Don't believe those who tell you that there are no differences between Republicans and Democrats. Here are some key distinctions.

Some people say that Democrats and Republicans are indistinguishable. This is not so. Democrats and Republicans are different from each other in many important ways.

Democrats will try to steal Presidential elections. However, the Democrats are no good at stealing such elections. The Democrats will be in the bank lobby trying to put on their nylon masks while the Republicans walk out of the building carrying filled-up bags of swag.

Republicans try to get votes from white racists. Democrats are not so disciminatory-they are happy to get votes from *any* kind of racist, whether white, black, or other.

Democrats, called to account for being insensitive to minorities, try to distract attention by riding the bandwagon of some purely symbolic issue (“hate crimes,” Confederate flags, etc.) which has little to do with protecting minorities. Republicans, if they are accused of being insensitive to minority groups, will reply, “damn right we’re insentitive. Thank you for pointing that out-you just got us some extra votes.”

Republicans say you shouldn’t get any special privileges simply because of your family background-unless you’re white. Democrats say that you should enjoy equality of rights under the law-unless you’re white.

You can tell if a Democrat is lying. Just look at his lips and see if they are moving. With Republicans, it’s easier to tell. If a Republican utters a sentence including the words “a,” “and,” or “the,” then the sentence is a lie.

Despite the above, a Republican or a Democrat is probably telling the truth if (s)he says, “[name of member of the opposite party] is a crook and a hypocrite and is unfit to serve in office.” It’s good to have the Republicans and Democrats rooting out each others’ crimes, because *somebody* has to do it. Leaders of the parties frequently issue bipartisan calls for an end to the politics of personal destruction. In other words, we’ll cover up your crimes if you agree to cover up ours. Fortunately, there has not yet been a deal to this effect (so far as I am aware).

Democrats steal from the public treasury on behalf of “the people.” Republicans steal from the treasury on behalf of “free enterprise.”

Republicans and Democrats both say-falsely-that Republicans believe in the free market. Democrats haven’t a clue about the free market-or at least they pretend they don’t (although I am unaware of Democratic investors losing more money than Republicans). Republicans often know about the free market-but on the other hand, Republicans who are knowledgeable about the free market are more likely to go into business than into politics, leaving Republican politics in the control of those who are ignorant about the market.

Both Republicans and Democrats wrap themselves in the flag. Democrats only do this in case of dire necessity-for example, if they need to divert attention from some scandal. Republicans wrap themselves in the flag at every provocation, or even at no provocation. Then they work on trying to get taxes reduced while keeping spending constant or increasing. Patriotic sacrifice!

Republicans will screw you over, throw you a quarter, and tell you to scram. Democrats will screw you over, refuse to give you a tip of any kind, and they will give you, in lieu of a tip, a long and earnest speech about how you would be acting immorally if you used this incident as an excuse to vote Republican.

Democrats lie to feminists, blacks, union workers, and gays. Republicans lie to small business owners and to conservative evangelicals. This is known as “mobilizing the base,” and it takes place during election season. If people who “belong” to the Democratic or Republican “base” start demanding that the party for which they vote should start paying heed to their interests, then the Democrats and Republicans will indignantly reply, “what’s the matter with you people? Don’t you want us to be elected? I can’t believe the selfishness I’m hearing!”

The leaders of the Democratic Party are scalawags, defined as white Southerners with bad suits and worse moral character who betray their Southern heritage by making speeches and proclamations about what a wonderful guy Abraham Lincoln was. Republican leaders, on the other hand, are different because...well, let me get back to you on that one.

Republicans and Democrats both raise money from the same hyper-rich sources. However, the Republicans say the political fundraising system is fine (except for the participation of Democrats in the system). The Democrats say they want to pass “campaign finance reform” so that Democrats will no longer be “forced” to prostitute themselves for money. No offense is intended to the hard-working sex-workers of this country. After all, there are some things that the average prostitute simply will not do (or so I’ve heard). If there are things which politicians are unwilling to do in their quest for money, then these things have yet to be discovered.

Republicans support the right to life from “conception to natural death.” It all depends, however, on what the word “natural” means. “Natural” death has been defined to include death by gunshot, death by economic embargo, death by bombing, or death by being buried alive. In the death penalty context, natural death includes death by needle, death by gas chamber, and death by burning (electrocution). Democrats, like Republicans, believe in the right to life from conception to natural death, but “conception” to a Democrat means “the monent that a fully-developed human baby has been thoroughly removed from his mother’s body, and not an instant sooner.”

Republicans think that the U. S. Constitution was written by Christian Right activists. Democrats think the U. S. Constitution was written by the Iroquois Indians. On one important point, however, the parties are agreed: The Constitution must be ignored in practice and given favorable mention only in strictly limited circumstances.

Democrats think that we aren’t spending enough money on our appallingly destructive and wasteful drug “policy.” Republicans agree. Where to put the extra money is to them the important question. Where the Republicans and the Democrats should put their drug policy is a much more relveant question, but that question probably won’t be asked.

Democrats and Republicans agree that the worst crime imaginable is “hypocrisy.” This word is always trotted out to describe a member of the other party who was caught with his hand in a cookie jar. It is also used to denounce members of the other party who criticize a member of one’s own party who has been caught with his hand in what is probably the very same cookie jar. “The other party says it’s wrong for us to put their hand on the cookie jar, but everybody does it, so why single out just us?”

If the “everybody does it” excuse doesn’t work (and assuming that the denial stage of a scandal has passed), then Democrats and Republicans have different ways of handling scandal. Democrats will start demanding legal reforms to prohibit whatever it was they got caught doing. By inference, it was the absense of such laws, not the bad behavior of the offenders, which led to the scandal in the first place. Thus, once a Democrat is caught with his hand in the cookie jar, the Democrat will start saying, “this is an excellent reason to support my bill to restrict cookie jar access and therefore prevent future scandals.” If, on the other hand, a Republican is caught with his hand in the cookie jar, he will rsort to patriotism and say something like, “I guess that the stress of protecting America from terrorists just got to me. At least I never burned the American flag.”[The second sentence is a paraphrase from Bush the Elder, in the 1988 campaign, discussing Quayle’s draft record]

Democrats and Republicans think that personal responsibility is a good thing if you’re a widow, a deserted woman, or a single mother of any kind and you want to get government money to help you stay at home and take care of the children (what used to be called a mother’s pension, but is now called AFDC). Republicans and Democrats alike insist that strict personal responsibility should be enforced against the mother and against her innocent children as well. Outside the context of mothers’ pensions, however, Democrats and Republicans have divergent attitudes toward individual moral responsibility and the need to wean citizens off of welfare. Republicans think that people who contribute to Republican campaings should be exempt from personal responsibility and entitled to get money from the government. Democrats think the same about Democratic contributors.

If I have missed any important differences, please let me know.