Apatheia (απάθεια) is a Stoic concept represented by a Greek word meaning "without passion". The English word "apathy" is derived from the Greek word "apatheia" but it doesn't mean exactly the same thing. The word "apatheia" would be more accurately translated as "equanimity" than as "indifference", and in Stoic philosophy it refers to a state of mind where one is not disturbed by passions. Stoics believe in seeking freedom from all passions. This involves an attempt to eradicate the tendency to react emotionally to external events, and implies learning to accept things which are beyond our control. The whole point of this is to reduce suffering, for much of our suffering is the result of our emotional reactions to events rather than the events themselves. There is some similarity between this philosophy and the Buddhist concept of "freedom from attachment". The idea of "apatheia" also resembles the concept of "serenity" that is mentioned in "The Serenity Prayer", which I believe contains a great deal of wisdom:
God grant me the serenity
to accept the things I cannot change;
the courage to change the things I can;
and the wisdom to know the difference.
"Vita pergit. Accipere res ut sunt." is sort of a motto I came up with which is compatible with the Stoic concept of apatheia. It's Latin for: "Life goes on. Accept things as they are." One thing I've learned from life is that there are a lot of things beyond my control, and all I can do is learn to accept them.
I am an extremely introverted individual who spends a considerable amount of time alone (wandering in nearby forests and in the prairies of central Nebraska; sitting under the cottonwood trees up at Standing Bear Lake) trying to understand myself, reflecting upon the circumstances of my life, and reevaluating the things I've come to believe. There are certain subjects that I always come back to; specific questions and problems that I'm continually reconsidering, like the question of the existence of God, and the problem of unfulfilled desires and how they affect our happiness. Sometimes my rethinking of a question simply reinforces my previous conclusions. At other times I end up finding it necessary to modify my core beliefs. Often, my thoughts on these subjects end up being reflected in my poetry and other writings that I post here. (I admit that some of my poetry isn't so easy to understand. Sometimes I wonder if anyone gets it.) The remainder of this topic will be devoted to explaining some of my core beliefs and conclusions, and highlighting excerpts from my poetry which were intended to reveal the things I believe. I believe you'll find that after going down a couple of false paths (Christianity and Buddhism) my philosophy of life ended up being a curious mixture of Epicureanism and Stoicism.
About God:
So many around me believe the nonsense
they've handed down through generations.
But not me - I'm far too rational.
I care more for Truth than pacification.
And I've got my logical argument,
my simple proof that tells me so:
"If there really was a God in Heaven,
then He would have let Me know."
(I have no hope of convincing others,
but it's enough for me. I know.)
I've given the matter a lot of thought over the years and I've repeatedly come to the same conclusion: There is no evidence to support the idea that a god exists, and no valid reason to believe that one does. I find it extremely unlikely that an intelligent creator who wishes us to be aware of its existence actually exists, and I perceive all god-myths that have been passed down from primitive cultures to be equally incredible and ridiculous. I also believe that moral systems based on ancient texts and the will of imaginary beings do a great deal of harm. Unfortunately, many of my friends and loved ones have been deceived by a brainwashing cult (as I once was) into believing something that doesn't really make sense, and there's nothing I can do but accept that it is so.
So many dazzling colours,
wonders by the score.
And fears and horrors too,
enough to chill us to the core.
It's no wonder that our ancestors
invented beings to adore,
and dreamed of everlasting life.
It is our nature to want more.
The ancient Greeks and Romans made up stories.
The Hindus and the Norse made up some too.
Of gods and goddesses, heavens and hells,
to explain where we came from and where we're going.
Nowadays those stories seem mighty silly
and there aren't many who take them seriously.
But are the myths of the Hebrews any different?
Are their stories any less incredible?
Do you honestly believe that they're true ?
There're some who still believe those old stories
and some who think they know what God wants.
Some are carryin' signs screaming "God Hates Fags!"
because, of course, the Bible tells them so.
And others fly airplanes into buildings
filled with people who believe differently than they,
believing they're doing what God wants them to.
Of course, not all who accept those old stories
believe in hating those different from them.
In fact, many are pretty good people
who truly want to do what is right.
But they're all letting others think for them,
every believer in some Holy Book.
And they're all taught to follow their leaders,
whether saints or madmen or crooks.
And they all suspend reason to put faith in things
they're convinced and they wish to be true .
And they're following a path that doesn't lead to the truth
about the right and the wrong things to do.
έρως: El uno sueño que importa.
λαχτάρα: Il cuore vuole ciò che vuole.
Love: The one dream that matters.
Desire: The heart wants what it wants.
Sometimes my desperation is not so quiet.
Sometimes my desire is too strong.
The heart wants what it wants, but I know what I have.
I know I'd rather be with her.
Human beings are wanting machines. We can never have everything we want because no matter what we have, we always want more. So, if we let our happiness be dependent on getting everything we want, we will never be happy.
Beauty, romance, passion, love.
All of these things.
All these things the heart wants.
The heart wants.
He was married to a beautiful woman
and he brought her flowers and such,
and she was very happy to get them
and she loved him very much.
He had always been a man of passion
and his heart was filled with desire,
and though she'd always really loved him
she didn't always feel the fire.
So he dreamed of finding someone
who would love him like he loved her.
Though he knew he could never betray her
he sometimes wasn't so sure.
He had always tried to do the right thing
but his heart was never too pure.
