When you have nothing to say, say nothing. Colton.

Relationship Tips No 226

Yes dear –

I recently read an article that discussed the frequent use of two simple words in relationships – yes dear. Although the article was somewhat interesting, I felt it took an invalidating approach to both men and women. No, I have never watched the TV show Yeas Dear so I can’t comment on its philosophy or how it deals with relationship issues. But, I do assume that since it is a sitcom, it is meant to be funny. Unfortunately many sitcoms although entertaining, tend to degrade men, women or some aspect of relationships.

Yes dear, as a response to your partner, would on the surface seem to be an accommodating approach and a way to avoid conflict, but if you probe deeper you may discover that it may often be a cover for;

- suppressed anger
- inner frustration
- poor communication skills
- a lack of respect for your partner
- the avoidance of conflict
- relationship apathy

Any one of these if allowed to continue unchecked in a relationship will tend to sabotage its intimacy and ultimate success.

Some of you may be thinking, ‘Tim, what difference does it make?’ Others may think I am being far too sensitive and serious. I can tell you that I love to laugh and I love to be entertained. But, I don’t enjoy either at the expense of someone else’s self-esteem, self-worth or validation.

Too many people think that what we say often doesn’t really matter. Well, I am here to tell you that what we say and how we say it is everything. It can mean the difference between success and failure when it comes to relationships. I am not by any means suggesting that we should nit-pik our partners every word. However, I am suggesting that words are ultimately an expression of someone’s real intent and the way in which those words are delivered is sending either congruent or non-congruent message to them.

Effective communication is the glue that keeps relationships on track or derails them. In almost every relationship that is failing, sooner or later one or both partners will say things like;

- we have drifted apart
- we just can’t communicate any more
- our relationship is filled with mis-understanding
- he/she is passive aggressive (they don’t say what they really feel)
- what’s the point all she /he ever does is interrupt, criticize, judge or argue with me

The use of - yes dear – when done for fun or playfulness is not what I am talking about here. It is when these words are used to hide a hidden agenda or real feelings, desires, needs, wants, frustrations etc that we need to be concerned. Better to get this stuff out in the open than to have it fester in one or both of your for years. That is a guaranteed recipe for stress and ultimate poor health and even death and I don’t mean the death of the relationship. According to a several recent studies and surveys, over 85% of all illness is stress related. Stress related illness is considered the number one killer today. So it would appear that you have a choice, get this stuff in the open or let it kill you. Extreme? Maybe and maybe not. Do you want to risk it?

The next time you utter these simple words why not check your intent. Is it avoidance, habit, meant in fun or used for some other reason.