Would a slight bit of levity lighten your load today?

Do you need a real hard deep Belly Laugh?

Leave your ever;lovin' muvva puter for just a sec, and

go into your bathroom, turn the lights on and ...

LOOK IN THE MIRROR!

DRUTHERS

© - Tom Hyland - 02-28-09


Have you ever thought about choices that you made in the past? Ever REGRET any of them? Ever wish you had a Magic Wand to change them? What if you could?

IF I HAD MY DRUTHERS …

Firstly - I would have taken that M.I.T. Scholarship exam that Mrs. Gross wanted me to take when I was a Senior in Southern High School - would probably be a Rich Retired Engineer now!

Secondly - the Scholarship I did Win and Turned down - Maryland State Teachers Association - I would ACCEPT - by now I would at least be a Retired Professor, Principal, or Teacher, with a much better Retirement Pension!

Thirdly - I would never have joined the Army in June 1960 - I would have proposed to, and married my First Love - Alma Sue! In addition, instead of two adult children and no grandchildren - I would probably have at least four adult children and eight or nine grandkids! Semi-Nuns do not make good producers and lovers!

Where, Oh Where is Sweet Little Susie?

“Way down yonder, in the Paw-Paw patch - Pickin’ up Paw-Paws puttin’ ‘em in a basket - way down yonder in the Paw-Paw patch!”

Fourthly - I should have finished filing that Patent - in all humility, it was a great idea - that better mousetrap, where the world would have beat a path to my door! Like ole Mickey Mouse, in Jack The Giant Killer - I’d a been - Tom The Mouse Killer! That path would have been paved like The Yellow Brick Road, only with Gold Bullion Blocks! Now, where did I put that danged old hand-scribbled drawing?

Face it - ole Rube Goldberg was always one of my most treasured Heroes. Somehow coming up with a Contraption that had a What-cha-ma-call-it trigger a Thing-a-ma-jig, that caused a Doo-dad to ratchet a Gizmo, thereby pushing a Doo-hickey up an inclined plane to a Thingy on a string, that plopped a Cat’s-eye marble into a curved trough, that rolled around and around, kind of like a Roller Coaster, which eventually catapulted a miniature Ball-bearing through a trap-door, releasing a cyanide tablet into a tub of hydro-chloric acid, and - POOF! That Sucker was instantly, and humanely D-E-A-D and simultaneously EVAPORATED into thin air! Yep - Rich and Famous - that’s what I would be - ONLY IF!

Anyway, the prior secret invention also reminds me of a comedic film ENVY - starring Ben Stiller and Jack Black, who invented a spray called VaPOOrizer, which evaporates dog Poo, that was a huge success. I should be so lucky!

Fifthly - gee, never noticed before, see how similar that word is to Filthy? Might be a good poem title, like - The Filthy Fifthly Flincher! Sorry - I do digress.

I would have stood my ground with ‘the old lady’ and purchased that beautiful shore-front home on two acres, down off of Back River Neck Road, near Miami Beach, in Essex, Maryland! A wonderful, T-shaped pier with both electric and water sources already run. With a separate, big building for entertaining - about four full-sized picnic tables could fit inside - and it had a huge, complete Kitchen there, to boot! Aah - the steamed crabs would have been good there!

Sixthly - if I had my Druthers, I would -

Never, never, never - Ever have used Publish America to do my first and only book - “Bawlmer, Merlyn - Home of the Hons.” For fear of being sued for slander and/or libel, I won’t tell you why. Suffice it to say that I was naïve, dumb, inexperienced - and got screwed without being kissed first! LIZ warned me, but I didn’t listen, because it was Free! “Nothing Worthwhile is ever Free!”

Seventhly - I would never ever have invested all those Thousands of Dollars in all those various and sundry Pyramid Schemes!

To be sure, they all claimed not to be as such - MLM - was the ‘catch phrase’ - Multi-Level-Marketing. Just do this or that, or the other thing, and we’ll tell you all about the hidden costs later, which will far outweigh any and all meager income you may or might garner - somehow, someday, somewhere …

Now I know that none of you highly intelligent, well-educated, common-sense-oriented readers out there - ever got fooled by any of this Crapola - did you? Right!

You only need a teensie-weensie outlay of a mere ten dollars to get started - and we’ll set you up with your own personalized website, and people will flock to it like ‘flies on wadda-call-it’ - sure!

