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TRUE STORY 3/25/2005 9:29:12 AM
I once had a girl friend who would match the antics of her feet with a deep, manly Russian accent.
I once had a guy friend who decided that running while smoking cigarettes was a good way to ash.
I once had a boyfriend who burned his nipple with a hot fork.
I once had a boyfriend who got so stoned that he confided in a ceiling fan for about a half an hour.
I once had a guy friend who got a fava bean stuck in his nose.
I once gave away a purple feather boa to a woman singing on the street because she looked like Ella Fitzgerald.
I once convinced a neighbor girl that I was a boy (and it worked until I had to “prove it“).
I once took a homeless man to lunch because he helped calm me down about my overheating engine.
Most people have had an imaginary friend … I once had an imaginary orphanage.
I once wet myself in an arcade because I couldn’t leave my flawless game of packman.
I once caught a fly-ball right in the eye-socket and got a shiner.
I once dated a non-English-speaking boy in Germany because he looked like EddieVedder.
I once made-out with a life-size bronze bust of Thomas Jefferson in order to “practice.”
I once shared a twin bed with four friends.
I once carved several stakes out of playground bark and kept them underneath my bed in case vampires attacked.
I once cried while playing hide and seek in the barracks near the Oregon Coast because I was scared.
I once tried to clean a mirror using bar soap.
I once had a touchdown run almost the entire length of the field.
I once was so hungry that I stared longingly at a kebab instead of the amazingly attractive guy it belonged to.
I once had a friend who thought that being fat was like wearing an overcoat.
I once lived in a stick hut in Denali, Alaska for two months.
I once saw the Easter bunny, swear to God.
I once had a boyfriend that took a part of my heart away with him.
I once got punched in the face by an angry opponent during a high school basketball game.
I once got claw-marks down my left arm from an angry soccer opponent.
I once befriended a commune of hippies at the end of the road and read them stories in exchange for ice cream and crystals.
I once sliced a grasshopper in two and felt so horrible that I organized a whole burial service.
I once singed my eyelashes and eyebrow trying to smoke out of an apple.
To be continued …
