When Christians make a mockery of their own religion, is it simply random chance, or is something more sinister involved? I have discovered the answer by careful research.

As many people know, there is a conspiracy to turn Americans away from the Christian faith. I went to the conspiracy’s headquarters in Keokuk, Iowa in order to talk to the leader of the conspiracy, Diana Abolus.

Here are some pertinent extracts from my interview, presented in question-and-answer format:

Q: Miss Abolus, can I interview you for an article on the Internet?

A: Is it your intention to mock me and attempt to refute me?

Q: Yes.

A: That’s OK. No-one reads your stuff anyway. Ask me anything you want.

Q: Tell me, Ms. Abolus-

A: Call me Di.

Q: Di, how extensive *is* your conspiracy, anyway?

A: Well, we are very influential, but our membership is fairly small. We have trouble recruiting members among the atheist and agnostic communities. Atheists and agnostics are more ethical than their critics give them credit for. Thus, most atheists and agnostics want very little to do with us, because they don’t like engaging in sinister conspiracies.

Q: You mean that there is no connection between irreligion and immorality?

A: I didn’t say that. There is some correlation, but it’s not as significant as we had hoped. The Christian religion is addressed to sinners, so Christians are not automatically more virtuous than non-Christians. Of course, Christians are supposed to acknowledge, and make repentance for, their sinful actions. This makes them potentially more moral. Those Christians who acknowledge their sinful nature generally want to avoid sin, but they often stray, and in any event they know that they cannot cure themselves of sin by their own efforts. Some Christians, of course, do not allow their religion to affect their behavior. One key element of our propaganda among Christians is that religion is part of one’s personal life which should not impinge on one’s behavior. The more we can persuade Christians to believe this, the more we will be able to tell the non-Christians, “look, those people are no better than you are.” This is a message we try to propagate through our operatives in the Christian churches.

Q: You mean that your atheistic conspiracy actually includes Christians?

A: Like that’s a big shock! Actually, we refer to our Christian members as “professing Christians,” because they reject Christianity, but they pretend to be Christians so that they can more easily infiltrate Christian ranks.

Q: You mean that Christian organizations, churches and other institutions are honeycombed with your conspirators?

A: You make it sound so sinister. Yes, we have some conspirators among Christian institutions. Our greatest influence, however, comes from our honorary members.

Q: Honorary members?

A: An honorary member of our conspiracy is someone who acts in such a way as to promote our objectives, but who is not conscious of our existence. An honorary member may well be a Christian or a pious non-Christian. He or she would be shocked to find out about our existence. We influence our honorary members through indirect means.

Q: Such as-

A: I’m not at liberty to say.

Q: What exactly does your conspiracy seek to do?

A: To turn Americans away from Jesus.

Q: Give an example of where you are active.

A: Well, for example, we are active in the school-prayer dispute.

Q: So you’re trying to stop prayer in schools?

A: What are you, stupid? School prayer is the best thing that could possibly happen to us. We are trying to establish school prayer in every public school in the country. In the public schools children know that government-mandated prayers represent, at best, compulsory ceremonies designed by cynical politicians who are chasing after votes. This teaches kids to associate Christianity with compulsion, cheap cynicism and political expediency. It basically reinforces every negative image that kids have about adults, and that negative image affects kids’ views of Christianity. More converts to our cause!

Q: So you support compulsory prayer in public schools?

A: Yes, plus flag-salutes. The flag-salute is a pagan, idolatrous ceremony, and we want to encourage children to associate Christianity with pagan, idolatrous ceremonies. That’s why we put so much emphasis on the phrase “under God.”

Q: This is horrible!

A: Some of our members are toying with the idea of having kids do the Roman Salute as part of the flag-salute ceremony.

Q: What’s the Roman Salute?

A: It’s a salute that all the kids used to do during the Pledge. Congress got rid of the salute in the 1940s, but, like I said, we are considering trying to reinstate the salute. We’re worried that there might not be enough public support for the Roman Salute, so we’re having our pollsters do focus groups on the issue.

Q: You still haven’t shown me the Roman Salute.

A: Here it is. [Di raises her right arm out from her body, straight out and then upwards at a 45 degree angle.

Q: Wait a minute, that’s the *Nazi* salute!

A: No, it isn’t. You see, with the Nazi salute, your palm faces downward. With the Roman salute, the palm faces upward.

Q: It’s still suspiciously similar.

A: Don’t blame me! Blame the organizers of the original flag-salute ceremony in 1892. They are the ones who came up with the raised-arm salute.

Q: You will never get away with this! How else are you trying to turn Americans away from Christianity?

