was when we realized that - that same red wagon could be used to HAUL groceries for little old ladies. HAH! A tad more lifting and perhaps some heavy bags to carry into the kitchen, but a bigger paycheck - usually a whole QUARTER! TWO BITS! On a really long haul, or for a really grateful lady, sometimes even FOUR BITS! YES!

It was during those days of hauling groceries from the A&P - Great Atlantic and Pacific Tea Company, that more and more products on the shelves began using more and more shapes and sizes of PLASTIC containerization. Maybe such exposure to such an occupation made us more aware of such impending changes? But, back in those days, the groceries were packed mostly in cardboard BOXES, and plain brown paper bags. The question from the cashier - PAPER OR PLASTIC? Was not yet one to be pondered.

At age fourteen, when I first started delivering newspapers, on my BONDED route, about one hundred and fifty newspapers had to be walked up a set of steps, and/or placed in between storm doors, to protect them from the elements. Plastic sleeves, or bags weren’t invented until maybe 1956 or 1957, so - SEVEN days a week, FIFTY-TWO weeks a year, rain or shine, sleet, hail, or snow - my papers were delivered promptly and securely. NO - IFS, ANDS, OR BUTS! If one customer called and complained to my Route Manager, he was at my DOORSTEP, telling me to either go deliver a DRY paper, or to REFUND their money on my collection day, Saturday. THAT was a NO-NO, which would eat into my profits!

By age eighteen, I bought my first car, a used 1953 Mercury Monterey Two-door Hardtop. A year later, when it needed an engine overhaul, is when I learned that the TIMING GEAR WAS MADE OF NYLON! WOW! Another form of hardened plastic that apparently outlasted STEEL! At that time in my life, that was a real revelation! Do they STILL use NYLON? Have no clue!

Well, more and more PLASTICS were being incorporated into practically every consumer product now: automobiles, bicycles, boats (ever hear of FIBERGLAS?), televisions, radios, stereos, kitchen tables and chairs (FORMICA), countertops, seat-covers, floor tiles and flooring covers (LINEOLEUM), window shades, lawn furniture, replacement windows and doors (VINYL), siding for homes (VINYL), suitcases, handbags, sportswear and supplies, foam insulation, and more - More - MORE! If plastic can in any way be substituted, it either WAS, HAS BEEN, or WILL BE!

As the old newsreels used to state: TIME MARCHES ON! Little by little, then faster and faster, then BING - BAM - THANK YOU, MA’AM - PLASTICS ABOUNDED EVERYWHERE!

Heck, just look at medical supplies alone. Needle injection cartridges - maybe only a million-gazillion, for DIABETES alone? The DRUGGIES really jumped on this bandwagon! Plastic IV bottles, bags, and tubing, bedcovers and disposable diapers - originally for little tots, now probably almost as many are sold and used by SENIOR citizens.

Packaging of medical supplies, of every shape, size, and description imaginable, especially PILL bottles: clear plastic, amber plastic, dark brown plastic, blue plastic, red plastic, yellow plastic, orange plastic - COLOR CODING GALORE!

Cookware and Dinnerware - remember MELMAC? YAY! No more dangerous broken dishes, to excuse the kids from DOING DISHES! How about TUPPERWARE? WOW! - Another fortune making product for saving and storing LEFTOVERS.

Then there was TEFLON; some kind of chemically formulated plastic coating for cookware that prevented STICKING! Well of course you weren’t supposed to use any metal cleaning implements, as you might scratch off the SAFE surface, right? Oh, yeah, years later we find out that engorging those little scraped off particles is a HEALTH NO-NO, right?

Next, we have the aforementioned plastic TOTE bags from thousands of grocery and retail stores, that probably only number in the MEGA-QUANTA-MILLIONS! Well now, Pilgrim, not to be outdone by smaller bags for taking things home, someone decided there must be a market for stuff that we no longer wish to keep, like TRASH BAGS! Black ones, green ones, white ones, even RED ones for BIO-HAZARD disposals - WE THE PEOPLE! AIN’T WE HIGH-TECH?

ECOLOGY - Well, somewhere along the line somebody finally woke up, and discovered that we were inundating our TRASH DUMPS, or to be more politically correct, LAND FILLS, with virtually indestructible non-disintegrating MOUNTAINS of PLASTICS! Which were not BIO-DEGRADABLE! What a LEGACY for our grandchildren, eh wot?

So, for a while, at least, various government agencies and services, along with private PROFIT-SEEKING companies began huge campaigns for a new process, aptly named RE-CYCLING! Yeah, that’s the ticket! WE IS SMART! We created a MONSTER, now all we have to do is CONTROL him, right?

