The usual snake jokes.

“Hello, this is Saint Patrick. You have reached my office phone number. I regret to say that I am not here right now, but if you leave a message after the tone, I will be happy to respond to your message as soon as a I get around to it. Pleas wait for the tone, and have a truly blessed day.”

BEEEP.

“Hello, Pat, I’m calling from Dublin. Let me say first, thank you very much for driving the snakes out of Ireland. But obviously, there’s still some work to do in this area. I can’t throw a rock in this country without hitting a damned Catholic priest, or a Protestant dominie, or someone like that. Could you come back and finish the job which you so nobly started?”

“Hi Pat, I’m calling from the United States. That was some great work you did in Ireland with the snakes. Could you do something similar in America? I have a copy of the Martindale-Hubbell legal directory, and if you would just get started with the lawyers in that book, then you would be doing a wonderful service to your followers in this country. I can’t promise that it’s going to be pretty. They’ll probably sue you for restraint of trade. But we’re counting on you, Pat, don’t let us down.”

“Hello, Patrick, I’m calling from China. I was talking to the Irish Ambassador recently, and the conversation turned to the holiday they have in your name. If you’re going around driving out snakes, could you stop by China? We have a whole lot of Communists over here, and they’re breeding rapidly. The Communist population cannot be controlled without your help. Please come over as soon as possible. If you can get rid of the Communists for us, then we would be happy to join that religion of yours, whatever you call it."

“Yo, Pat, what’s up. I hesitate to ask a Christian saint for intervention, but this is a matter of no little urgency. Here in Afghanistan, we are plagued by snakes in form of foreigners who seek our liberation. We’ve had this infestation for centuries, but the most alarming form of the infestation started in 1979. Since that time, all sorts of disreputable foreigners have been pouring in here. First there were the Russians, who came to save us from capitalist oppression . Then the damned holy warriors came from Arabia and elsewhere to help us fight the Russians. Then the financial sponsors of these holy warriors had a falling-out with the holy warriors, so now the foreigners are coming to protect us against the holy warriors. And when the foreigners couldn’t come themselves, they provided guns and money to trained mercenary killers among our own people. Each batch of foreigners tells us that they came to save us from the last batch. It’s time that all of them went the hell back where they came from! I’m not asking that you drive the foreigners into the sea, just that you give them all the ‘Czar’s blessing.’ You know, the blessing where they say,

“May God bless and keep the foreigners
Far away from us.”

“Hi, Pat, are you the snake guy? Great, babe, listen, let me pitch this to you. The film industry has fallen under the control of a bunch of sick f___s whose work is either morally retrograde or plain silly. Even the comedies are so sick that even the jokes make you gag. We all know that the industry could do better. Some say that the public is to blame, but in order to test that hypothesis, why not drive out the Tarantinos and all the rest, and see what happens? If the public says it misses those people, then you can confess error and let those people back in. If the public doesn’t miss them, we’re way ahead of the game. By the way, who do you see playing yourself in the movie? I’m thinking maybe Harrison Ford, unless he’ s just stopped doing the action flicks. And, not to pry, but did you have a love interest? We’ll give you one whether it’s historically accurate or not, but I would just like to know. I was thinking Salma Hayek. Unfortunately, she doesn’t want to be in the Saint Patrick picture, that stuck-up little tart. Anyway, I don’t want to give myself a heart condition, but I can certainly work everything out to your satisfaction. Call me.”

“Hi, Patrick, this is Hillary. I was channeling with your spirit recently, and you told me about the snakes. I was fascinated, as I’m sure you recall, and I asked if you could do the same thing with Republicans. You said you’d look into it. Well, I don’t want to rush you, but that chanelling session was several months ago, and I don’t see any Republicans getting driven into the Potomac. You haven’t changed your mind, have you? Have you been letting the Republican lobbyists get to you, with all their talk about Democrats being Godless pagans? I was a leading youth figure in the Episcopelian church, you know. Or maybe that was Methodist. One of those mainline denominations. But like I told the voters of my state, I don’t care for denominational lines, I’ve belonged to all the denominations- Methodist, Catholic, hasid, muslim, you name it. If they can vote, I join them. The higher the denomination, the better, ha ha. But now you’re dragging your heels about those Republicans. You don’t want to endanger my faith, do you?”

“Hi, Pat, this is Jerry Falwell. This great country is crawling with liberals, and I was wondering if you could drive out the liberals like you drove out the snakes? Can’t these liberals have the sense to realize that it’s because of them that God has become so angry against America? If they won’t leave on their own, can’t you exorcise them? They’re the ones responsible for the outbreak of atheism in the U. S. of A. (and to think that they blame *me* for that situation!). Look, could you have a nice chat with God, and point out that I cannot in good conscience ask my followers to send God so much money if God refuses to use that money to fight secularism. I thought me and the Lord had deal here.”

“Hello, ssssaint Patrick, it’s the sssssnakes. Itsssss nicccccce to talk to you again. I hope there are no hard feelingsssssss between us. We called because we’re tired of getting hasssssssssssled. Isn’t is enough that people keep going around bruissssssssing our heads, in accordance with ssssssscripture? Now the humanssssssssssss want to have the privilege of insssssssulting us with the mosssssssst vile epithetssssssssss. They’re comparing us to liberalssssss, conservativessssssss, Communistsssssssss, foreign mercenariesssssssss, and all sssssssortssssss of thingsssssss. Do you think we don’t have feelingsssssss? Even though you drove usssssss out of Ireland, we know that you’re a fair-minder person and would never allow usssssss to be mocked and sssssscorned. So keep killing usssss if that’s what you want, but don’t call us liberalssss or conservativesssss or priestsssss or any other such wordsssss as these.”