1. Appreciate the dumb stuff people do that makes great fiction.

2. Beware of writing about personal relationships. You may end up liking the person you're razing.

3. Common sense means keeping plenty of paper around for those post-writer's block moments. And yes, toilet paper counts as long as you take it off the roll first.

4. Deny yourself the urge to write about the fine upstanding government officials in Washington DC. If your article ends up being published, you never know which Washington call girl will use it for post orgasmic reading after the cheating congressperson falls asleep.

5. Find a good photographer. Walmart may not have your photos ready in time for publication.

6. Get good nutrition when working hard on a deadline project. Just squirt a little old expired cheese whiz on that stale cracker for extra protein.

7. Hold all calls from bill collectors until they read about you in Oprah's book club. Then "O" can pay them off and repair your credit. (If she can give away a bunch of cars, she can pay your bills when you write that great international novel.)

8. If you happen to have family members who doubt the reality of writing being "real work", just don't invite them over when Oprah has a party in your honor.

9. Joy eventually cometh after a bad rewrite.

10. Keep your private freaky thoughts to yourself, unless you get a pseudonym. Then just get wild. Nobody at church will ever suspect you wrote that steamy prose they keep hidden under their coffee table bible.

11. Love writing, and writing will love you back. Your audience will only love you as long as you stay out of jail. (Again, don't write about the government.)

12. Men can understand women authors, as long as there's a woman around to explain the principles. (Principle one: Take book off shelf. Principle two: open the cover. . . and so on and so forth.)

13. Never underestimate the power of the editor. I don't care if they are taking Prozac.

14. Open your mind to new experiences, but when you run out of money, keep the return receipts and inspire yourself cheap on the bus trip back home.

15. Pray daily that God will use your writing talent to benefit others. (What? You waitin' for a punch line on this one!?)

16. Quit whining about writers block. We could be writing English essays in a class with a substitute math teacher who flunked English Composition. Ask yourself, what the kind of equation has a plot unless it involved duct tape?

17. Respect the thoughts of those in reading circles who don't agree with what you write. Just create another character in the sequel where they die.

18. Stand up for yourself and promote your writing to people who can READ!

19. Trace your family history. Now there's a treasure chest of unbelievable fiction!

20. Understand the hidden meaning of words. One day, you might be asked by a news reporter to spell them out for the editor.

21. Visit a nursing home having a social literary function. If the residents are asleep, don't be offended. They could have stopped breathing on you.

22. Whistle while you work. But not with crackers and cheese whiz in your mouth.

23. e(X)pect the best is yet to come. But don't expect Elvis at the mall. For God's sake he's DEAD I tell ya! DEAD. . . DEAD!!!!)

24. Young people will always want to read your work if you confiscate their video games and cell phones first.

25. Zip right down to your local library, get to know your research person, buy them dinner and have they edit your work before submitting it for publication. And don't forget to mention them in the acknoledgements in exchange erasing all your overdue fines.

Whoops, hey, that was only 25!
Go back and see how important (E) for editing is. (Gotcha!) Makes it 20-six tips! TAH-DOW!

Hope you enjoyed learned and smiled.


copyright 2005, cynth'ya lewis reed
all rights reserv'd.