These are my thoughts on being transsexual.

THOUGHTS ON BEING TRANSGENDERED
by Barbara Lynn Terry

In the 60's, Bob Lind made a song called Elusive Buttefly. I like the refrain from that song. "Don't be concerned, it will not harm you, it's only me pursuing something I'm not sure of, across my dreams, with nets of wonder, I chase the bright elusive butterfly of love." I like that refrain, because there are no true r words in the world. Especially for the transgendered. We fight each and every moment of our existence for acceptance of our true identities, only to be met with ridicule, hatred, beatings, death, from our families as well as strangers. My mother was one such person. She always ridiculed me, instead of showing love and acceptance for who I am. So in effect, we who are transgendered, chase the bright elusive butterfly of love, cause all we want is love for who we are. Does that make any sense? Yes it does.

People are so wrapped up in their own little world of hatred, that they use the transgendered as targets for their animosity. My mother used me as such a target. She committed me to a residential treatment center in west central Wisconsin called the Wisconsin Child Center. It is located in Sparta, Wisconsin. The staff there was somewhat aloof to the problems of the transgendered, and refused to help us who needed it the most. My mother was very selfish, very hateful and stupid. She refused to understand me, or didn't want to take the time to even try.

I've been a girl all of my life. Why wasn't I permitted to live that life? I mean, she gave me life and then forbade me to live it. That doesn't make any sense at all, not to me anyway. After two and a half years at Sparta, I was transferred to the Winnebago State Hospital, now called the Winnebago Mental Health Institute. It is in Winnebago county just north of Oshkosh, Wisconsin. My mother wrote me and told me in no uncertain terms that she refused to come and see me. What did I do that was so wrong, to make her hate me so much? OH MY GOD! If she would have only talked to me. Asked me what was bothering me. Maybe I could have told her that it was my dream to be her daughter and do mother/daughter things with her. Like cooking, baking, sewing, girl talk, shopping, learning makeup techniques and most important learn about boys.

In my preteens, my friends, except for a few, were all girls. I liked being with the girls, cause it gave me someone to bond with, who had the same ideals and goals in life. I wanted so much to be a wife and mother. But my stupid, selfish, egostistical mother wouldn't let me. She threw me away when I was just twelve years old. I cried for five and a half years before I would be set free on my own at my eighteenth birthday, childrens court hearing. It's just so not fair, that I had to be punished for my mother's shortcomings. It's just so not fair. Not at all.

I have been punished ever since too. People refuse to give me a job, unless I met their strict dress codes. That is, if you are a male, you dress like a man (whatever that means). They never care about who you are inside. It is the cover they look at, and judge you accordingly. Apparently, Americans don't abide by the old addage "never judge a book by its cover". My cover may say male, but the story inside the cover reads female. Why is it that people never take the time to find out what a person's story is, before they go and judge that person? This would be a very nice world, if people respected the way each individual lived his or her life. I saw a movie the other day, it is my all time favorite sci-fi movie. It is called "The Day The Earth Stood Still." It Stars Michael Rennie, Sam Jaffe and Patricia Neal. If everyone followed the moral of that movie, this would be a very nice world. If you haven't seen it, you should. There is a very real message there, and in my opinion, should be followed by everyone throughout the world.

Another song I like too, is I Am Woman, by Helen Reddy. The second verse of that song goes like this: "You can bend, but never break me, for it only serves to make me, more determined to achieve my final goal. And, I've come back even stronger, not a novice any longer, cause you've deepened the conviction in my soul." Just remember, it doesn't matter if we are male to female, or female to male, transsexual; if we have to, we can face anything.

Body? OH MY GOD! Yes, our bodies. What do we do if we live our life as a female or a male in our souls, and we are trapped in the body of the oppsite sex? And what if we can't afford to have the necessary surgeries done to make us complete in our gender? Just think of it this way. It really doesn't matter how our bodies are. What matters is, that we know who we are, and we do not have to answer to anyone about who we are. If people cannot accept us for who we are, then they are the ones with the actual problem. The problems we have in this world today, are brought about from misunderstanding from a sexually frustrated mainstream society. They think everything is heterosexual, black and white, male and female. But it isn't quite that simple. I have been female all of my life, with complicated female thought patterns, emotions and feelings. My actions and the way I dress, reflect all of that. The only problems I had were in the 60's when my mother threw me away without regard for my best interests or my continued happiness or my dreams, which were shattered beyond hope. I am now fighting to get control of my dreams. Oh yes, I have the Gemini group and my therapist and certain online friends as well as my daughters, who love and accept me for who I am. But, it would be very nice if I could get that same love and acceptance whereever I go. When I go to the nail shop, the customers there think its funny that a "man" is having "his" fingernails done up really pretty. Or when I go to the supermarket. People there don't say anything out loud to me, but I hear the whispers and laughter. Or just walking down the street. I would like it very much if people would practice what they preach. So anyway, I said all that to say this, we must be who we are and be confident that we can be that person, even in the face of adveristy. If you are a female and want to be a man, then be a man. If you are a male and want to be a female, then be a female. But the trick is, to be confident in yourself to be who you really are inside.