Patrick Sills, click
here to update your pages on AuthorsDen.
Blogs by Patrick Sills
Questions That Need to be Re-worded 9/1/2005 1:02:25 AM
There are certain questions asked by cashiers in stores that need to be re-worded.
Most of us have written checks at one time or another when we go to a store to make a purchase. Before I get to the point of this blog, let me say that I possess a unique sense of humor that borders on being a smart-ass. More often than not, however, this has worked to my advantage.
As a middle school student some thirty-five years ago, I was a homely, pimple-faced kid who was persecuted on an almost-daily basis. I had a large nose (and still do), but in those days I was referred to as a "nose with a kid hanging on the end of it." I was undergoing the changes associated with puberty and became interested in girls as more than just buddies. However, they all thought I was ugly. My hairstyle during that period did little to thwart that opinion. I was punched in the face, thumped in the back of the head, and had books knocked out from under my arms by bullies. All of these things are a bit detrimental to aquiring any degree of self-esteem. My next novel, SILENT SANCTUARY, has its main character patterned after my experiences as a young teenager. It should be available in early 2006.
As I got older, the persecution came to an end, but the low self-esteem prevailed. I began to play in rock bands, initially in hopes of getting attention from the girls. I became a pretty decent bass player, but dates with the fairer sex were few and far between. Finally, in my early twenties, I decided to use humor to mask my intoverted psyche. Slowly, but surely, it began to work. I soon came to be regarded as "cute," "sweet," and "funny." Eventually, at 28, I got married, and I am still with my wife 17 years later.
I'm one of those people who look a lot better in middle age than I did when I was young, but take it from me: I still won't be confused with Brad Pitt. Nevertheless, despite being married 17 years, I still enjoy using humor to harmlessly flirt with pretty women. I think that's a male thing; ego reinforcement if you will.......
My sense of humor is sort of a cross between George Carlin and Steven Wright. I take common expressions used by people literally. For example, let's use the escalating gas prices as a model. Someone down south may be enquiring about the price of gas in your part of the country, but instead of asking, "What's gas cost up there?" they'll ask, "What's gas up there?" I would answer, "It's a combustible liquid derived from petroleum. What is it down there?"
The same applies to writing checks at retail or grocery stores. Here are some common questions asked by cashiers and my typical answers:
Q:"Do you know your expiration date?" A: "No. The only people who know this are either condemned criminals who have a specific execution date or those who plan a specified day to commit suicide. I'm hoping my expiration date won't be for another thirty -five or forty years."
Q: "Is everything current?" A: "Yes, but only for a split second. Then it's in the past and replaced with something new."
Q: "Did you find everything today?" A: "No, I've lived for 45 years. I found a lot of stuff before today."
Q: "Can you sign right here?" A: "I suppose I could, but wouldn't you rather have me sign my name?"
Sometimes these responses will backfire, especially if the cashier has no sense of humor, and what will result is the person viewing you as a smart-ass. This doesn't bother me. Laughter is therapeutic, and some people just haven't caught on to that yet.
This has not stopped me from using humor to harmlessly flirt with pretty women and I still do this regularly.
