Am feeling rather too lazy, at present, to make a poem out of this initial short-fiction, constructed from ideas gleaned from a couple of paragraphs in Paulo Coelho's The Pilgrimage (which I found lying about at the weekend!) Your comments welcome as to which elements would be your favourites to highlight, should I rewrite it. Thanx :)) xx
JOURNEY AND ARRIVAL
So much water under the bridge; years and years of air miles since their only and chance meeting. And she had no idea why, out of the blue, she thought of him again, in this strange place and instant; found herself looking for him among the bronzed non-locals, among the weathered faces and striped baggy pants of the blonde Europeans, sitting cross-legged on mats, stringing beads and selling trinkets down Puno's main arterial high street, leading out onto Lake Titicaca.
His words came back to her: “You always arrive just at the right time for the one who waits for you”. She stood at the edge of the large expanse of mildly-ruffled water, picked up a stick and stirred a figure of eight into its surface. “I must have been doing it wrong”, she smiled to herself, remembering how she tried what he had said about “conjuring intuition”, placing a little puddle of water onto a smooth sheet of paper at the same time every day in order to study, without judgement or conclusion, the patterns and ripples made by dabbing the pool with her finger. “See what you learn to discern from the watching”, he had said. So, for a week, she watched, she discerned; she was unsure what she had learned, if anything. Then she forgot.
It was time to make her flight connection up to her next assignment in Phoenix, Arizona. She would be sorry to leave South America, with its colourful mix of religions and superstition. Perhaps it was obvious why it was here that she had recalled all this again.
Back at Juliaca airport, the door was ajar to the Dominio de Esperanza y Paz, the multi-faith “quiet” room, frequented by alcohol-soaked travellers and tearful mourners. In all her years of long-haul flights, she had never been into one of these “churches” before but was attracted by the filtered light dazzling off wet pebbles of a bubbling table-top fountain inside. She stood for a moment and gazed mindlessly into its shallow bowl, just listening... Listening. For what, she didn’t know but was sure the ripples were speaking. A moment later, a hand disturbed the water, lazily dragging all five digits across its surface before stopping and very deliberately tracing letters with just the index finger. Her initials.
She looked up. There he was, smiling, his other hand on the handle of her suitcase. He picked it up and turned to go. “We’ve just five minutes to get back to the car”. He spoke as if he’d only briefly left the room they accidently met in fifteen years’ ago. “I only paid for ten minutes parking”.
I loved this story Kate!
I love your thought processors in their meeting!
and feeling like it was just yesterday...Etc.
I want more, and the same mind-set style1
WRITE ON!
Warmest of Blessings and Intrigue, that you mystifyingly put together through your writing! I so missed! Warmest of Blessings and a deeper Love, Warrior Purple Lady SHEExooo
Your work is filled with the creativity of one who can waltz with the wind, exposing the very elements of which your readers grasp for. There is that mysterious and yet realistic adventure that finds itself within our views and thus...we are left to sigh with that emotion you leave us with...
...what a wonderful story is given us here...moments and movement...perhaps a figure eight...and infinite thought...yet traveling wishes and recollection...so well written...as to hold interest wonderfully.
I enjoyed this very much Kate...
John
Crazy girl! You'd got me bawling, and now I'm totally homesick... Poetically speaking, I'd build on the atmosphere of nastalgia and emotional distance, coming forward at the end. I'd certainly keep in all of her thoughts and actions. But I think creating a poem out of this might tear at the structure you're building. What you've got here is a form of writing that I call still shots. This would be two-- each with one place or setting, all of which could be captured with a camera, but with writing instead, a writer's allowed the chance to set the light at whatever with mere words.
Check out my still shots in my short story section for ideas. I can't remember who introduced me to this format-- but it was years ago, back in the mid-eighties at junior college. Anyways, check it out, and then instead of reworking it into a poem, perhaps you'd choose the still-shot option. Just a thought. --Charlie
This is truly captivating, and keeps the reader interesed from the first word to the very last. I agree with Christine that you must continue this powerful journey through mind and soul. Thank you for sharing.
May the Lord Jesus bless you, and those whom you love and who love you, and be with you always, and at your side constantly. With much love in my heart, joy to the world, peace on earth & ((((((((((MANY WONDERFUL SISTERLY HUGGGGSSSS)))))))))), your little sister, Barbie
What a sweet reencounter, Kate. Yes indeed. One would like to know more and yet it is also, it seems to me, a culmination of expectations that have come to fruition. Thank you. Love and best wishes to you,
Puts real meaning into that saying, "When you least expect it, expect it." I love all the little twist and turns in your story. The imary is excellent. Peace, Love, Blessings & Friendship Always, Paul.
hope can get more quarters for the meter ;) a journey well taken even when it seems there's never enough time or too much of it ... either way, it's always something to look forward to and appreciate while it's happening... very vivid, Kate ...