He couldn't have what he wanted.
He was the man who wanted too much.
Life is all about
learning to settle
for less than what we want.
As a general rule
dreams do not come true
and fantasies only serve to torment.
We'd be so much better off
if we could only learn not to want.
But it's so hard - so very hard.
It goes against our nature.
We are wanting machines
from the day we're born
until the day we die.
No matter what we have
we always want more.
But then there are other times when I remember
that no one gets everything they want,
and I realize just how lucky I am
to have the things that I have.
There's a lot of lonely people in the world;
People who've lost the ones that they loved;
People who don't have anybody.
And sometimes I feel so damned lucky
that I almost feel ashamed.
There's only one dream that matters.
There's only one thing that counts.
There's only one dream that matters.
There's only one thing.
There are many things that I desperately want.
There are many things that I already have.
How happy I am, at any given moment,
depends on which I'm focusing on.
The Problem with Wanting
Are people unhappy because they cannot have what they want,
or because they want what they cannot have?
Vedana paccaya tanha;
Vedana-nirodha tanha-nirodho;
Tanha-nirodha dukkha-nirodho.
Sensations give rise to craving.
If sensations cease, craving ceases.
When craving ceases, suffering ceases.
Many years ago I began to recognize the problem of Taṇhā (craving), and the effect that unfulfilled desires have on our happiness. I wrote several poems about "the problem of wanting", and at some point I stumbled upon the Buddhist chant printed above. For some time I believed that I had found the answer, especially the part that says: "When craving ceases, suffering ceases." All I had to do was learn to stop wanting. But, that turned out to be a false path. I discovered that it's not so easy to stop wanting. I eventually came to the following conclusion: The heart wants what it wants. (We have no control over what we desire.) It was then I realized that the only way to stop wanting was to embrace oblivion. Notice what the rest of that Buddhist chant says: "Sensations give rise to craving. If sensations cease, craving ceases." Now, the Buddhists have some definite ideas on how to go about embracing oblivion, but in our society the most common methods are escapist techniques such as alcohol and drugs. I referred to these methods in several of my poems as "The Waters of Lethe". (Lethe is the river of forgetfulness in Hades, and the Greek word "lethe" may be translated as "oblivion".) I eventually came to realize that this answer was not for me.
Sensations lead to wanting
and wanting leads to suffering.
The only way to find peace,
the only way to reach our quiet place:
Is to dull our senses.
To confound consciousness.
To embrace oblivion.
When I sleep without dreams
I'll no longer pine for Eden.
I've been thinking a lot lately about the problem of wanting.
I'm convinced that self control is the right answer, and
the acceptance of the fact that we simply cannot have
everything we want.
Yet I still struggle with disappointment and frustration.
I am haunted by desires that are never satisfied.
I try very hard not to want but I'm often unsuccessful.
Sometimes it seems that oblivion is the only answer;
that to stop the wanting I must make myself numb.
Alcohol can be a path to oblivion, but it also
takes away self control and inhibition.
You have to drink enough to not care anymore.
You have to achieve apathy.
Apatheia, Serenity, Oblivion, the perfect pathways to peace.
The one way to avoid disappointment: to learn to accept despair.
But it's a short walk from Apatheia to Apathy, a well-worn path from Serenity to Oblivion,
and like the temporal dimension, that path only flows in one direction:
toward the one ultimate oblivion, away from the struggles and pleasures of life.
So, as you consider the pleasures of life, remember that struggle is part of the deal.
And take care when you find yourself longing for oblivion.
The Waters of Lethe are reserved for the dead.
Throughout this website, I've deliberately made it unclear which parts are autobiographical and which
are fiction. But, by using this mixture of autobiography and fiction, I believe I've told the story of my life.
All these stories I have written. The story of my life that I have told here.
The reason they're a mixture of autobiography and fiction is they are not just about me.
They are about all of the people like me. Thousands of people who are lonely like I am.
The mass of men who lead lives of quiet desperation. I am just one example.
It was never about making the details of my own life public.
The point was to write things that others could identify with.
I have mostly written about desire and despair, resignation and isolation,
inner conflicts and nostalgia, for people like myself:
The mass of men who lead lives of quiet desperation.
There are three quotations you will find here more than any others.
They explain a great majority of what I've written.
From Henry David Thoreau's "Walden":
The mass of men lead lives of quiet desperation.
What is called resignation is confirmed desperation.
From Leonard Cohen's "Bird On A Wire":
I saw a beggar leaning on his wooden crutch.
He said to me, "You must not ask for so much."
Then a pretty woman leaning in her darkened door.
She cried to me, "Hey! Why not ask for more?"
My favorite poem by Emily Dickinson:
The heart asks pleasure first,
And then, excuse from pain;
And then, those little anodynes
That deaden suffering,
And then, to go to sleep;
And then, if it should be
The will of its Inquisitor,
The liberty to die.
There are certain Serious Subjects and Taboo Topics 🐘
(elephants in the room) that I've often written about. 📝
Some people may be shocked by my commentary
on these subjects:
Desire / The Problem of Wanting
Despair / Resignation
Loneliness / Isolation
Inner Conflicts 🤡|🧙🏻♂️
Sexual Frustration
Nostalgia
Alcohol
Infidelity
Suicide
Death💀
Religion
People might also be shocked if they happen to find
the end of my story.📘 It's a bit difficult to understand.
(I'm not sure I understand it completely myself.)