It’s a brainwave.  No, it’s an inspiration.  No, it’s more: it’s a revelation.  And now, having received this great revelation, and having fully understood its complete spiritual, quasi-divine ramifications, I have to pass it on to you, my dear, dear, readers who, I understand, are dutifully and with bated breath, waiting anxiously for more of my inspired utterances.

Therefore and without further ado, let me go on with the story.

I had a dream!  Yes, a dream, a dream beyond all dreams and in that dream I was taught about permanent, guaranteed health and well-being in the midst of all that hell-creating nefarious chemical factory called civilization.  The dream or vision, came from an impeccable source: A tall, black mantled and hooded figure stood imposingly at the foot of my bed – no simple feat since the foot of my bed is against the wall – and it said in all gravity: I Am Sirius.  Seriously, who would joke about something like that?  You can’t make this stuff up.

So now, listen very carefully:  I found it.  I have it: the fountain of youth no less.  And it’s so simple you won’t believe it. 

How to proceed:

Step one, preamble: we all know how all the food we eat is now tainted with death-dealing chemicals.  We all know that our meat comes from the most inhumane and horrible treatment of animals on “death farms” as I call them.  But there’s more, for you (me) smug vegetarians: we all know how much our parsnips and cabbages and lettuces and celeries suffer at our hands when we rip them out of their mother earth and cut them up while still alive.  How we beat our beets to get the dirt off, and choke our artichokes with oil and vinegar sauces.  Oh, we know, don’t we, but we choose to ignore it because we don’t know there is any alternative.

Step two, preamble:  we all know how our air is laced with chemicals, from fuel exhaust to sprays of insecticides and herbicides to chemtrails to coal dust to radiation.  There’s nary a breath of truly fresh air left on the entire surface of the planet.  But we continue to breathe this nefarious mixture of inorganic noxious gasses because we know of no other alternative.

Step three, preamble:  we all know how our waters are totally polluted with runoffs from chemically-laden and poisoned fields and orchards, from storm sewers, from industrial effluents, from runoffs of ubiquitous landfills.  There is no truly clean, fresh, life-giving water left anywhere.  We’re all being held hostage in a chemical swamp and if Flint is any example and lesson, we know we can’t trust our local water suppliers to ensure our water is properly filtered and tested.  Yet we use it, we even ingest it, because we know of no better alternative and we’ve come to realize we can’t just drink beer.  As pleasant as that is, it’s too expensive and little kids don’t much care for it.

I don’t want to drag this out much longer; the suspense is killing you I know, and killing you wasn’t my intent, quite the contrary.  You’ve suffered enough waiting for the other shoe to drop, the bomb to go off, the smoking gun to appear out of the hat.

Here it is: 

As regards to food: stop eating it. 

As regards to the air: stop breathing it. 

That’s it.  I told you it was a truly simple solution. 

Taking a deep breath now, I realize I’m hungry.  I’m going to go upstairs, make a sandwich and have a nice satisfying ice-cold drink of water from the fridge.  Then I’m going to lie down, cross my arms over my breast and wait for death.