This is a opener to show you some of what motivates me

Subject: letter to my sister
Hi I thought you might want to see why I cry. Some of my comments mention you and Pete and momma. It is not a stab. This is how I saw it at the time. I relive the events mentally every few days, I probably always will. ( Cindy I miss my Family)
Friday, July 01, 2005
this is something i typed one day outa the blue

what to do.what to do?
I KNOW I'M SUPPOSED TO ACT RIGHT.
Well I do know it. I am supposed to act right . But how does one act right in a wrong world?
anyone?
I can't live right.
Can I love my enemy?
One guy murdered my dad.
How do we handle stuf like that?. I don't have all the answers(C) but I do know what grace is now.
I heard about it while growing up. How God was here. How He cared. How He would never leave me or forsake me. Well, hearing something and living it, are different.
When I lived it, I learned it. When I walked into my Dads house that day. I had been saved about 6 yrs. A burned out junkie basically, that God had miraculously spoke to, and then gave some of that grace, to calm a torn soul, enough for me to see my need . Then he gave me grace to "step out" and accept his gift of salvation.
I have been a long time trying, with some success, thanks to God, to grow up. I never had to deal with emotions,make decisions or do anything responsible. My life was to seek a drug or good time and hide from assorted pain and low self esteem. (by the way high self esteem probably aint to spiritual. ) I started about 12 or 13 yrs old in my quest to be cool. The guys at church turned me on to my first pot, moonshine, and dirty pictures. I willingly ran towards it, I wanted and needed to fit in somewhere so desperately. The enemy was after my soul and my life. When my life was all done, except for pulling the trigger, during a time of "personal reformation" I "happened" to run smack into JESUS. I knew and still do that I deserved Hell. I was able by Gods grace to accept Jesus. Guess what? My "fire escape" turned out into a real, unexpected thing. :o)
Life
I never thot I would marry. My parents thot I would never be able to hold a job. I had and still have some mental problems. Manic depressive, "they" said, at 19. I think lots of what I have now is scars.
Anyways the day I walked into Dad's house and found him dead, I knew what others had told me about. God showed up. I knelt beside my Dad in unbelief! I thought he had some how injured himself! (I later found out that he had been stabbed 8 times!) I didn't know how to handle it. Do You? I will say I hope you never have to learn this particular lesson. I was in shock. I listened for his heart beat. I felt his chest. I had blood all over both hands. on my knees and on my shoes. (sorry to gross u out. I am not crying just talking :) I almost did, but I retained my purpose in typing all this.)
Well, I ran through the woods to my brothers house about 250 yards away screaming! "Pete!"
He heard me and met me in the yard. I said, " Oh Pete! something is wrong with Daddy, I think he is dead!" ( Pete, if saved, was way out of fellowship with God.) He ran with me back to the house. We walked through house after calling the local sheriff. There were bloody tennis shoe tracks all over the house. A 2 litre cold drink was on the counter with a very bloody hand print on it. The lid was off.
So not weary you with awful details. My pastor beat the law man to the house. My brother Pete (dead now, hopefully in Heaven) was torn up, as were we all. The pastor went in with me looked over scene. He prayed for God to help us. Well God had already showed up. I had heard it said. The Pastor said, "Brother Dennis, are you ok?" It just came out. " I am better today than the best day I had as lost man" God had showed up! The song says "Here comes Jesus with His grace again, Just about the time I need it" It was an awful time. We all wore guns. My mother who had never had to pay a bill, with only a 6th grade education (did I mention a saint of God and my friend?). I was not gonna let her come into the house. This is how God helped me. I along with a friend from N.C. and a local friend went into house and spent about a day with soap and water and cleaned up most of the mess. I made arrangements for Dads funeral, (God) I took care of my Mom,
(GOD). I dealt with the comments about me killing my Father while caught stealing His furniture(God)I say (GOD) alots. I was not the guy to do this stuff. My brother looked at me like I was some how warped to be able to handle it. My sister and he went to town and stayed in town. Horrified. My mom came back Home. :o) I was NOT able to handle it. God was though. The day following the murder some one stopped on the hi-way, in front of our house, and screamed "I'm gonna kill you Robert Brannen"(my dad) spun off and was Gone. Who it was or why they did it, we have never found out.
A few days later someone shot a hole through a porch window. The "law" said that it was some unrelated gang initiation thing. BTW house is 6 miles from town in farm land. How do you deal with such? I don't know all of it. BUT I DO KNOW. God is faithful. When I think about dying. Or think about My Dad, its not graveyard thots. I cried sure. I still do some times. It's been 15 yrs July the 21st.
However, if anyone knew the extent of the number of desperate prayers that has God answered, the way that I know, they would have to say, "God is GOOD.". Ask Me some times to tell you how God worked to solve the case. It involves a prayer of a desperate man, torn, kneeling in the middle of a dirt road, not allowed in the house, at about 3:00 am, begging God to show me anything that could possibly make a difference. :) I learned about grace. It was a crash course. But When I needed God, He showed up in a big way! It's not over. The problems didn't end with a trial. In the court room, the grins of the murderer and the huge pictures of my dads wounds that were displayed, didn't happen to help me act exactly right. (God) I decided to let God handle it. Now, that no good murderer, has had a couple of hundred prayers for his soul from me. He is a cross-dressing homosexual, that had a name for dressing in ladys clothes and picking up young boys posing as a street walker. About 5 more of the same kind of people as he, was States witnesses that testified on "our" side. If I was lost and alone, I do not think I could have survived it. I think of Gods providence and provision. I don't get to cocky, thanks to God. If you don't know what to do. Let me tell you like I tell my kids. :o) When Jesus speaks to your heart say Yes!
Oh well life will make u smile some times and sometimes make u cry.
IF any one cares ( and I know some do) I want to
finish well. Dennis
HAVE A NICE DAY :O)