Apt and timely humor sent to me from an American friend...
RUMBLE IN THE SKY
If you hear a "loud rumble" tonight in the sky, don't worry. It's not thunder. It's Elvis beating' the crap out of Michael Jackson for marrying his daughter!
WHAT IS AN ECONOMIC STIMULUS PAYMENT?
(This is from a Southern Economist, I believe)
Q. What is an Economic Stimulus payment? A. It is money that the federal government will send to taxpayers.
Q. Where will the government get this money? A. From taxpayers.
Q. So the government is giving me back my own money? A. Only a smidgen.
Q. What is the purpose of this payment? A. The plan is for you to use the money to purchase a high- definition TV set, thus stimulating the economy.
Q. But isn't that stimulating the economy of China ? A. Shut up.
Below is some helpful advice on how to best help the US economy by spending your stimulus check wisely:
A. If you spend the stimulus money at Wal-Mart, the money will go to China . B. If you spend it on gasoline, your money will go to the Arabs. C. If you purchase a computer, it will go to India . D. If you purchase fruit and vegetables, it will go to Mexico, Honduras and Guatemala . E. If you buy a car, it will go to Japan or Korea. F. If you purchase useless stuff, it will go to Taiwan G. If you pay your credit cards off, or buy stock, it will go to management bonuses and they will hide it offshore.
Instead, keep the money in America by:
1 spending it at yard sales, or 2 going to ball games, or 3 spending it on prostitutes, or 4 beer or 5 tattoos.
(These are the only American businesses still operating in the US .)
Conclusion:
Go to a ball game with a tattooed prostitute that you met at a yard sale and drink beer all day.
Some people see their glass as half empty. Some people see their glass as half full. I just wonder, who the heck has been drinking my beer?!
Late one night at the insane asylum one inmate shouted, "I am Napoleon!" Another one said, "How do you know?" The first inmate said, "God told me!" A voice from another room shouted, "I did NOT!"
PROUD TO BE FROM ARKANSAS
After having dug to a depth of 10 feet last year, New York scientists found traces of copper wire dating back 100 years and came to the conclusion, that their ancestors already had a telephone network more than 100 years ago.
Not to be outdone by the New Yorkers, in the weeks that followed, a California archaeologist dug to a depth of 20 feet, and shortly after, a story in the LA Times read: ' California archaeologists, finding traces of 200 year old copper wire, have concluded that their ancestors already had an advanced high-tech communications network a hundred years earlier than the New Yorkers.'
One week later, The Beebe News, a local newspaper in Beebe, Arkansas reported the following: After digging as deep as 30 feet in his pasture near Ward, Arkansas, Cecil Balis, a self-taught archaeologist reported that he found absolutely nothing. He has therefore concluded that 300 years ago, Arkansas had already gone wireless!!!
