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Blogs by Russell A Vassallo
Enemies and God 1/23/2017 9:46:35 AM
I can count my enemies on the fingers of one hand and have a finger left over. Usually I impact people in a positive way and I receive a lot of compliments as a result of that. Many of my friends are lifetime admirers and no -- I do not know what they admire but they tell me that they do. When I suffered the heart attack, I told my wife, Virginia, I was not having one and thus spent several weeks in the hospital with a lot of time to think about myself. Yes, I accomplished a lot in my life and did well in law but I thought nothing of myself personally. One of my flaws is that,although I do not have many enemies, I do not easily forgive. I guess it is my Sicilian temperament.
There is one many I regard as obnoxious and demeaning. He had a wonderful wife, someone totally competent and compassionate and he treated her like dirt. I mean, he made her do things that were demeaning and degrading to a woman. My grandfather, Mafia or not, always told me that women are the vessel of life. They should be revered and respected. And he lived that way. My grandmother, Concetta, was only 4'11" and yet when she lost her temper -- which was seldom -- he could not stand up to her, Mafia or not. I know he teased her ruthlessly. Even though he towered over her, he could not contain her anger when she was aroused. She would literally screech at him.
An odd couple, I thought. My grandfather was getting in with the wrong crowd when he was seventeen, so my great-grandmother wrote to a family in Sicily and asked if their daughter, Concetta, was still unmarried. When she discovered Concetta was unmarried, she sent my grandfather there to be married. He courted her, Sicilian style, for an entire year and they were married and returned to the United States. If you want to read the history of his entrance into the Mafia, my books, Mafia Honor and Mafia Diary, reveal that part of his life. They are reasonably priced, available on Kindle, and I am told they are fascinating.
Now that I am disabled with heart damage, I have had to adjust to a new way of life. I cannot be as fast as I used to be. There are days when my oxygen count is low and I have no energy. I suffer from clinical depression which can kill -- yes, I said, kill -- one through suicide or lack of care. I suffered through that and one of the odd thoughts that occurred to me was about my grandfather. It occurred when he was seventy. I saw him get up on farm truck to ride n the open portion of the back and suddenly he fell. I thought he had lost his balance but he had not. My grandfather had suffered a stroke. he became paralyzed to some degree and in his later years he stood near a window of their living room, looking out into the streets of Newark. I used to wonder what he thought now that he could no longer be active. I found out when I had my own heart attack. One covers a multitude of sins trying to adapt to a life where he can do few of things he used to do. I was not supposed to survive and yet I did.
What had this to go with enemies? When one faces death, he thinks about the people he has not forgiven. I know I should. Jesus said to love your enemies. I do not know what I will say to God when I see him again and he asks me why I did not forgive. My only answer is: "Lord, I am Sicilian. Lack of forgiveness is inbred into us." I often think about the people I disdain and hope I can find forgiveness in my heart but it's hard. I think of the rapists who murder their victims and I ask God: Why would you forgive someone like that? They deserve to be in Hell.
But no one understands the ways of God. He has his own infinite plans and we are but servants. Ours not to question why; ours but to do or die in the phrase that comes to mind.
I always had trouble with the parable of the laborers who came at the first hour, labored in the hot sun, and those who came an hour before quitting and were paid the same. I thought it was grossly unfair. Now I understand the meaning. God can suspend the laws of justice and forgive and those He forgives can enter Heaven. I find myself looking at the sky and seeing something beyond it as though it is just a blue covering across the sky that covers another place. I have seen Heaven. I have seen the light of God. I have felt his touch. My dad always said he was not afraid to die but that he would just miss everyone. But if he made it to Heaven, he found the Vassallo family there waiting.
