Never emotionally cheat with a friend of over a year. If he's witty and a writer, this happens....
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Ah, the holidays. What are they good for? Giving. The spirit of giving. Also, relatives dying. That happens a lot around now. But that’s depressing; let’s get back to giving. Today we’re going to learn what not to give. And by “we,” I mean the ladies. I’m talking to the ladies here. Men?  Come on, guys…you know what not to do. If you’re the type of guy who doesn’t, you’re not reading this. Odds are, you’re not reading at all.

So for all you gals out there, some free advice:  If you're going to emotionally cheat on your insignificant other under the pretense that this new loving, evolving relationship is going to replace the old, tired crappy one, don't do it with a friend of many years. In the end, when the crappy insignificant other says he'll change and then proposes to you to prove it, what you're going to do is melt and exclaim, "Yes! Finally! I kissed a frog's asshole and he's turning into a prince!"

You're going to do this because even though you've read Blink and seen a thousand Jerry Springers that demonstrate how it will never work out, this time it's different. You're the one who will get her happily ever after. You're the exception that proves the rule. You’re just like all those blind, selfish gals you swore you’d never become.

Now in the back of your mind you know all of this. I’m not speaking to the back of your mind, I’m speaking to the front of it where you still think you’re a good person. You’re not. You’re so very not. Remember the frog’s asshole visual? You’re kind of like that only wider. See, the type of guys you’re attracted to just trudge along through life getting away with whatever they can and doing little in the way of self-improvement—kind of like your dad. See how Freud was right and everything is predictable including the outcome of your rekindled love?

Anyway, getting back to how you’re a frog’s wide asshole, that’s what men do: say they’ll change and buy you off. Not all men, just the kind you’ll marry. The way you differentiate yourself is to think you’re better than that and so you’re within your rights, as kind of a moral guardian, to change him. He never changes. Your father never changed did he? You cannot change your dad through this guy just as your mom couldn’t change her father through marrying your dad. If she had told you that we might not be having this discussion. She might not have figured it out yet herself, so share this with her.

So, okay: You’re a complete fuck up masquerading as a normal, decent woman. You don’t have to be but you are. There are several ways to improve this and they are as follows:

1.)    Admit it. You’ll feel much better and then you can move on to healthy relationships. That’s key. It’s really the only solid way but you’ll not take it because much like the guy you’re with, you crave the path of least resistance. You don’t make grunting sounds, you make conversation and so you think you’re above it all but you’re not. You, like he, are it all.

2.)    Emotionally cheat but not with someone you’ve known for more than a year. The deal is this: You are going to string along a friend who has been there for you even when you weren’t there for yourself and then, when you decide to marry the frog prince, you’ll really, really, really want that friend to remain in your life. This is because, as we have discovered, the marriage will not work out, and you’ll need that friend to fall back on. Without the friend you become a lonely divorced cat lady who scorns men and never admits that this is equal parts her fault. It’s just men who suck. Wah. Pass me another feline.  (Incidentally, cats over dogs because cats lead the type of faux-independent narcissistic lives you wish you could successfully lead.)

3.)    Okay so you’ve emotionally cheated with a friend of over a year under the pretense that you were breaking up with the toad and the friend found out you’re newly engaged to the hopper. Now what? Now some more don’ts. Don’t send an email saying, “Sorry. Can you forgive me?” Nothing about the situation implies that your appetite for forgiveness should be fed. You don’t get to want anything here, that’s just asshole on top of asshole. The answer is, “No. You don’t deserve forgiveness.” Keep that in mind and don’t ask it.

4.)    Call him or show up at his door. Yes, even if he told you to go suck yourself. I can hear you now: He wrote me hate mail/left an angry message when I avoided his call and now I hate him. I’m glad I burned him. Now I know he deserved it. I think when you see it spelled out that way you can point to all the selfishness involved in terms of role reversal, bravado, and feeling attacked, but there’s another hidden component, which is you’re an incredible wimp. His is a perfect response for you because it lets you off the hook. You’re not the asshole, he is. The frog-prince must be the right man for you; excellent choice. The truth is, you’re a non-confrontational passive-aggressive twat. If you were not that you’d immediately call your freshly-fucked friend and apologize deeply with no hint of wanting to be forgiven. You’d apologize not for hurting him, not for the way he feels, but because you now know you’re all of the slanderous remarks I’ve been writing here. You realize that and you’re sorry, for whatever it’s worth, which may not be much. You know you threw away a perfectly fine friendship on a stupid gamble because you’re more comfortable with dysfunction than true happiness. Happiness, you’ve never known. Dysfunction, you have. And you want to fix it. Fix daddy. It’s impossible but that’s the place you’re at and even though he doesn’t feel it now, your ex-friend is better off without you because you’re trash.

5.)    Don’t tell him that last sentence from #4.  Sorry. That was more for you to internalize. Don’t actually tell him that last part. The last thing he needs is for you to tell him how to feel. He knows how to feel, that’s why he was your friend for so long and why you’re shitting down his throat now. You’d never treat your new fiancé that way because he wouldn’t be able to handle it. He’d beat you or throw your junk out the window.

6.)    Set boundaries and stick to them. You’re a pile of shit. Established. Now you’ve got a choice in how badly you reek. Either way you are a filthy animal, and there’s no getting around that, but you would smell a whole lot better if you didn’t call him to say hey, or to see how he’s doing. No, no, no! You don’t really care about him. What you care about is whether he validates your assessment of yourself or not by lightening up, forgiving you a smidge—anything, any sign, that tells you you’re not a bad person but a good person who did a bad thing. You are not, you’re a bad person. You need to deal with that and that alone for this whole mess to vanish. For more on that, refer to suggestion #1, Admit it.

So there you have it, budding satans. Six hints to help curb the evil. Only one of them dispels it entirely.  The future is in your hands. Happy marriage—and HAPPY HOLIDAYS! Ho, ho…

…Ho.