Why I'm not searching my daughter

Now that my daughter is twenty-one, I am being asked more often if I will search for her. Since I'm on dialysis and don't know how long I will survive on it, the thought had occurred to me that maybe I should start looking for her.

But part of the reason I gave Julia up is so that she could have a better future, with two parents and a stable home-life. True, I don't have a whole lot of time left, but I don't think I have the right to invade my daughter's life just because I have an illness. What if I'm disrupting a happy life? Wouldn't that negate any good deed I've done by giving her up for adoption? I guess to me, it seems like looking for her would be imposing my will on her and her family.

The other thought I had about this is the fact that she is now twenty-one and has not contacted me. I think if she really wanted to find me, she would have already done it. My name and information is on every Adoptees and Birthparents website that I could find. Wherever she looks, she will see it.

In a way, if Julia never contacts me, that will be a good thing, too, because it will mean that she had no sense of missing something in her life. It will mean that her adoptive family is her own family, and there is no need for her to go in search of her biological mother.

If Julia does contact me, one of the fears I have is that I won't know how to act around her. I can't act like a mother, because I never had any other children and I don't know the first thing about being a Mom. All I can really be to Julia is a good friend. She already has a mother. I have no wish to take her place.

So even though I could press the issue because I'm a dialysis patient and will have a shortened lifespan, I don't think I will do it. The thought of a reunion with my daughter has gotten me through many tough times at dialysis, and there were times that I wanted to quit treatment but didn't because I worried about how Julia would feel if she searched for me and found out that I had stopped dialysis and died just before she found me. She gave me hope for the future, but now I have to face the fact that she might not need to see me again.

Julia's birthday is May 6, doubly sad because it is so close to Mother's Day. Each year, when my mother is opening her card, I will be trying to forget what day it is, and the fact that if things had been different 21 years ago, I would be opening a card Julia bought for me.

The song "Forever Young" by Rod Stewart always reminds me of my daughter, because the last time I saw Julia she was just a week old. All I can be sure of is that she has red hair just like me.

So, wherever you are Julia, it's up to you. Even if I never see you again, you are still my daughter.