Remember the "Dear Abbie" column?
Awoke early this morning, at about eight am, with only five hors sleep. Yeah, had several DREAMS, some in color, some erotic, and some just plain SICKO!
Been writing now, for around four hours. A word of CAUTION --- if you are faint of heart, or have a heart "condition" --- you may want to just SKIP this one!
DISCLAIMER: I WILL NOT BE HELD RESPONSIBLE FOR ANY AND ALL EFFECTS OF YOUR READING THIS CRAPOLA!
IF YOU 'WET YOURSELF' LAUGHING, HAVE A HEART ATTACK, OR STROKE EVEN, OR GET REALLY 'PISSED' AT ME --- IT WAS YOUR CHOICE TO READ THIS --- I WILL DISAVOW ANY RESPONSIBILITY WHATSOEVER!
Now, a select few, of the Venusian population, may find some of this to be Chauvinistic, at best. Some, of the Martian persuasion, could possibly be offended also --- IF THE SHOE FITS - WEAR IT!
LIVE WITH IT!
As always your input, via Reviews, or Comments, is always appreciated --- ALL TWO OF YOU!
Lastly, as you read, try to imagine the old Alan Funk TV Show - SMILE - YOU'RE ON CANDID CAMERA!
Dear Albert Letters
Copyright: 10/26/07 - Tom Hyland
Dear Albert:
If, on the very first date, right in front of other people, and God, even, a young beautiful blonde almost sucks your tongue out of its socket, is she trying to tell me something?
I mean, come on now - I’m short, fat, old, homely looking, almost bald, almost Jewish, but I’m a Mensch - a very rich one! Could it be that she really is a nice girl, and likes me? I mean, for me?
Thank you.
Sincerely Confused,
Naďve.
Dear Naďve:
First of all, do yourself a favor - in fact, do the world a favor, get a big bottle of that really powerful, germ-killing, LISTERINE MOUTHWASH - RINSE - GARGLE - SWALLOW! Obviously, SHE DOES!
You are about to get married, real fast, to DEEP THROAT! She is the notorious “HOOVER” The HOOKER! She is so sweet, and cute, and cuddly, that butter wouldn’t melt in her mouth - but SEAMEN DO! Or is it semen does? Whatever!
MOZOLTOV! Albert.
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Dear Albert:
Recently, at a convention for aging bachelors, while DIPPING IN the punchbowl for some red-looking liquid that tasted like KOOLADE, a young beautiful redhead brushed against my maleness member so anxiously, that I almost dropped my cup. When the red stuff splattered down my front, and she immediately started rubbing it off, or in, I forget - I blushed, stammered, and stuttered, as I was embarrassed.
A few minutes later, in a stall in the men’s room, she was BLOW-DRYING my wet pants, while massaging my happy, horny, little hammer. We were married there, in Vegas, that same night. Is this True Love, or what?
Thank you.
Sincerely Embarrassed,
Smiley.
Dear Smiley:
MOZOLTOV! Yes, it is True Love! Rush out and buy her the biggest DIAMOND you can’t afford. You just married “Harriet The HO!” Then, go see your Doctor, and/or a Specialist, like maybe a PROCTOLOGIST, or UROLOGIST even, some good tests to take are: syphilis, gonorrhea, and all other STD’s, as well as HIV.
Contrary to public opinion, IT may swell, itch, and spit up, but IT WON’T JUST FALL OFF!
Have a Nice Day, Albert.
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Dear Albert:
While sharing a cab the other night, as we sped up Broadway, this delicious, curvaceous brunette smiled, gently took my hand, put it up real high on her inner thigh, and purred “Hi, Handsome!” Five minutes later, she was really, really WET. In ten minutes, we were strolling through the lobby of the Park Plaza Hotel, arm-in-arm, and she was drooling like a Pussycat about to feast on Beluga caviar.
Once in the room, she tore off all her clothes, pounced on her back on the bed, and screamed out at me, “EAT ME!”
