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The Guidelines to making your Breakup Successful: Dumpee Edition 3/14/2008 3:22:53 AM
The average person falls in love at least four times in their life or so I’ve heard. Relationships are very challenging and require lots of work. However, the ending of a relationship can be as twice as hard. Breaking up is challenging but hopefully this guide will make it easier so that you don’t seem crazy and you won’t feel that way neither.
No, we still can’t be “friends”. Why is that always in the closing arguments? One could say because of the extreme guilt of the dumper. They want to try to make recompense for the breakup. This is their last goodwill gesture. If you truly have feelings for someone you cannot be their friend. What you shared is always going to be in the back, if not in the forefront of your mind. You really want more but your heart doesn’t want to be hurt again. But your heart is truly still hurting, still breaking. “The word friend, the idea of a friend” People throw that word around as they do the phrase, “I love you.” I think that when it is truly defined and understood then people would know that being friends has to earned and not given. It’s sort of like a partnership, it’s love. I always asked myself how can I be in love with you one day and be friends with you the next. To me it is improbable. So can we still be friends, as of right now no, but who knows what the future holds. Time doesn’t heal all wounds but sometimes it is a good band aid.
Establish a support system. You need someone to talk to. Your support system consists of anyone who is willing to listen usually more than one person, who can give good words of encouragement and advice. They are the people who help in the reconstruction of your self esteem. Everything they say won’t be perfect but the benefit is that they will put up with most of your whining and fits. When you establish your support system you will vulnerable and won’t have the best judgment but you should pick them wisely because you don’t want anyone who will be an instigator or someone who will encourage you to be violent such as letting all of the air out of his tires, setting fire to his/her clothes, and busting his/her windshield). That will only end you up in jail and the relief you gain from the activity won’t last. It will go away as soon as you see him riding around town again with a new outfit.
Distance is the key to success. THIS IS THE MOST DIFFICULT STEP.Emotional distance is what you should strive for but physical distance is a good start. I’m not saying to move out of state but just don’t try to be in that person’s presence. Now if you have children this can be difficult but it can be worked out so that the time you have together is minimal. Talk only if it cannot be avoided. If you work together try to take your lunch at different times if that’s not possible go out to eat. Stay away from your usual hot spots or secret getaways. Usually it’s never wise to date a coworker. I’m a big believer in the saying “Don’t shit where you eat,” but to each his own and that’s a topic for another for another time.
Keep your self busy. Before you even met that person or started having feelings you weren’t thinking about that person all the time even when you were a couple. But now that you aren’t together the tables have turned. Now everything reminds you of that person, directly or indirectly. You begin to reminisce. You trained yourself to think about that person and the thoughts have become more dominant now that you aren’t tied together. It’s kind of like your mind is in survivor mode, trying to relive every tryst. I’m not saying that you can forget about that person but in time the memory won’t hold as much weight. Now what you need to do is to retrain your brain to think about other things. -Whenever his name pops up or something strikes a chord, stop it. Quickly, think about something else. Think about things you have to do, write a list. Watch that movie you’ve been meaning to see. Finish that project that you had been putting off or go hang out with those you neglected when you were a couple. All those friendships that you let slide needs some nurturing. Sometimes the instant gratification of communication and modes of transportation can be our downfall, i.e. cell phones, land line phones, email, fax, IM, billboards, cars, bus. Whenever you feel the need to call that person STOP and dial someone from your support system. Erase his number out of your phone book. I know that this is easier said than done but I never said it would be easy.
Avoid the emotional exchange. Don’t start the arguments and don’t be a willing participant. Don’t destroy their property, show up at their job and try to get them fired. That only shows how far you are from being over them. Yea, they disappointed you but eventually somewhere in your history they probably felt the same way about you too. The exchange of emotions symbolizes to that person that you still are not over the whole ordeal. You can be as angry as you want to be but just don’t let that person know. If at all possible hide your emotions. The easiest emotion that people have less of a problem tackling is acting uninterested, men are pros at this. Just keep your cool. There will be sometimes where an argument will inevitable just don’t make it a habit. Cause believe me you aren’t the only one hurting inside and maybe in a sick and twisted way that’s how they are showing they still care.
What’s the big deal with closure? Closure means the conclusion. Scores of relationships don’t have a definite closure. Everyone desires closure but few get it. Lots of people begin a new chapter or chapters without finishing the last one. There are many ideas on how to get over someone. One old and very popular wives’ tale is in order to get over one man you have to get under another. I know of a few people who apply this to their lives and no, sorry to tell you it doesn’t work. That’s where rebounds come in and they don’t tend to last too long. The endings of relationships need to be mourned and getting into another one too soon will only hinder your progress. Crying is beneficial it’s a way of cleansing your heart. You are mourning the death of a relationship. Some people look for reasons that caused the breakup but the only person who truly knows is the dumper and it’s their choice. Sometimes even you obtain the information you don’t think it’s true or it’s not good enough. Either way the dumpee never thinks the bond needed to be broken otherwise they would have been the first too call it off. So call it pride or stubbornness but closure is a choice either you accept the ending of the relationship or you dwell on it and stay miserable and sabotage all your future relationships with all your baggage.
Words of encouragement. There are only some many tears that can go around. When someone starts crying some one stops.
Note: The consequences of the way you use this guide not in accordance with its original intent is all on you.