For a while the consumer had to be re-taught how to SEPARATE, sort, and bundle his/her own TRASH! Papers were bundled and tied up with strings, and picked up by the TRASH MAN on certain days of the week. On other specific collection days, it was GLASS and PLASTIC, which had to be separated also. In fact, many thousands of expensive compartmentalized collection trucks were manufactured and sold to local governments - GEE, WHERE ARE THEY NOW?

Also, it became necessary at some point, to separate METAL CANS and containers. RE-CYCLING centers and businesses sprang up everywhere across the nation. I can fondly remember that QUALITY FAMILY TIME, working along with our kids, CRUSHING ALUMINUM CANS!

Standing them up and them stomping them down FLAT, so more could fit in the box or bag we were filling. Hours were spent each week, sorting, stomping, bagging, and then loading up the old family STATION WAGON (remember that name? now they are all higher priced, gas-guzzling, four-wheel, or all-wheel drive SUV’s) - and making that wonderful trip to the Re-cycling center. Some places would not even accept them unless they were COMPACTED! And if we were really, really lucky - for hours and hours of work, and about TWO TONS of CANS, the kids would get what amounted to about a PLUGGED NICKLE!

WHAT A FABULOUS INCENTIVE - but hey - it was for a good, worthy cause - we were SAVING OUR PLANET, right?

With the passage of more time, and the involvement of more concerned citizens, and environmentalists, we were then told that: the cute little plastic CIRCLE THING-A-MA-GIGGIES which bound cans and bottles together in either SIX, or EIGHT PACKS, were now KILLING INNOCENT ANIMALS!

FISH were getting them caught in their gills and dying. DUCKS were choking on them, and probably many other species that I just can’t recall at this moment. HECK, just yesterday the news stated that no less than THREE DEAD BEACHED BLUE WHALES washed up on the shores of California - SCIENTISTS ARE SCRATCHING THEIR HEADS? What possibly could have killed them?

Gee, it couldn’t possibly be the TONS AND TONS OF GARBAGE, hauled out and dumped into the ocean by GARBAGE SCOWS, could it? DUH! Beings I have purposely been very careful so far, not to CUSS, so this article could be rated G, for General Audience, let me cheat for just a second, and repeat myself, and be a SMART-ASS ---- DUH!

So, let me attempt a slight RECAP - recapitulation, here: for about FIFTY, 5-0 YEARS now, various and sundry chemical manufacturing companies, like E.I. DuPONT DE NEMOURS, have been making FORTUNES, assuring that life would be made EASIER for the consumer, right? Now consider the fact that they have been POISONING and POLLUTING our ATMOSPHERE for all these DECADES, and GUVMINT just SLAPS THEM ON THE KNUCKLES WITH A SOFT NERF-ROD, and those PROFITS were simply not SUFFICIENT, right? So now, they have surreptitiously HELPED us to DESTROY both LAND and WATER also - does that sound about right?

AIR - LAND - WATER - PRAY TELL WHAT ELSE COULD POSSIBLY BE NEXT? Oh! How about that other ELEMENT - FIRE? Well, not to worry, Pilgrim, many cities have built huge INCINERATORS, which can now BURN some of man’s GARBAGE, stinking up the HEAVENS, and helping to PROMOTE THE POLLUTION PROGRAM! Like the #$%^* BEER COMMERCIAL SAYS REPEATEDLY --- BRILLIANT!

Are there any other HAIR-BRAINED possibilities that MANKIND can INVENT, in order to SPEED UP the DECLINE of the UNIVERSE? OOH - OOH - OOH - I GOT ONE! What about all those millions of TONS OF RADIO-ACTIVE WASTE PRODUCTS FROM ALL THE NUCLEAR ENERGY PLANTS?

You know, like those that you don’t care WHERE IN THE HELL THEY BURY IT - UNLESS IT IS IN YOUR BACK YARD, THAT IS! You know, like LOVE CANAL, in upper New York State!

Parenthetically, back in the late 80’s, we were going on vacation to Niagara Falls, and the wife obtained brochures from the local travel bureau. We booked a room for the very first night, after the long drive up there. It was in some motel, on a main drag that seemed somewhat DESOLATE when we arrived late in the evening. The bugs and COCKROACHES were HUMONGOUS - TV reception SUCKED - there was NO coffee available, but we were just too tired to fuss. The next morning, there was NO WATER - NONE - NO HOT - NO COLD EVEN!

