Dear Friends:

Please check out my newest book: How to be Happy Partners: Working it out Together co-authored with Riley K. Smith: www.amazon.com/How Be Happy Partners Together/dp/1530583594 Reviews are appreciated.

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I’d love your opinion on my other new Kindle book: The Real 13th Step: Discovering Confidence, Self Reliance and Independence Beyond the 12 Step Programs. www.amazon.com/REAL 13TH STEP Self Reliance Independence ebook/dp/B00VD94JO0/ref=sr_1_2?ie=UTF8&qid=1467786802 One reviewer wrote “This is the paddle you don’t want to be up the creek without.”

Happiness Tip: When Letting Go is Necessary
We all hope our relationships will be happy ever after, but we also know that all of them don’t go well. Sometimes, it’s just necessary to break off with someone who is toxic and not healthy for you.

Once you're bonded with someone, it's very painful to let go. Since most of us like to avoid our feelings, we don't want to do the grieving that's necessary to let go. But, when you've had a loss, there are a certain number of tears you must cry to let go; getting on with the crying is the fastest way. Even if the dissolution of the relationship was your idea, you may be clinging to a dream: in denial. A bad relationship can become like an addiction: a difficult habit to break, because you are emotionally attached, and the attached part of you wants to keep trying, while the rational part knows you need to let go.

We also have a lot of cultural mythology about "I'll never stop loving you" and that clinging and martyring to a toxic love means you are truly in love. Clinging to a toxic love is immature, to begin with. A relationship is a partnership, and requires work on both lovers' parts in order to succeed.


If you find you have real reason to doubt a partner, and there are real problems, such as lying, severe money problems, a history of alcohol abuse, violence, many past relationship problems, a criminal record, reports of illegal activities, or drug use, do not make excuses, and do not accept promises of change. Change is difficult, and will take a lot of time. Mere promises, no matter how well intended, are not sufficient. Get out of this relationship before you are any more attached, or any more degraded, than you are now. If your partner decides to get help, let him do it because he or she knows they need it, not to get you back. That’s not a strong enough motive to keep him committed to change.

To dump a jerk, don’t be kind. He won’t get it. Be clear, say “It’s over” in no uncertain terms, ask him not to contact you, and then cut him off. Don’t answer phone calls, e mails, etc. If you do, you’ll give him cause to think he can badger you into coming back. If he shows up, don’t let him in. If you have to call the police to get rid of him, do it. He’s a spoiled brat, and he needs to know you mean what you say.

Know the signs of emotional blackmail:
1. A demand. Your date won’t take “no” for an answer, and requests are really demands.
2. Resistance. Every discussion turns into an argument.
3. Pressure. Your date pressures you to go along.
4. Threats. Your date uses threatening or coercing tactics: threatening to end the relationship, tears, rage, badgering.
5. Compliance. If you give in, you’re setting a dangerous precedent. Your date now knows you can be pressured into giving in to him or her, and this will increase the intensity of what your date is willing to do to pressure you.
6. Repetition. An obsessive person will go through these previous five steps over and over, wearing you down each time. The easiest thing is to be sure when you say “no”, it means no.

You can also read:
How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship http://www.tinatessina.com/violent_relationships.html
Setting Boundaries and Saying No http://www.tinatessina.com/boundaries.html
Romance is not Necessarily Love http://www.tinatessina.com/romance love.html
How to Avoid Loving a Jerk http://www.tinatessina.com/how to avoid loving a jerk.html
Avoiding the Drama Triangle http://www.tinatessina.com/avoiding the drama triangle.html

© 2016 Tina B. Tessina Adapted from: How to Be Happy Partners: Working it out Together (Kindle and Paperback)


If you want more, here are some related articles you can download from my website at tinatessina.com/monthly_column.html




10 Reasons for Not Falling in Love
Anger: Cleansing Squall or Hurricane?
Asking for What you Want
Autonomy vs Dependency
Family Violence Q&A
Friends in Need: Interventions for Domestic Violence
From Struggling to Solving
Growing Up As An Adult
Guidelines for Finding and Using Therapy Wisely
How Not to Fight
How to Avoid Financial Infidelity
How to Avoid Loving a Jerk
How to Keep Yourself Out of a Violent Relationship
It’s a Dirty Job
Jealousy, Faithfulness and Distance
Less Talk, More Action
Letting Go Takes Love
Mirrors and Teachers
The Nail in the Fence: Healing Wounds
No Cooperation? Solve it Yourself!
Patterns of Change
Resolving Inner Anarchy
Response Ability
Relationships 101: Do Opposites Attract?
Setting Boundaries and Saying No
Stop Reacting and Start Relating
Stupid Cupid
Surviving Loss & Thriving Again
Technology and Love
Ten Things People Don’t Know About Therapy
To Help An Addicted Friend
Watch Out for Bad Relationship Habits
What Is A Dysfunctional Relationship?
Why Couples Fall Out Of Love
The Worrier's Guidelines
You Be the Judge
Your Primary Relationship

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Wishing you joy,
Tina B. Tessina, PhD
www.tinatessina.com