The Good Wife's Guide

Rewritten in the Millennium Century year of 2005 by Yvonne M. Prince (Ladiprince.aol.com)

Have dinner ready. Be sure he has good, easy to follow directions to the quality restaurants that deliver curbside. This way when he arrives home he'll have exactly what he wants for dinner and it will be ready when he arrives and you get fed too. You can be a dear and call in the order. We know how he doesn't like to do that.

· Prepare yourself…a good cocktail will work.

· Be a little gay (we now know this means happy) The cocktail will relax you and you'll appear to be happy when he arrives

· Clear away clutter today this means turn the computer off and the tv on and kick stuff out of the way to make a straight path to the tv. That's all he'll notice.

· Gather up schoolbooks…dust over the tables. Clearing the table off is a nice touch for that special meal he's bringing home. Put everything on the chair you don't use or in the clothes dryer (be sure to empty onto the top of the dryer when you decide to use it).

· Over the cooler months…. turn the heat up a little and give him brandy in his coffee…after you've made yours. It's nice to share.

· Prepare the children. At least try to know where they are. Someone has to take out tonight's dinner containers. Minimise all noise…let them eat in their rooms.

· Be happy to see him.. This may take several cocktails.

· Greet him with a warm smile and show sincerity in your desire to please him….more cocktails.

· Listen to him. This should be getting easy now after several cocktails.

· Make the evening his. …never complain if he comes home late…try to understand his world of strain..blah blah blah It's already his; he's coming home with a great dinner and if he's late make sure he knows how to use the microwave to reheat; if he really comes home late and without dinner have your dinner delivered and eat without him (just be sure he pays for your dinner when he does get home). No need to try to understand his world of strain, you were out there all day too.

· Your goal: peace, order and tranquility…. Wouldn't we all like that? Keep the kids in their rooms, hire a cleaning service and those cocktails are making everything tranquil. If you meet these for yourself then he will be able to renew himself in body and soul too. If it works for you, it'll work for him.

· Don't greet him with complaints and problems. Now that you have eliminated your need to talk to him then peace and tranquility are still working. Just email him your complaints and problems and he can deal with them at work tomorrow.

· Don't complain if he's late for dinner (we've already gone over this) or even stays out all night. Hell, no, this is not "minor". If you come home then he'd better come home. If you have to deal with the kids and everything at home then he does too. If he continues staying out all night then just smile (keep him off guard) and let your lawyer take care of him! (This is 2005 ladies)

· Make him comfortable. Be sure to let him know where the remotes are. It may not work but you can tell the kids, dogs and cats that they are in his favorite chair (you tried) as you settle into your chair.

· Arrange his pillow and offer to take off his shoes. Speak in a low, soothing and pleasant voice. As the cocktails really kick in; toss his pillow to him, tell him to be sure he takes his shoes off at the door and your voice is already low, soothing and pleasant (alcohol can do that).

· Don't ask him questions about his actions…blah, blah, blah. Remember he is the master of the house ….You have no right to question him..more blah, blah. Welcome to the Millennium. You do not need to ask anything; that's what GPS, micro transmitters and hidden cams are for away from home. As for master of the house; how can you forget as he reminds you constantly. Smile sweetly and say "Yes dear" then go about your business.

· A good wife always knows her place. And, she will be the one to decide where that is. This is no missionary position society we are in anymore.