I wonder how many people on this world reach a point of total exhaustion from all the spinning around; all the questioning; all the struggling; all the spending; even all the merry making. How many wish to stop in the middle of the madness and ask: Why?
Why am I doing this? I've done this over and over. What's the point?
It would seem there does not need to be a point. Life on earth is like riding the escalator. If you are on the up side, you move up and if on the down side, you move down -- just like everybody else around you. No point - it's just the escalator doing its thing and you're on it.
It's not so easy to get off the earth escalator, is it. Even if you stop, you still move, up or down, and so does everything else around you. You feel helpless to do anything about it. It's enough to make one have flying dreams. To see oneself off the escalator, looking down but no longer bound to its trajectory.
There must come a time when one says, "Enough already!" In "real" time, we don't ride escalators just for the fun of it, nor do we remain on them. We use them to get between floors, between "dimensions", and each floor has something different to offer. On earth, it's just one floor and two escalators, one really narrow one that takes you up you don't know where and that's scary so very few take it, and a really wide one that moves down into the darkness - only most riders don't see that as darkness - they just think it's the good life club or the bargain basement. Only its just more darkness. That's the Matrix.
Today I realize more than at any other time that I'm tired of the escalator. Of the pointlessness of it all. The quest for things that die. The quest to satisfy a body that can't even keep itself going - to keep a defective piece of equipment functioning long past its shelf-life.
I want off. I don't think that even the upward moving one will take me where I want to go (and do I really know where that is?). I don't trust escalators - somehow they're too easy. Today, there's a part of me that wants wings, the power to go wherever I wish without dependency to pre-established paths. That really wants to fly!
There is a growing consensus among Earthians that you can "intent" things; that you can attract things to yourself by thinking positively about them. Some kind of "attraction" energy. I wish that were true of all things, not just personal ones! I have spent a lifetime in "intent" to bring about good things for earth. I didn't want them for me, but for the world.
Intent must be a weak force: what I intended for others, I got for me instead. I don't see a lot of it having gone out into the world to make it a better place. So now, having received all the good things I didn't even want - and certainly didn't need - things I intended for "YOU" to have, I have nothing left to do here.
Ah yes, there is one thing left I'd fall for today (I must be soft in the head - but that's the problem with desire) -- I want someone, OK, let's admit it, I want "God" to come to me and say, "I love you and I'll take care of everything from now on," and I want to just give up and reply: "I'm yours, no reservation." I would utter Chief Joseph's famous words: "I shall fight no more forever."
Can I do that? After all I've done? All I've stated regarding my distrust of God? All my anger at global injustice that I blamed on Him and still rages on? I've trusted Him to be with me and gave Him my entire life on two occasions... and He abandoned me when I needed Him most.
Can I fall for that again? Has He changed, or have I?
(NOTE: When I say "YOU" below, I mean the world, not an individual person.)
Was it Him who created the escalator in the first place? You'll say to me, "Yeah, well ask Him, don't ask us." But I think that God's "voice" is humanity. "YOU" speak for God. I don't care about the feel good stuff you say about Him, but YOU are God for me.
The only way I'll ever really see God is by looking at YOU. The only way I'll ever know God is by observing YOU. Can I trust YOU? Can I give myself to YOU? If I come to you as just another nameless and faceless of the tens of thousands you kill each day, how much compassion can I expect from YOU? Better yet, if I come from the "wrong" part of the world, or if I wear the "wrong" type of dress, or the "wrong" skin colour, or speak the "wrong" language, will you seem me as just another YOU?
I think I know the answer. And that is why I'm tired. Why I think more and more about a home that is far, far away from "YOU."
