I didn't write this but wish I had....

From: Paul Reisenfern, Director
Office of Health and Safety, Computer Division

To: All Computer Users

Date: 1 April 2003

As a result of recent studies carried out in cooperation with the
National Science Foundation, we at OH&S have decided to ask for the
cooperation of computer users throughout the world to assist us in
alleviating two combined problems: a potential deterioration of the
shells housing computer monitors and, while less immediate, a shortage
of luminous electrons.

To explain how these problems arise, a bit of background is in order.
Basically a monitor operates like a television screen. One or more
"electron guns" fire luminous electrons toward the face of the display.
When these electrons hit, they release energy and illuminate a tiny spot
on the screen, called a pixel. On average, each computer display
requires approximately 500,000 pixels to compose an image; rather like
the dots of ink that compose a photograph in the newspaper.

Electromagnets control the path of these electron beams in the monitor,
moving them around so that the entire face of the display screen is
reached. These images are refreshed approximate 30 to 45 times per
second which means that your monitor is consuming approximately 1
Billion (1,000,000,000) luminous electrons per minute.

Because the majority of these electrons are converted into lumens
(light) which, eventually, returns to the universal etheric field, these
luminous electrons are not actually consumed but are continuously
recycled.

However, due to imperfections in the fabrication process, not all of the
electrons actually reach the face of the display screen. Most of those
that don't are deflected on their way through one of several "masks"
inside the monitor, which are used to improve image sharpness. According
to the OH&S study, these deflected luminous electrons accumulate inside
the monitor and, over extended periods of time, can substantially weaken
the structural integrity of the plastic monitor housing.

As for the eventual exhaustion of luminous electrons, while there is no
evidence of any immediate lack of luminous electrons, the increasing
world-wide dependence on computers and, therefore, on computer monitors
does suggest that such the eventual depletion of such particles could,
in time, become a critical international concern. While, at the present,
early studies seem to indicate that particle depletion will not reach
critical levels for several centuries, if nothing else, our past history
of ecological deterioration and species loss suggests that early efforts
directed toward conservation would not be inappropriate.

This brings us to the matter of cleaning up. The OH&S study has
developed a protocol for safe cleaning of accumulated luminous electrons
and their restoration to the universal etheric field. The necessary
steps are quite easily accomplished as detailed following:

1. Turn the computer off and disconnect the monitor from the power
source (that is: unplug it)

2. Start at the upper front portion of one side of the monitor. Using a
gentle motion, repeatedly tap the side of the monitor, starting at the
top and progressing toward the bottom. This should free any accumulated
electrons, which will fall harmlessly to the bottom of the plastic
housing.

3. Repeat step 2 for the opposite side of the monitor.

4. After thoroughly dislodging the accumulated luminous electrons, use a
common vacuum cleaner (a hose and wand type) and apply the vacuum nozzle
to the holes along the side of the case. This will vacuum out the
accumulated luminous electron particles and, as a secondary benefit,
will also help renew the vacuum in your vacuum tube (CRT) display.

5. At night, if possible, remove the dust bag from the vacuum cleaner
and, taking the bag outside, scatter the accumulated luminous electrons
to release them for return to the etheric field.

Note: laptop and portable computers and those using LCD monitors on
desktop computer do not need to comply with this cleaning process. The
technology used in LCD screens is quite different and is not vulnerable
to deflected electron buildup.

According to our studies at OH&S, this process should be repeated every
spring at around this time. Don't worry about remembering to do so,
though - we'll forward these instructions to you again, next year, on or
about April 1st.

Thank you for your cooperation,

Paul Reisenfern, Director
Office of Health and Safety, Computer Division.

For the full story read the date again...