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Online Dating: I'm Officially Retired 2/7/2014 11:07:25 AM
Real Online Dating Horror Stories! I'm writing this blog because my friend asked me to share the wisdom I have learned from my 2 years of on/off online dating. Last night I told her I was officially retiring my online dating profile. Congratulations to everyone who has met someone online and either are in a relationship or have gotten married as a result. As for me? Yeah. I don't even know how many first dates I've been on in the last two years. I think I've met every type of guy that you could ever imagine. Not all of it was bad. Some guys were nice but there just wasn't any chemistry. Sometimes there was a lot of chemistry (and the sex was fantastic) but we didn't click outside of the bedroom. So as a promise to my friend, before I officially retire from online dating at the ripe old age of 35, I will share a few stories as lessons for the next generation of online daters.
The Guy who thinks we are in a relationship after the first date: I had a great first date with this guy. We really clicked. He kissed me goodnight and I had a smile on my face the rest of the night. The next night as we were talking on the phone, I tell him that in a couple of months, I'm heading to Lansing to take the Bar Exam. Out of nowhere, he throws a tantrum and exclaims: "No woman of mine is going to stay in a hotel room by herself. Tell me the dates and I'm going with you." Um…what? First, I'm not your woman. Second, I'm a big girl so I can stay in a hotel room if I want. Third, I'm going to Lansing to take the Bar Exam, not to sleep around. And we're done.
The Guy who shares too much too soon: Again, first date. Having drinks, talking about life. Good times. All of a sudden he says to me, "I haven't had sex in 8 years because I'm afraid of STDs. Before we have sex, you need to get tested." And we're done.
The Guy who texts me all day long: The morning of our date, this guy texts me: "It's only seven hours until we finally meet." While some women may find that charming, I personally find it creepy. I text him back and tell him that I will see him later. His next text: "I can leave work early if you want to spend more time together." No, I text back. I will still meet you at 6:00. The last text: "I can't wait to nibble on your next tonight at dinner." I quickly cancel dinner. And we're done.
The Guy who thinks he is my daughter's new step-father: We're at the restaurant talking. I show him a picture of my daughter. He says, "You know, you should have brought her tonight." Huh? This is our first date. I don't know you from Adam so I'm sure as hell not going to bring my daughter. Then throughout dinner, he calls her princess whenever he talks about her. She has a name. She is not your princess. When I look at my phone to check the time, he says, "Why don't you call our princess and see how she's doing? Can I talk to her?" That date lasted 45 minutes. And we're done.
The Guy who is negative about everything: His ex-wife is a bitch. He hates his job. His family sucks. He hates his house. He hates Detroit. He hates winter, spring, summer and fall. He hates the car I drive. He hates the car he drives. He hates his food at dinner. He hates the weather. And we're done.
The Guy who can't hold a conversation: This guy started out the conversation with, "I love commercials. I love watching commercials. Don't you ever wonder why some companies make commercials?" Okay. So he likes commercials. I can live with that…except when he talked about commercials for almost two hours. Nothing else. Just commercials. And we're done.
The Guy who tries way too hard to impress: I'm simple. As long as a guy can hold a good conversation and have a sense of humor, he's got about a 90% chance of a second date. This date was going well until the inevitable question of why I got divorced came up. I really don't go into that much detail. I just say there were some issues and we were better off divorced. Once in a blue moon, if I feel comfortable with the guy, I will divulge just a little bit more. In this case, I told him that my ex had a PPO against him. Out of nowhere, he says, "Are you scared? Do you need protection? I have a gun in my car. I carry a gun with me all the time. Do you want a gun too?" And we're done.
I have no objections to dating. I like men. I like sex. I like relationships. I would like all three again before I die. I met a woman today who is a newlywed at the age of 53. And it is her first marriage. If she can wait 50 years to meet the right person, then I guess I can wait too. He's out there somewhere. Maybe he's reading this right now. I can only hope, right? :)
