What Not to Say to One’s Child

1. “I told you so.” According to Dr. Brazelton, children naturally feel vulnerable when they make mistakes; and if you respond by saying, “I told you so,” that vulnerability turns into defiance because children want to protect themselves from not only your anger but also their own feelings of inadequacy. What was initially an act of independence becomes shrouded in failure and incompetence.

A better response, as Dr. Brazelton maintains, is to say something like “You tried it your way, and it didn’t work, did it? I’m sorry, but that’s the same way I had to learn. It’s not a major tragedy so don’t feel defeated. You’ll have other chances.”

2. “When I was your age.” This particular statement can be used in either a negative or a positive way. According to Dr. Brazelton, in the detrimental sense, it can convey that you were far more advanced at your child’s age, a regular child protégée, yet it isn’t going to work, given that part of being a child is the process of developing one’s own sense of being a separate being with feelings that are uniquely your own. Subsequently, children perceive such a putdown as a devaluation of that uniqueness.  

Used in an affirmative manner, the statement can be an avenue by which you share your own childhood mistakes and the lessons you learned as a result of those mistakes. Dr. Brazelton says this is good because “by exposing your own past vulnerabilities, you create a bond that helps [your child] feel less guilty and alone.”

3. “Because I say so.” This is a statement uttered in sheer desperation after you have failed to convince your child through discussion, reason, or even coercion. The problem is that you have now assumed the role of dictator, and Dr. Brazelton points out that children react to such tyranny with resistance, and even if they eventually concede, they will more than likely find a way to retaliate. His advice is if you cannot provide a good reason to support your demand then say so. Tell children that, though they may not see the importance of your demand for them to do a certain thing or to behave in a certain manner, it is, nevertheless, important and they must trust your judgment. Moreover, like it or not, they simply have to abide by your decision. In this manner, according to Brazelton, you are recognizing the child’s resistance but, at the same time, emphasizing the importance of compliance.

4. “Why can’t you be like your sister or brother? Brazelton argues that this is a “devastating remark” for children to hear coming from the mouths of their parents. On one hand, you are conveying the message that you don’t like the person your child is and, on the other, that you want him or her to be like someone else. As a result, your child “feels degraded, useless, even hopeless,” as well as unloved. Moreover, oftentimes, children come to resent or even to hate their “more perfect” siblings.

So instead of saying such a terrible thing to your children, tell them that you genuinely appreciate their uniqueness. Point out their separate talents and abilities. Praise their individuality.

5. “If you don’t behave—don’t’ come when I tell you to—don’t eat your veggies—I’m leaving you here.” Another no-no. Are you really going to desert your child and abandon him or her in the middle of the local mall, at a restaurant, or in the produce section of Winn Dixie? One of a child’s most terrifying scenarios is that of you leaving him or her completely alone. Then again, as Dr. Brazelton says, perhaps your child has heard this threat so often that it now falls on deaf ears. Besides, if you clash with a child in a public place, who usually wins?

The best response is disruptive behavior in public is to remove children physically by either picking them up or taking them by the arm. Take them outside and talk with them about their behavior. Tell them it was unacceptable and why. This way, as Brazelton maintains, children learn not only that the behavior will not be tolerated but also why it’s unacceptable. Do not be one of those ineffective parents who allows a child to caterwaul and pitch tantrums in public. It really makes the other shoppers or diners wonder just who is in control in your home. Plus, it’s downright irritating. Set some ground rules and abide by them.

6. “How could you be so stupid?” Obviously, another no-no. As Brazelton says, “Such a statement burdens [children] with a label [they] will carry a long time.” And their response is either to fight back by repeating their “stupidity” or by trying to show you just how wrong you were. Plus, just think about it. If someone has ever called you “stupid,” how did it make you feel? Well, magnify that a hundred times over for a child.

7. “Shut up.” The next time you overhear someone say this to a child, watch that child’s face and body language. According to Dr. Brazelton, you might as well slap a child in the face; it’s that wounding and that emotionally damaging. It can also cause children to become defiant, as well as justifiably angry. A more effective way to handle disagreements or to nip escalating arguments in the bud, so to speak, is to “shut up, yourself.” Be patient, bite the bullet, and wait out the child. Dr. Brazelton rightly says that the tantrum will pass, and when it does, “take [your child] in your arms and say, “I wish we could always agree, but we can’t. I like your spirit, but I don’t like what you’re saying and I don’t like these violent outbursts. Can you give me any ideas about how to avoid them?”

8. “You’ll never get anywhere in life.” Another no-no that is totally devastating to children since it both destroys their self-image and also results in their either accepting this harsh dictate and feeling sorry for themselves and hopeless to change, or in going on the attack and returning the verbal abuse. You are, in fact, “forcing your child against a wall” because you have effectively demonstrated a lack of faith in his or her abilities, and the result may well be not what you hope for but an increase in disappointing behavior, in other words, an I’ll-show-you response.

If you ever do lash out your children in this manner, Dr. Brazelton suggests that you sit down with them, apologize, and let them express how they felt when you reacted so cruelly.

9. “I want you kids to stop fighting.” All brothers and sisters fight. It’s part of growing up. It’s also part of the learning process. Dr. Brazelton says,  “In order to become close, they [children] must test each other in every possible way, including physically.” Moreover, Dr. Brazelton maintains that siblings never really hurt one another, that is, “unless an adult is nearby” because “one of their goals is to get a parent involved,” and when children succeed, the dangers of sibling rivalry are significantly multiplied.

As a result, Brazelton suggests that parents should stay out of their children’s battles, if at all possible. But when you do have to intervene, tell the children that they are getting too angry and mean. Also point out that you cannot help them if they are going to act in such a manner; moreover, it is their responsibility to work things out with one another. Yet, Dr. Brazelton adds that, if the fighting continues, you should hold a family conference and allow each person to air his or her complaints. However, agree before hand on certain limits and how you are going to enforce those limits. This way, you are giving some of the responsibility back to your children.

Three Good Things You Can Say to Your Child

1.      “How do you feel about it?” Explain that you’ve already expressed your own views on the problem and would now like to have some feedback. Ask the child to share his or her feelings in order to help you understand.

2.      “In our family, we try to—apologize when we make a mistake—tell the truth even when it’s hard to do—share our problems with each other.” Your children must have some grasp of your personal values for both them and yourself. Explain why these attitudes and beliefs are important and why every family member must follow them. Show by example.

3.      “I’m concerned about the rude and defiant way you’ve been acting lately—and I know you are too.” Explain that you will work with them to find a way to stop undesirable behavior, tell them why such behavior is unacceptable, and ask your children to share their own ideas about why the problem is occurring and how it should be addressed. Next, really listen to them and agree to try any solutions that are reasonable. According to Dr. Brazelton, this approach not only demonstrates that you value your children, it also enhances their self-esteem; and, ultimately, when children are confident in their parents’ love and their own self-worth, they learn to be responsible for their own behavior; which, after all, is the true goal of parenting.