Well, quite frankly, that kind of “action” has always been repulsive to me, so I got the hell out of there quickly. As my cab was sitting at a traffic light, a really suave, debonair guy in a three-piece pinstripe suit opened the door, and in a deep baritone voice said: “May I JOIN you? as he slipped in.
Am I crazy, or what?
Sincerely Perplexed,
Johnny.
Dear Johnny:
Repulsive - Smulsive - No, you are not Mischugina - you are just GAY! Get out of the closet, and GO FOR IT! Get Engaged - Hell, get Married - a cure for AIDS is probably just around the corner!
Live long and Prosper! Albert.
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Dear Albert:
I have always been a law-abiding, God-fearing, tax-paying, animal-loving, bill-paying, ecology-minded, celibate, who pays my ten percent, Tithing up front, and on time, all the time - but, lately, I have been having erotic dreams, and wake up with wet boxers. Am I suffering from some strange illness?
Sincerely Baffled,
Isaac.
Dear Isaac:
Yes, Isaac, you are one of those rare, few, male Virgins, who has now succumbed to an equally rare, exotic Hawaiian disease, known in the vernacular as - “LACK-A-NOOKY!”
GO GET LAID! I’d recommend a black-tressed, black-eyed Beauty, who doesn’t charge very much!
May the Force be with you! Albert.
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Dear Albert:
In thirty-four years of blissful marriage, I think that my wife has rarely ever had a real orgasm. She always said: “That’s okay, don’t worry about me, I’m just tired.”
The three times that it was really good, was when she awakened me, early in the morning hours, by grabbing my throbbing penis. She immediately got on top, inserted it, and pumped away, finally screaming out, “YEAH, YEAH, OH GOD, YEAH!”
Two out of those three times, she got PREGNANT! The third time, years later, she had already been FIXED, so it was impossible. Every month or so, almost like clockwork, she would actually initiate lovemaking, and would already be moist. No lubricant would ever be necessary!
Other than those times, it was always, “That’s okay, I got a little one.” I tried everything. I even went downtown, to one of those sleazy stores, and bought her a DILDO! I made sure it was the same size as me, average, and it had a removable, washable natural color cover, in which the hard plastic, battery operated vibrator was inserted. At first, she objected. Then, agreed to try it just once! Later on, she didn’t like the vibrations, and always had me turn off the batteries, using just manual dexterity. Years later, she would say: “WHERE’S BOB?” - Battery Operated Boyfriend - when she was “IN THE MOOD.”
I’ve heard stories about women FAKING ORGASMS; but as I was always faithful, I had no experience with which to compare. Anyway, I always wondered, was she just faking it, or what?
Sincerely Clueless,
Lonesome George - Divorced.
Dear Lonesome:
AH! In the infamous words of William Shakespeare: “THERE LIES THE RUB!” you screwed up, DUMMY! Matching your little AVERAGE size was the problem! Even with BOB, she was always disappointed, as he was just like you - SMALL!
You should have gotten something more erotic, like a 9 or 12 inch, BIG BLACK BOMBER! Then, she could have fantasized better, and longer, and invariably with ORGASMIC RESULTS! Who says, “Size doesn’t matter?” all the NUDNICKS, that’s who!
Quite frankly, she was probably BORED OUT OF HER GOURD, with mediocrity. Or, maybe, just maybe, she already got satisfied before you got home, you know, like: the handsome Younger Neighbor next door - or the Milkman - or the Postman - FEDEX man - UPS man - HELL --- wad’da I know? --- Maybe even ALL OF THE ABOVE?
So, now George, you wan’na improve your LOVELIFE? Run, do not walk, back to that SLEAZY store, and get yourself one of those B-B-B’s aforementioned. Rather than being disappointed, ALL your NEW GIRLFRIENDS will be DELIGHTED!
Oh, for sure, you still won’t really get LAID a lot --- but HEY, look at the bright side --- you might learn to be a Cunning Linguist!
LICK LONG AND PROSPER HER! Albert.
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J-PAL ... Joy-Peace-Abundance-Love ...
Tom.
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