This article(Bereavement Magazine, November/December 2003) focuses on suggestions for colleagues and administrators within an educational system who have experienced the death of their child.

Helping your colleagues deal with a tragedy such as this is also vital. I offer a few direct suggestions that became helpful to me during this continual process of grief.

*Again, try to attend the funeral and/or wake as a group or individual. Administrators, make sure you attend the funeral and/or wake. You are the leader and should be there to help direct your staff and demonstrate that you care. Perhaps, a group of teachers could send a memory tree to the bereaved colleague. Living memorials are a lasting way of remembrance and caring.

*Throughout that first year, try to remember to drop a note to your colleague and let him or her know that you are thinking of them. I remember receiving a weekly note in my mailbox from a fellow teacher that entire first year. I can't tell you how much those little notes of "thinking of you" and "take one day at a time" helped me get through each day.

*Never tell the colleague who has lost a child that he or she "should be moving on" or "getting over the grief" at any time of this process. The parent never gets his life back as it once was. Life gets very different for them; it doesn't get better. So think of ways to make life more bearable for this person.

*Grief is very exhausting process. Perhaps, you could plan occasional meals to be delivered to your colleague's house, especially during those first few weeks after the death of the child. Finding ways in which to help relieve the stress outside of the classroom can benefit the grieving teacher immeasurably.

*This is also a time that administrators should consider offering their teachers help in contacting grief support groups. Have a list of resources of local organizations as well as a recommended reading list for such a loss. Let your faculty know that you are there for them in good and in bad times.

*Perhaps, teachers could offer a "mental sick bank" for the bereaved colleague. Being able to leave school early to attend grief counseling session or just going home to grieve is very important during that first year. Colleagues at my school offered this to me and this gesture was a lifesaver on several occasions.

*Don't be afraid that you might upset your colleague by talking about their child or doing something in memory of him or her. You cannot upset this parent any more than he or she has already endured. In fact, on of the greatest fears a parent who has lost a child has is that people will forget their son or daughter. So, talking about their child reinforces their memory and makes that parent feel comfortable in disclosing their feelings.

One last bit of advice I want to make is to the teacher or employee of a school who has experienced the loss of a child. I think it is imperative that you really that you are not alone in your journey of grief and there are a myriad of experiences and emotions that you will face.

*If you think that you do need to take some time off from work, let your principal know. Don't be afraid to ask. Be aware that your grief is very exhausting.

*Don't try to live your child's life vicariously through your students. Sometimes, it is easy to anger quickly at the mistakes of your students, and you may want to use your child's death as an example to motivate others to do better. Though this may be done with the best of intentions, don't be surprised if these emotions backfire and aren't effective.

*Don't be surprised if a colleague says something that hurts you terribly. I believe most people just don't know what to say or do to help. In turn, they often say things that are so untrue , only because they have not experienced the loss of a child. It is very different when talking to other parents who endured a similar tragedy.

*Finding a support group of some kind can be very helpful. Whether is is a group or one individual, such as a grief counselor, consider helping yourself in this way. Also, if you have other children at home, you will need to monitor their progress in the grieving process and be aware that they are experiencing grief in different ways.

*You may have to alter your teaching style in respect to your needs and your students' needs. But in the end, do not shortchange your students in what they need. This will be a time when you may to re-evaluate what you can and cannot do in the way of teaching.

*Try to focus on one day at a time. Grief can make your life spiral out of control, and the ability to focus and organize is difficult. Write things down; keep a journal or a list of things you have done and what you hope to get accomplished.

Keep in mind that these lists of suggestions are endless and need to be individualized. I believe that acting upon any of these ideas, however, is a direct way of teaching respect and understanding. I have been in school where teachers were told not to mention anything about the tragedy, not to let their students discuss their feelings, and to go on with their scheduled lessons. This was decided upon in order to maintain order and normalcy. But when a child's untimely death is experienced, nothing is normal anymore. It is an unnatural process but it is one, unfortunately, that does occur. We cannot bury our heads in the proverbial sand and hope the problem goes away.

Therefore, as educators, we need to broaden our lessons of learning beyond the textbooks and recognize that grief is part of everyone's life learning process. It is times like these that will demand our flexibility, strength, and understanding as a teacher and a friend. We have a lot to learn and a lot to teach about the process of grief. Growth and healing can occur if we first recognize the grief and then act upon it in positive and helpful ways.