Four years of research at a dialysis unit yields this analysis of the different types of nurses

After four years at my dialysis clinic, I discovered that there were eight different types of nurses. They are:

#1 The Brute

Puts his/her weight behind the needle. "Advances" the needle
directly into your spleen. Feels the need to teach your graft a
lesson, because he/she is always chooses the trouble spots. Ignores
patient discomfort that warns of infiltration, because "We HAVE to
get these needles in!" By the time you're hooked up, you want to go
home!
Warning sign that your nurse may be a Brute: If he or she constantly
asks, "Are you STILL using lidocaine?"


#2 The Finagler

A timid nurse who fears causing the patient pain, which results in
him/her inserting the needles 1/300th of a millimeter. He/she
wiggles, rolls and twists the needles sloooowly, thinking that this
is "less painful." Actually, what he/she REALLY fears is
infiltrating the patient, convinced that the "Bosses" will use it to
get them fired.


#3 The Get-In-Get-Outer

Confident, business-like, and far too rare! Knows which spots to
avoid, inserts the needles into your graft, gets the machine running
and gets out of your hair. Asks for assistance when necessary, but
can handle most emergencies alone.
CAUTION: If you get this nurse too often, it can aggravate the
effects of The Brute, Finagler, and Aztec Two-Stepper, Mangler, and
Rosie the Riveter.


#4 The Aztec Two-stepper

Hooks you up fine. The fun begins when the machine keeps alarming.
Then the Aztec Two-Stepper springs into action-- yanking, pushing
and pulling the needles in an ill-fated attempt at avoiding
repositioning them. To this nurse, re-doing needles is admitting
defeat, and he/she will wrap your arm in six pounds of paper tape
before pulling out an uncooperative needle. It's easy to spot the
victim of The Aztec Two-Stepper-- just look for the patient with the
contorted arm position and pained look as each time he/she relaxes
the tiniest bit, the machine starts alarming again.


#5 The Oblivious
This refers to attitude towards patients, not lack of experience.
This nurse can walk right past a patient who's passing out and
feebly calling for help. If The Oblivious would have been paying
attention to the appearance of the patient, he/she would have
noticed the signs of imminent fainting (restlessness, panting,
wiping face with hand) and the episode could have been avoided. The
Oblivious also has trouble deciding which side of the unit an alarm
is on, when to give antibiotics, and when to refill jugs. This is
the type of person who gets evicted from an apartment for
non-payment of rent.
CAUTION: May be passive-aggressive in disguise!


#6 The Mangler
Thinks every graft is like the perfect textbook model from nursing
school, and that every patient's graft is the same. This leads to
intense drilling as The Mangler tries to shove the needle into a
non-existant space. Wanders around in your arm like it's a National
Geographic special. Forgets to use clamps and stands there
bewildered as your blood flies all over the place. Curses equipment.
Unlike The Finagler, The Mangler gives not a damn about
infiltration. "Hey, we all do it sometime!" is The Mangler Motto


#7 The Wolf-Crier
Cousin of The Finagler, The Wolf-Crier lacks confidence in an
emergency and jumps ship the minute anything happens. Is unaware of
basic dialysis facts that even the patients know.
Here are a few calls of The Wolf-Crier:
"Miiiiiike!"
"Maaaaaary!"
"Lindaaaaa!"
Good news: These nurses seldom stay employed for very long.


#8 Rosie the Riveter
A conglomeration of The Finagler, Aztec Two-Stepper, and Mangler.
Thinks it's important to know how many ways a needle WON'T go in,
too. And guess whose arm will be the guinea pig?
Rosie has a production-line mentality, with a self-imposed deadline
of 6 p.m. Woe betide the tardy patient! Extra riveting is in your
immediate future!


I showed this article to the nurses at my dialysis unit, and they loved it. I'd been afraid that feelings would be hurt, but they considered my writing to be a wakeup call... we now have far fewer Brutes and Manglers! I'm sure I've benefitted all of my fellow patients by creating this article. Personally, I'm glad that suffering finally created some good!