And then, there’s all those Free Leads we’re gon’na give you - you know, the ones that are spread all over the great U.S. of A. - the ones that are all Long Distance phone numbers that will cost you a Fortune - an arm and a leg - that is, if you ever catch anybody actually home. Face it, they are just poor dumb suckers just like you - working full-time all day, five days a week - then, just rushing home to wait for that old phone to ring - champing at the bit - just waiting for your call!

Oh - did you notice that fine print on page 97 of the free DVD, whereby we tell you about the Better, Super-Duper, More-Gooder prospects that actually contain eMail addresses (a few of which are actually correct) - that really turn out to be poor Suspects - that don’t want to be bothered in the first place?

Yes, now that we’ve sucked you in, and you wasted a month and a half in the ‘larnin’ stage - we’re glad you asked that question - the really good website with all the frills, bells, and whistles, does in fact, cost a trifling $49.95 a month - OR - by signing the contract and paying a reduced annual sum of a mere $500.00, you can Save $100.00 and - get started earning more money faster!

And the really Prime, Screened, Golden prospect lead list is only $24.95 a month, but - another savings of $50.00 can be realized by pre-paying that for a year also.

And, to answer your frantic question about your Net Income statement, which reflected such a small pittance last month - see page 143 of your No. 8 DVD, whereby it states in full detail and disclosure that your Sponsor’s Initial Outlay has to be first recouped, thereby leaving you with the well-earned sum of 22 % of Gross Sales - minus Taxes, Business Cards, Letterheads, Fax Questionnaire Forms, and Miscellaneous Non-Factorial, but necessary corporate licensing deductions, et al.

Better Business Bureau? Huh? What’s that? We will now disavow any knowledge of you as a Member - your site will self-destruct momentarily - and your Tenth Level Upper Diamond Sponsor Chain has already evaporated posthaste.

Have a Nice Day!
John Saskatchawan-Lowenstein - CEO.

Eighthly - now I’m starting to scratch my head to come up with another Doozy I might have avoided. Oh, yeah - that’s it! I would never have bought a USED CAR!

Someone much wiser than I once wrote -
“Buying a used car is like buying someone else’s Troubles!” So true - So True!

It might be the Battery that dies on you. Or maybe one of those shiny (sprayed with paint) Re-Tread tires blows at sixty miles an hour! A month or so later (if you are that lucky) - a radiator hose blows - or a dry-rotted fan belt disintegrates - or perhaps the STP additive wears out, and the old clunker starts smoking like Mount Helena - and your engine needs a ring job?

But sometimes you are really lucky like I was - that 1966 Aqua-Green Nash Rambler Station Wagon that you got as a Second Family car Blows its Transmission while still within that wonderful huge 30-Day warranty! WHEW! God is watching over me!

Ninthly - this is really getting tough - could it be that I never made that many mistakes in 68 years? Ponder - Wonder - Ponder -
Think - Thank - Thunk …

Aha! I’ve got it! FOOD!
As Bill S. once said: “There lies the Rub!”

Maybe I should Not have eaten three million Pizzas! Or, being Irish could be a valid excuse; but those eight to ten million Irish potatoes sure didn’t help my physique any, did they?

I never met a potato I didn’t like - with the exception of Sweet, that is! Baked, boiled, mashed, fried, au gratin, scalloped - with meat, without meat - with gravy, without gravy - with shredded Cheddar, or Mozzarella, or Swiss, or Provolone, or Romano, or even Cream cheese - with mounds of real butter, then smothered with sour cream and chives also! Fresh - canned - frozen - grated - chopped - diced - squished - mooshed - mashed - smashed - fluffed - tater tots - French-fried - Julienne-cut - and even - INSTANT!

There, I admitted it - and I am glad!
They don’t call me TANK for nothin’!

Just kiddin’ - when I was admitted into the hospital for the first time in my life, last August 25th, on my Sixty-eighth birthday, no less - I weighed 174 pounds. I’m happy to say that now, six months later, I’m at 154 - 20 pounds lost! And - that is not because of any dieting on my part, simply a change in WHAT I eat - and How Much.

Tenthly - what could I have avoided? Or what should I have done differently? This exercise is tougher than I originally thought, so let us do a quick review - Engineer - Teacher - Mate Choice - Invention - Home Selection - Publisher - Pyramid Schemes - Used Cars - Food - Check, Check, and Double-Check - Nine Items …

En Espanol - Que esta El Numero Diez? Por favor?

El Drummo Rollo …

Tener relaciones sexuales con … El Sexo!

Yeah - all of them thar Beautiful Women that I TURNED DOWN!

Shoulda - Coulda - Woulda - I’d a DIDDA!

There you have it - only Ten Druthers!

What might You Change?

© - TKH