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Happiness Tip: Watch out for Bad Relationship Habits

In this newsletter, I often write about good relationship habits, so this month, I thought I’d explore some of the bad habits I see in my counseling practice that lead to strife and struggle in relationships. Hopefully, if you recognize any of these habits in your own relationship, you’ll work together to fix them.

1) You place social media above real communication;
This can be a big problem, especially with younger couples. Feeling that you’ve discussed something because you’ve texted, or because it’s on Facebook is not the same as actually communicating. Spending your free time surfing Facebook, Instagram, Pinterest, or Twitter when you could be having “face time” with your partner is a bad choice.

2) You fight in times of stress;
Whether it’s bad night’s sleep, trouble at work, lack of sex, or being ill or in pain; nothing is a good excuse for fighting. When you’re cranky and out of sorts, it’s your responsibility to be aware of that and ask for some extra space, or find a way to take care of yourself. If you let your partner know it’s a difficult day, that gives him or her a chance to be more thoughtful and considerate than usual. But, every day can’t be a bad day, so if you’re always cranky, take a look at your lifestyle, and what you need to improve.

3) You have problems talking about money;
Money’s important, but many couples I see don’t know how to discuss it in a businesslike fashion. When couples don’t talk about money comfortably and easily, problems are discovered too late. Are you keeping money secrets? Are you struggling over how the money is spent or saved? Financial planning is very important for a happy marriage, but financial nagging and haranguing aren’t the ways to go about it.

4) You’re too attached to your phone, tablet or laptop;
I see so many couples at dinner, focused on gadgets and not on each other. Your gadget is not going to provide happiness and fond memories. Try this. Leave your phones and devices at home the next time you go out to dinner, and see how much better the conversation between you is. I know the phone is tempting and easy, but don’t let it seduce you into neglecting your relationship and your partner. If you can’t control it, set times when you turn it off so you can focus on an important family discussion or romance.

5) You struggle about your respective in-laws, or let them meddle too much;
Once you marry, you and your partner become primary family. You need to discuss your in-laws and how to set boundaries with them. If your families have different styles and traditions, negotiate with each other first, then present a united front to your families. It’s time to “put away childish things” and change your relationship to your parents and siblings. It’s important to be close to them, but not at the expense of your couple relationship.

6) You apologize instead of compromising;
If you’re apologizing too much, consider that your partner may be abusive. If you did it before this relationship, then it’s a self-esteem issue. Either way, it’s a good time to go for therapy and get it sorted out. You need to learn how to stand your ground when it’s appropriate. Apology can be a good thing, a way to heal small rifts between you, but not if it’s all one-sided.

7) You put off time for fun;
This is a common, chronic problem for Americans today. We value work, and don’t see the importance of re-creation. But, you need your down time, too. And if all the fun goes out of your marriage or your life, you won’t be a happy camper. Hark back to your dating days to see what you used to do for fun, and schedule time for some of that.

8) You use work to avoid problems at home;
Yes, work is easy. You usually know what you need to do , and it’s finite tasks, with a goal. Relationship problems are much messier, you can’t control them by yourself, and you must have the maturity and mutual respect it takes to work together to solve them. Consider problems at home to be just another task, like jobs at work. Your mate is your team partner, and you need to create a strategy for working together to solve them. Tackling problems at home head-on, like you do the business problems, will leave you much more time for fun and happiness.

9) You forget the small signs of love.
It’s popular to be “cool”, but don’t ignore the importance of tenderness. Affection, politeness, and everyday sweetness are the WD-40 of your relationship. They make everything run smoother. Try a little sweetness or tenderness, and see what happens. Everything gets easier.

© 2013 Tina B. Tessina
adapted from: Lovestyles: How to Celebrate Your Differences (Kindle and Paperback)

If you want more, here are some related articles you can download from my website at http://tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html


Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?
Apology and Forgiveness
Asking for What you Want
Attitude Adjustment
Avoiding The Drama Triangle
Couples Can Cooperate for Success
Fair Fight Guidelines
Family Meetings
Family Relationships
Family Violence Q&A
From Struggling to Solving
Gentle Persistence
Guidelines for Being Understood by Your Partner
How to be Irresistible to Your Mate
It’s a Dirty Job
Keys to a Happy Relationship
Less Talk, More Action
Lovestyles
The Magic of Reassurance
The Nail in the Fence: Healing Wounds
No Cooperation? Solve it Yourself!
Problem Solving For Couples
Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?
The Right Way to Love
Romance is Not Necessarily Love
State of the Union Meeting
Stop Reacting and Start Relating
Stupid Cupid
What Is A Dysfunctional Relationship?
When Love is Kind: Mutuality in Relationships
Why Couples Fall Out Of Love

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I welcome your feedback and support, please contact me at tina@tinatessina.com.

Wishing you joy,
Tina B. Tessina, PhD
www.tinatessina.com

MAILBOX
Re: A Good Cry (See this past article at http://www.tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html )

I weep easily. I wept copiously the night I met my (now) boyfriend and he was not put off. Here's a poem written after Jim's death.

Tears

Never minding where I am,
I welcome tears and always will;
I thereby grant and gladly yield
the toll extracted by the world
for touching Thee within my heart,
for knowing Thou art ever there
and tender dwell there still....

Now,
my heaving shoulder stroked by anxious friend recalls
she may perceive this fulsome flow with less delight than I.

Still,
methinks,
she sees my tears as simply emblems of woe,
whereas I know they serve me well --
for even as they veil the world about,
they wash Thee clear
within my feelings' tender sight,

And my friend knows not yet how tears are Light.

Thanks for your lovely poem, Jim. Glad to see you happy.

Dear Tina, your crystal ball is always correct, it has many visions, but always on the same topic.
Bless You Tina Keep looking into that crystal ball.old Henry
Thank you, Henry

I hope you don't mind me sending this to friends. I love your work and I love you too.
With gratitude Griselda
I love it that you share it with friends, Griselda. Thank you.


I so relate to this! I am so honored to be a therapist who does the therapy in the home with families. There are so frequently tears! Tears are a gift! But there are times of joy in my job as well.
Thank you, Maripat-Luna. Keep up the good work.

Hi Tina, Thanks for the tips. Thanks, Ted Goslin
Thank you, Ted.

Hey Tina, Great newsletter as usual. Hope all is well with you. Tom
Thank you,Tom.

Dear Tina, Thanks for sharing this great article !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Warm regards Ricardo
Thank you, Ricardo.


Hi Tina,Thank you very much for your work , I love to receive your emails with your thoughts .
Regards Ula
Thank you, Ula

Tina, Thanks so much for connecting with me here. I love receiving your email newsletters.
cheers, Kerri
Thank you, Kerri

GREAT to be in touch! I read your email newsletters each and every month! Thanks for all you do, Luisa
Thank you, Luisa