A: We are engaged in a propaganda campaign to persuade Americans that Christianity is a religion of wickedness.

Q: No-one would believe such preposterous things!

A: Oh, really? We’ve already persuaded Americans that Christianity is a religion of war. We arranged for the President of the United States, a professing Christian, to call a national prayer service at which a prominent evangelist spoke. The President used the occasion of this prayer service to call for war-a long, drawn-out war. The link between war and Christianity has been solidified in the public mind.

Q: But some wars must surely be pleasing to God?

A: I wouldn’t know about about God. I don’t report to Him. *My* boss finds war quite pleasing, and that’s enough for me. If I can teach Americans to believe in the principles of *my* boss, including the principles of war, then I know that we will be taking Americans away from Jesus.

Q: What about the Christian doctrine of the Just War?

A: The doctrine of the Just War was invented by the European branch of our conspiracy. In promoting the theory of the Just War, we had the assistance of Thomas Aquinas and many of the Popes.

Q: Are you saying that your people control the Catholic Church?

A: No, I’m not saying that. I’m simply saying that we controlled the hierarchy of the Catholic Church from around 400 C. E. to 1965 C. E. The current Pope is a Christian, so he doesn’t want anything to do with us. However, the current Pope is stuck with some of the crimes the Catholic Church committed while we were in control.

Q: Why did your people take over the Catholic Church in Europe?

A: The same reason we are trying to take over the Christian denominations in the United States. We want a state-supported “Christian” church which will give its support to the evil and un-Christian acts of the secular government. We want to alienate the population from the Christian faith by leading them to associate Christianity with government persecution, with war, and with numerous other evils. And look at Europe today! Atheism and agnosticism all over the place! We accomplished all this with our government-supported perversions of Christianity.

Q: So I guess the Catholic Church *is* evil, just like the Reverend Ian Paisley says.

A: Ian Paisley...the name sounds familiar.

Q: He’s the bigoted Protestant preacher in Northern Ireland. He says that Catholicism is evil, and he opposed civil rights for Irish Catholics.

A: Oh, him! I remember now! Ian Paisley is the head of the Irish branch office of the conspiracy. His speciality is fanning the flames of sectarian discord among Christians and giving Christianity a bad name throughout the world. The conspiracy tried to find a Catholic to head our Irish office, but the Catholic leaders-like most of the Protestants-were too busy seeking peace to have any time for us. Paisley was a prize catch. Just like Luther, Calvin, and other Protestant leaders back in those dangerous times when the people started reading the Bible for themselves. If we hadn’t had the help of Luther, Calvin and other helpers, the people of Europe might have been brought back to Christianity. But Luther and the rest of them helped discredit the Protestant as well as the Catholic versions of Christianity. We’ve had a lot of luck in Ireland, just like we have in other parts of Europe. But that’s not my department. I only run the American end of the conspiracy. You’ll have to talk to Paisley himself if you want to learn more about the Irish end of things.

Q: So the Catholic Church has turned against you, and Protestants are turning against you. It seems you don’t have much to boast about.

A: Au contraire! We have already made considerable inroads into just about every religious denomination. Look at the issue of homosexuality. Among liberal Christians, we urge acceptance of homosexual behavior as an alternative lifestyle. Among conservative Christians, we urge hatred of homosexuals. Since Jesus wants people to love the sinner and hate the sin, we are trying to get people to either hate the sinner or love the sin. Either way, we pervert Jesus’ teachings and we give Christianity a bad name. And if we give Christianity a bad name, fewer people will come to Jesus.

Q: What about the Jews?

A: Our greatest success story! Both in America and in Europe, and throughout the world, we have incited gentiles to Anti-Semitic atrocities and we have tried to link these atrocities to Christianity. Our agents in the Christian clergy spread the damnable lie that the Jews killed Jesus. We got the gentiles’ Anti-Semitism raised to a white heat, and when Anti-Semitism had corrupted the souls of the gentiles, we went to work to undermine the Old Testament by calling it a mere collection of Jewish fables. Of course, if you destroy the Old Testament you destroy the New Testament as well, which means that Anti-Semitism is a canker worm which eats at the roots of the Christian faith.

Q: Nice metaphor.

A: Thanks. One of our people in the Anti-Semitic movement coined the term “Judeo-Christian” in order to underline the link between Anti-Semitism and anti-Christianity. Some fools today use the term “Judea-Christian as if it’s a nice multicultural term, but it’s a term derived from the Anti-Semites. Our Anti-Semitic agents spread the notion among gentiles that Christianity was a slave religion invented by Jews and unworthy of belief by the great Aryan races. Finally, we found this Austrian corporal-

Q: Spare me the details. But tell me-how did you overcome the Christian opposition to your Anti-Semitic and anti-Christian plans?

