One more time is a therapeutic essay. It is what I am not strong enough to say. I can put into words on here that which I need, but am unable to cause unnecessary pain.

How many one more times do you need? How many do I need to give? When will I be strong enough to say ENOUGH IS ENOUGH? I’m just beginning to like me for who I am. All of my faults are still right there. I am learning to see around them. Why can’t I just say to Hell with everything and start all over again?

Why do I fear that which I do not know? How can I make you see, that you were not meant for me? That we hurt each other with the words we say, that we slash and cut through each other as though we each had a machete. At least that death would be quicker, probably far less painful also.

You’ve had 12 years of my life, and in those 12 years, I could count on one hand the number of good times we’ve had. You treat me so well for such a short but sweet time. Yet I know, as you do, that it will always go back to you hurting me. Why can’t I just say goodbye and forget?

I am being reborn out of my fiery hell. I am funny and charming; I have such a quick wit. I love and I laugh with my friends at my side. I come home and I’m somber, there’s no life in me. Let me GO!

Your pain is evident in everything you say and do. It cuts me to the quick to know I am the cause of it. When have you ever cared about the pain you’ve caused me? When you have ever thought about the tears you have made fall? When will you consider us done? When I’m broken and have nothing more to give anyone?

I cannot do this, can’t you see? I cannot forsake even one more day of my life. I need to feel and love and live. I need to be me. You cannot accept me for who I am. You hate my friends, you reject who I love. You cannot even love your children without strings attached. How can you look in the mirror day after day, knowing you destroyed something pure and true ?

I sacrifice myself, I tell myself for the kids. Yet the fear of our daughter marrying someone like you turns me inside out. The fear of our son becoming YOU makes my heart freeze and my breath catch.

Let me go, let me be free. Let those bonds that hold us cease to exist. Let me become who I am meant to be. Quit being selfish, quit holding on. You never appreciated who I was, so why do you want to stay?

You stay for the same reason I did. You fear the unknown. Now I am ready to grasp it with both hands and not let go. Someday I hope that we will be better friends than we were partners. Someday I hope you will find what you need. I just have accepted that it will not be me for I can not give it.