understanding responses to self-esteem challenges

As a youngster growing up I faced many challenges to my self-esteem. Life was hard, and discipline often harsh. Rejection was a constant companion. Still, I survived and in fact thrived as an adult, becoming an over-acheiver to try to gain acceptance. Everything was by the book and I was my own worst critic, I had replaced the criticism of my parents with my own voice. I didn’t expect perfection in others but in myself anything short of that lofty goal was considered a failure.

I became depressed but hid this all inside growing hugely obese (weighing in at 347 pounds) and avoiding any and all risks to my self-esteem. Four years ago, I started writing, friends encouraged me to go deep and bring out the fears and the feelings hidden deep in order to make my writing less shallow and superficial. I followed their advice and discovered me; I was not pleased with what I saw.

Inside was a woman with dreams unrealized, and unexplored. Unhappy with her life situation even though from all outward appearances she seemed content. I had six children nearly all grown. Grandchildren arrived at regular intervals that I absolutely adored, a marriage of over 30 years (to the same husband). A home, a garden envied by the neighbors, hell what more could I ask for. The truth was I wasn’t honest with my family, my husband or myself. I was hiding behind the obesity.

I was restless. Writing took over with a vengeance. Suddenly new vistas appeared I dared to hope. Fifteen months ago I had Gastric Bypass surgery and lost over 170 pounds. I went from a size 26-28 to an 8-10, and self-confidence began to return. But, as I began to take risks again fears appeared, fears of failure, and conversely fears of success. So many changes happened, too many in a short time for my mind to comprehend and my emotional stability began to suffer.

Now how can both of these seemingly contradictory emotions be present? Well every time I would try something new I would find that someone would resist the change. My family became worried possibly that I would change beyond their ability to recognize me. Friends began to see me differently and it bothered them. I began to go therapy.

I dealt with childhood abuse issues long thought beyond their ability to touch me, they weren’t! I dealt with the sudden intolerance I now had for being ignored by my spouse, or taken advantage of by my children. I became a computer junkie, becoming friends with the multitudes. I discovered that the friends I had were fitting into two categories. One group became the kind of friends who were probably going to be lifetime friends and the other who preyed on my need to please others to validate myself. The later has proven to be very damaging to my emotional wellbeing.

tomorrow part #3