A: Opposition? The Christians cheerfully went along with our Anti-Semitism. Luther called for a pogrom. The Catholics spread the word-“the Jews are a menace to civilization, but do not slay them.” We took the Catholics’ message, deleted the three words “but do not,” and, presto! The Christians did virtually nothing against our murderous Anti-Semitism, and many Christians supported us. Then we sent our agents among the Jews and said, “see what the gentiles have done to you for the last 2,000 years! Now they have tried to kill you, and it’s all the fault of this guy Jesus!”

Q: Do the Jews believe this silly propaganda?

A: Well, there are some Jews who look at the real Jesus and discover that He is not the demon portrayed by our propaganda. If by some misfortune a Jew converts to Christianity, we make sure to give that person the full Chava.

Q: The what?

A: You know, Tevye disowning Chava in *Fiddler on the Roof.* If anyone Jewish becomes a Christian, and if we can’t get the person to change his or her mind, then we try to make him or her an outcast in the Jewish community. It’s funny, really. Ayn Rand was Jewish. Some of her followers are Jewish. They preach a philosophy of pure atheism and selfishness which contradicts every tenet of traditional Judaism. Yet the Jewish followers of Ayn Rand are not treated as lepers in the Jewish community the way Christians are generally treated. On the other end of the political spectrum, there are some Jews who are followers of Karl Marx. Talk about a false Messiah! Marx was a self-hating Jew who published an attack on his own people. Jesus never did that, yet it is the Jewish followers of Jesus, not the Jewish followers of Marx, who are the outcasts among Jews. Marx was even singled out by one prominent Jewish author as an exemplary Jew who was a light unto the gentiles. This same author declared that you didn’t have to believe in God to be a Jew. But that author also said that a Jew for Jesus is not a Jew, as if being a Jew and being a Christian cannot be done simultaneously.

Q: So to be a Jew, you can disbelieve in God, but you can’t believe in Jesus. This prominent author, is he by any chance a lawyer?

A: Yes (See Alan Dershowitz, *The Vanishing American Jew,* pub. 1997). I regret to say, however, that in general Dershowitz isn’t on our side. For example, he supports separation of church and state, which as he acknowledges helps people of faith remain uncorrupted by government (see *Shouting Fire,* New York, Little, Brown, late 2001, p. 219). We must regretfully count Dershowitz among our enemies, because church/state separation, which he advocates, strengthens the Christian faith.

Q: Leaving Dershowitz to one side, let me return to another topic. It seems that one of your tactics is to have your agents or dupes espouse hateful doctrines under the name of Christianity, in the hope that people will associate these hateful doctrines with the Christian religion. Who are your chief agents in this wicked project?

Q: I can’t list all of them. We have two top operatives codenamed Pat and Jerry. They will come up with the weirdest s___ you could imagine, then they will attribute it to Jesus. And we have people in the pulpits all over this great land who are willing to pass off their own fancies as divinely inspired. This does wonders for the cause of atheism.

Q: What about the fundamentalist preachers?

A: The fundamentalist preachers are unpredictable. We don’t know from week to week whether they will help us or harm us with their messages. We prefer to work with the so-called “mainline” churches.

Q: I heard that you people try to promote the teaching of evolution.

A: That’s misleading. We stir up the *controversy* over evolution, so as to give people the impression that Christianity is anti-scientific. Also, we encourage pseudo-scientists who espouse doctrines such as Spencerianism (Social Darwinism), eugenics, etc., all in the name of evolution. We want to set up new religions disguised as scientific doctrines.

Q: You people actually establish new religions?

A: Sure. Except we don’t call them religions, because the people we are aiming at don’t like the *word* “religion.” So we refer to our new religions as sciences, and we attract more people that way. Think of all the religions that we have established by using the term “science!” Scientology, Marxism, Objectivism (Ayn Rand’s philosophy).

Q: Christian Science?

A: That was a flop. Some of those people are actually Christian. But for a Christian Scientist to be a Christian, he or she has to renounce most of the basic elements of Christian Science, and that leads to some useful cognitive dissonnance.

Q: The Church of Satan?

A: They’re not affiliated with us. They’re just a bunch of posers who give us a bad name.

Q: So where have you had the best success?

A: With the Episcopelians, of course. They’ll believe anything we tell them. Unless we tell them that Christianity is true .