Men were outside, digging up the parking lot, and broke a MAIN! Anyway, it wasn’t until a week later, after returning home, that we found out that we had spent a LOVELY NIGHT AT LOVE CANAL! Gee, did we somehow MISS the CONSUMER PROTECTION DISCLOSURE SIGNS?

I OFTEN CHECK NOW TO SEE IF I GLOW IN THE DARK!

OOPS! Before I give you that answer about nuclear waste, another morsel of news was televised just the other day, here in downtown BAWLMER, MERLYN - in the recent past, because of some complaints of illnesses from nearby residents, it was JUST RECENTLY DISCOVERED that there was a GROSS OVERABUNDANCE OF ARSENIC ALL AROUND SWANNS PARK!

Yeah, you see there was a little company, right there on McComas Street, that MANUFACTURED ARSENIC FOR ABOUT 30-40-50 YEARS! Even though the long defunct business had closed many years ago, the building still stands there, PROUD AS A PEACOCK! Gee, wonder what happened to the OWNER and the PROFITS? Anyway, testing has disclosed that HIGHLY TOXIC ARSENIC IS ALL IN THE GROUND, ALL AROUND THE AREA, especially in the residents' YARDS WHERE THEIR CHILDREN HAVE PLAYED FOR ABOUT FIFTY YEARS!

And as just stated a couple of days ago, there is a PREPONDERENCE of it all around the old BACKSTOP of the old baseball diamond! You know, where I PLAYED BALL AS A KID! The structure which held the BLEACHERS, and the LOCKER ROOM and SHOWERS has been long gone for years now - YEAH, WHERE I TOOK MANY A SHOWER!

Well, according to the news report the ROCKET SCIENTISTS are just going to ADD DIRT on top of the ground, to COVER the soil! NOT DIG IT UP AND HAUL IT AWAY! It would not be erroneous to say that it is a city government COVER-UP would it?

Well maybe there will be some civil SUITS, and maybe we’ll wait and see if any TWO-HEADED BABIES ARE BORN, or something like that, and the obviously POOR RESIDENTS (only one block of ROWHOMES, DIRECTLY ACROSS THE STREET FROM THE PLANT) may wind up getting BOUGHT OUT at some ridiculously LOW PRICES, and get transplanted somewhere?

Then, years of peace and quiet will calm the little area, and then some WISE DEVELOPER will BUY UP the little houses, knock them down (obviously disturbing the soil) build and SELL NEW CONDOS or whatever, for ZILLIONS of dollars, make a fortune, then GO OUT OF BUSINESS, and the CYCLE CAN CONTINUE - only with NEW, IMPROVED, TWO-HEADED BABIES!

AH, AMERICA - THE STARS ARE ONLY OUTSHINED BY THY BRILLIANCE!

GEE, MOMMIE, LOOK - WE DON’T NEED ANY FRIGGING NIGHT-LIGHT - ‘CAUSE I GLOW IN THE DARK NOW!

Okay, back to the answer for NUCLEAR WASTE - I just happened to mention Rocket Scientists above, didn’t I?

BY JOVE - THAT IS THE SIMPLE, UNCOMPLICATED ANSWER - WE LOAD ALL THAT RADIO-ACTIVE NUCLEAR CRAP ONTO ROCKETS AND SHOOT IT OUT INTO SPACE!

What could possibly make any more sense? JUST GET IT OFF THE EARTH! Who cares if maybe there ARE other LIFEFORMS out there? Hell, they’ve been RUDE, and never answered any of our messages, have they?

Who cares if a passing COMET or ASTEROID should ever COLLIDE with one of those rockets, and SPLASH THAT CRAP ALL OVER OUR OZONE LAYER? Heck, it will probably be GONE way before this ever happens anyway!

OR - maybe we could blow a few SKA-ZILLION MILLION DOLLARS ON RESEARCH - to develop a newer, better, more improved, BIGGER, STRONGER, MORE IMPERVIOUS PLASTIC BAG?


OH - in closing, another stupid thought occurred to me. You know how PROPAGANDA is designed to create a FALSE ENEMY, in order to create a common ground for the common folk to concentrate their FEAR on? Like, WMD - WEAPONS OF MASS DESTRUCTION…

What if the BRILLIANT GUVMINT had decided about twenty years ago, to get EVERYONE to concentrate their FEARS ON SMOKING? GEE, then all the SHEEP wouldn’t bother or care about all the REAL PROBLEMS of our Nation, would they?

NAH - that’s too farfetched, our illustrious LEADERS would never LIE to us, would they?


PAPER OR PLASTIC? THAT IS THE QUESTION!


J-PAL… Joy - Peace - Abundance - Love… TOM.