This is just something for me...to help me heal.

Scary Ramblings of a Linnie






I wonder what it would be like to run my hands over you. To feel the rough skin of your cheek, to run my fingers over the soft skin of your lips. I wonder what your strength feels like. Could I allow someone to be the "strong one"? Would I be able to give up control? Would I be diminished by your strength? I've fought so hard and so long for the control. I don't know if I could give it up. And I'm not even sure I could relinquish my hold on control long enough to find out if I could give it up. I'd like to try, yet the fear of the unknown knows no boundaries. The limit, that in itself, puts upon me is staggering.

You are a series of angles, contours. When I am around you, my tongue wraps around my teeth and I couldn't say a coherent sentence if I tried. When you speak of taboo subjects, I want to crawl into a hole. Why, perhaps because I could think of doing those very things that make me turn fifteen shades of red with you in a heartbeat. Less than a heartbeat, even. You turn my world upside-down, then right-side up again.

I've had so much time to think about the way you make me feel, about how I feel. You are quite perfectly, my friend. You counsel others to be the very best they can be. In that, I am very impressed. You live, and enjoy your life. At least, that is the impression you give me. I wish I could love you, even if it were just once. Would that be enough? I'm not sure. I doubt it.

I feel as though my whole life is a farce, a comical satire on a stage set for nonsense. And I, just an actor upon a stage. A badly writ play. The anger I feel is almost comical. The dramas, as they play themselves out, are never-ending. I want you to fold me into your arms, and protect me forever. Do I want that? No of course not, yet a part of me yearns for you to do just that. To hell with the consequences...to hell with RIGHT or WRONG. Just feel. Would you be brave enough to love me as I am? No, my dear, not even you could do that. And why on earth should you? When I cannot even do that for myself. Accepting me for what I am, that is.

Sometimes, I wonder if the rage I feel, will ever go away. My guess, is probably NOT! Why? Why should it? Why shouldn't it???? I am not who you see. The pain that I hold dear to me, for it is all that I know. The yearning for love, acceptance, the want of family, those needs are as much a part of me as the blue of my eyes. They never go away, they can never be met. It will never change.

Will I forever roam the earth in search of the unattainable? Will I forever yearn for a true soul-mate because fear overwhelms me and I cannot wait long enough to find it? Will I be reborn to feel this pain over and over again? How very selfish of me, how very unlikely.

I want to say, "Father, forgive me for I have sinned." Yet, I know as sure as I breathe I will continue the sinning. The want I feel for you, reflects in the depths of my eyes. And that is a sin, because I am married.

Happiness eludes me, like a curse.