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AIN'T LANGUAGE (as in Languor) WUNNERFUL?

TELEKINESIS

© - Tom Hyland - 07-29-08


Welcome to Tom’s Twilight Zone!

This is an area where the TELENCEPHALON - (look it up in your Funk & Wagnall’s) - utilizes both of the cerebral hemispheres to attempt to think OUT OF THE BOX.

First, let us break down the word of the day - TELEKINESIS:

PREFIX - tele - meaning distant, or operating at a distance - the four primary forms of high speed transmission of data in either audio or video format are: telegraph, telephone, television, TELEWOMAN.

ROOT - kine - noun, plural - cows or cattle (archaic).

Thus, it is readily seen that Telekinesis must be the action of moving a herd of cattle, without physically touching them, right?

WRONG! Lighten up Pilgrim, that was a joke!

Kinematics - noun - a branch of physics that deals with the motion of a body or system without reference to force and mass.

Telekinesis - noun - the supposed psychic power to move or deform inanimate objects without the use of physical force.

An example of this would be the way in which my Dad could merely shake his newspaper, making a crunchy noise, while looking over the top of his glasses, and glare at you - this immediately and powerfully expressed an emotion that you better MOVE out of my area and stop disturbing me or - I WILL DEFORM OR KILL YOU! This action, was totally non-verbal. While we kids were being too animate, he clearly wished for us to become INANIMATE - subtle, but can you see the difference?

This now brings us to the meat, or the pith of this somewhat dubious exercise in brain-storming - the conservation of Energy. Now that the lying, cheating, stealing Petroleum Industry has RAPED us all - along with the Administration, and Congress - they are beginning to think that maybe they: shoulda coulda woulda consider perhaps some alternate forms of energy. DUH!

While this may be a noble decision, and finally, quite timely - considering that the frigging planet is rapidly MELTING - building both national and worldwide systems of Solar and Wind energy collection and distribution systems will require both a tremendous amount of expense and investment, as well as a lot of Time!

So, my first thought was - why not develop individual powers of Telekinesis? I go out, get into my car, sit behind the wheel, and simply concentrate my mind on Moving the Car. No gas, no noise, no pollution, no cost - just pure, unadulterated PSYCHIC POWER!

Well, surprisingly, that somehow didn’t work! Well, I am a novice, and that was a first attempt - maybe I didn’t concentrate hard enough? So, on the second attempt, I really, really put my whole mind, heart, and soul into this Telekinesis thing. I closed my eyes. I gritted my teeth. I clenched my fists tightly to the steering wheel - and VOILA! THERE WAS MOVEMENT - in my bowels!

Naturally, this required a return to my mobile home for a quick change of my Drawers! While meditating on the concept of a third attempt, it dawned on me - YES! That’s it! That’s the ticket! Next time, I will simply wear DEPENDS!

After further consideration though, it was realized that at the price of: medicines, drugs, orthopedic devices, and other sundry medical equipment, such as: walkers, canes, scooters, syringes, insulin, potty chairs, wheelchairs, et alia - maybe the dependence on DEPENDS might cost more than gas, with all the driving I do. Ergo, the motion of DOO-DOO might outweigh the Capital Investment of gasoline?
Back to the drawing board!

The next storm that came out of the brain was - how about TELEPORTATION?

Teleport - verb, transitive - to move an object supposedly using telekinesis - Verb intransitive - in science fiction and fantasy, to move instantly from one place to another by some paranormal or magical means. AHA! Now we’re cooking with grease!

If nothing else - I’m certainly not just normal - so paranormal might be the answer. It is an adjective meaning - unable to be explained or understood in terms of scientific knowledge.

Back out into my trusty steed - SILVER - my 2004 Chrysler PT Cruiser - armed to the hilt with “urine and vinegar” I was now determined that deeper concentration, will-power, and persistence was the answer - using Telekinesis I would Teleport both me and my car directly to Ocean City, Maryland. Eyes closed. Teeth gritted. Fists clenched. One One-Thousand One - Two One-Thousand - Three One-Thousand - - -

That’s when I discovered and added a new word to my already exhausting vocabulary - PARAPARESIS - - -

A medical condition in which both legs, and often the BLADDER, have little voluntary control! First - Number Two - now Number One! GADZOOKS!

As I went back in the house to change AGAIN, it then hit me like a ton of bricks! We already have too many physical traffic accidents - just imagine millions of automobiles and trucks zipping in and out of space and time, with no controls, no traffic lights, no turn signals, no brake lights - WOW! It would be a fiasco! We would rip the fabric of the Space-Time Continuum! THAT would certainly help Global Warming, wouldn’t it?

After a hot shower, and a cold beer, as I sat in my reclining chair, reviewing these attempted processes of Telekinesis, my pondering went deeper and deeper - delving into the depths of sub-consciousness - wherein I learned another new word - PARAPHASIA - noun - a speech defect of neurological origin in which the speaker’s words are jumbled unintelligibly.

It was then quickly determined that - if spoken words were thus affected, then perhaps written or typed words might be similarly flawed? EUREKA! That’s my problem - I must have paraphasia -
what else could possibly explain my linguistic ineptitudes?

It is often difficult, if not totally impossible to dissuade a hard-headed Irishman from pursuing a chosen goal, so I was next forced to reference my WORD Encarta World English Dictionary Thesaurus yet again.

The very next word under paraphasia was none other than -

PARAPHERNALIA - noun - with two interesting meanings:

1. assorted objects or items of equipment, often things that seem amusing, strange, or irritating. (my writing is certainly THAT).
2. in former times, items of property given to a wife on her wedding by her new husband and thereafter legally her own.

Parenthetical Footnote: besides all that, she later gets: the house, the car, the furniture, the kids, the bank accounts, along with your left gonad - see DIVORCE! This then leads to -

PARAPHYSIS - noun - an erect STERILE filament that grows among the reproductive organs of: Fungi, Algae, and Mosses -

This is what the husband gets - except the ERECT part - ED!

Scrolling down and reading further, we find -

PARAPSYCHOLOGY - noun - the study of supposed mental phenomena that cannot be explained by known psychological or scientific principles, for example, extrasensory perception, and telepathy. (again - my writings).

Thank God! I finally got back to the tele stuff -

TELEPATHY - noun - supposed communication directly from one person’s mind to another’s without speech, writing, or other signs or symbols. BY GEORGE - This is the Solution!

So, now as the Sun Also Rises, and the Moon Glows, we have gone complete circle, and have resolved the current dilemma of mankind. Millions and millions of: hours, days, months, years of Time can be saved. HOW? We all just stop writing!

Go out now and sit in your car. I will do so also.

Then using mental TELEPATHY, I will tell you how to use TELEKINESIS to TELEPORT yourself right smack dab into the middle of OBLIVION!

Noun -
1. a state of being utterly forgotten.
2. a state of forgetting everything or of being unaware of surroundings.
3. the deliberate overlooking of past offenses!


OUT OF SIGHT - OUT OF MIND!

BET YOU FEEL BETTER ALREADY!

Peace - Tom

© - TKH

OH - P.S. JUST PASSED 300,000 HITS!