When two people are attraced to each other it is critical that they stay in touch with reality and observe early signals.

The Infatuation Rut


Many people in relationships put their partner on a pedestal. I call this the “Halo Effect”. When people have this attitude towards their partner, they refuse to acknowledge a need for change. They are seeing only perfection in what their partner does, feels, or believes. But wait! Wait until the first conflict, and I’ll bet that the cracks in their “otherwise perfect companion” will start to show.

How people get into it

In one of his books, Handbook to Higher Consciousness, author Ken Keys discusses the idea of attraction. He says that people who are initially attracted to each other can almost never tell you why. They will say things like, “I love her smile,” or “The way he walks just turns me on.”

Ken believes it stems from a portion of our brain that he refers to as the Amago. This is that unidentified portion of the mind that, for some reason, is attracted to some people and not others. The Amago is often times defined by our parents’ traits. People unconsciously search for the qualities found in their parents. As a result, we initially fail to see the negatives in the other person.

We also use our mental filter in such a relationship Just as we filter all the actions we witness, we filter out any of the negatives in the other person’s behavior. Please keep in mind that they are not really negatives, but are our unique perceptions and interpretations.

So, why do we put these people on pedestals?

Our subconscious mind does. Since much of our life is dictated by our subconscious, we allow it to take control, even if we aren’t aware of it.

I recall a former relationship when I experienced complete infatuation. There wasn’t anything I wouldn’t have done for my partner. I would have sacrificed my life to save hers. She could do no wrong. She was perfect—beautiful, intelligent, sensual, fun, successful. I could go on, but I don’t want to bore you. Looking back, I believe she had many of the same feelings for me in the beginning. Unfortunately, this mutual bond was founded on an artificial trust and conditional love. The pedestal we had placed each other upon, based on nothing more than infatuation, soon collapsed. A question I have asked myself many times since is: Had we not put each other on these pedestals, and really seen each other for who we were and what we believed, would we still be together? If we had realized that no one is perfect and that fulfilling all these hidden agendas was impossible, would we have been more realistic? No use speculating now; it’s history. But I’ve learned my lesson.

A few final thoughts for you to consider

Your initial attraction is a purely emotional experience without justification or reality. Make decisions with this rationale and you will create a nightmare for yourself. Pay attention to these emotional signals, but don’t let them rule your early relationship decisions.

Action steps to avoid this rut

1) Write a description of your partner’s qualities and then share it with him. Ask your partner to do the same.

2) If you did not complete the Relationship Questionnaire in the early part of the book, both of you should do it now, separately.

3) Check out your mental filter. Do you see most people clearly or does your interpretation of them depend on who you are describing: friend, relative, neighbor, or fellow employee?

4) Ask your friends to describe your partner and listen closely to what they say. Since they do not have the same romantic involvement, they may be more accurate in their description. Many times I should have listened to the counsel of a good friend about my former partners.

5) Each of you complete a personality profile test and then compare notes. It can be very eye opening. (I have a sample test on my website. Check it out and let me know if you and your partner would like to complete one.)