You write so well, Kate, this could be whatever you want it to be.
A poem, yes. But I think it could be stretched a bit into one fine
short story. -gene.
Great writing, Kate, don't change a thing either, me thinks.
I've got to read more of Coehlo, got one from the library, "The Witch
of Portobello", just started it so...look forward to reading more.
Inspiring for sure!
I have to agree with Nicky on this...why change a great thing Sweet Kate. The emotions soar through a spectrum of love, sorry, thoughtful reflection, and in the end satisfaction and the reader shares each one to the max. Which thoughts to focus on...none this tells your story and leaves the readers content...who could really ask for more.
hugs
fee
My goodness Kate, wise construction and fluid thoughts keeping the reader's attention fully intact. Perhaps more background and character development, but otherwise sounds great to me....
This works, as is. Good flash, and from Paraty,Rio,it all makes sense to me, although i havent been into the churches yet! Perhaps a start for a longer short, but i think it leaves the reader fully prepared for an extended daydream - nice! :)xx
i agree with Karla, the scene is secure in your thought pattern and if you indeed follow through with a short, just some deeper character development would be prudent, but a great start is the first thing.
Absolutely could be a poem, not just a story. You have such a way with setting the scene, of developing your characters, of making them believeable: indeed. Jerry's suggestions are spot on. I concur, 1,000 per cent. Well done, Kate.
(((HUGS))) and love, Karla. :)
Merry Christmas!
Reviewed by Jerry Bolton (Reader)
Reviewed on December 8, 2008
Hell yes it could be made into a poem, of course it could, and you will do wonders with it . . . Of course there is so much in this writing that should be included it might possibly become a mini-epic . . . "water under the bridge" / "looking for him among the bronzed non-locals" / "His words came back to her" / "time to make her flight" / "alcohol-soaked travellers and tearful mourners" / "filtered light dazzling off wet pebbles of a bubbling table-top fountain inside" / "gazed mindlessly" / "There he was, smiling" . . .
Wow Kate you had me hooked from the beginning. This is great writing. Hated to see it end. I doubt this could be made into a poem but it would make a great novella if you added to it. It's totally, absolutely, one-hundred percent terrific. I want MORE!
Ah...I must say that I like it entirely the way it is! The imagery is superb, yet it leaves so much up to the imagination. If this was the synopsis on the back of a novel I would have bought the book and begun reading it immediately.
I don't know where to start or finish here Kate.
What springs out at me is the introspection of the central character and the passage of time.The multi faith room also seems pivotal to the whole scenario.
Bon voyage
BEFORE DARKNESS FALLS Retails for 14.95 / but you can have it now for only 11.95 This is a book of poetry and prose that deals with real life issues that all of mankind comes to face. Some of the poems deal with the tenderness of love, while others s
I love your thought processors in their meeting!
and feeling like it was just yesterday...Etc.
I want more, and the same mind-set style1
WRITE ON!
Warmest of Blessings and Intrigue, that you mystifyingly put together through your writing! I so missed! Warmest of Blessings and a deeper Love, Warrior Purple Lady SHEExooo
truly nice work as is Kate...
Art Sun...
I enjoyed this very much Kate...
John
Check out my still shots in my short story section for ideas. I can't remember who introduced me to this format-- but it was years ago, back in the mid-eighties at junior college. Anyways, check it out, and then instead of reworking it into a poem, perhaps you'd choose the still-shot option. Just a thought. --Charlie
May the Lord Jesus bless you, and those whom you love and who love you, and be with you always, and at your side constantly. With much love in my heart, joy to the world, peace on earth & ((((((((((MANY WONDERFUL SISTERLY HUGGGGSSSS)))))))))), your little sister, Barbie
Regis
Puts real meaning into that saying, "When you least expect it, expect it." I love all the little twist and turns in your story. The imary is excellent. Peace, Love, Blessings & Friendship Always, Paul.
In a word - magnificent . . . you are so very talented!!
Hugs,
Lance
A poem, yes. But I think it could be stretched a bit into one fine
short story. -gene.
Carole~
I've got to read more of Coehlo, got one from the library, "The Witch
of Portobello", just started it so...look forward to reading more.
Inspiring for sure!
hugs
fee
Be always safe,
Karen
randy
(((HUGS))) and love, Karla. :)
Merry Christmas!
Those, along with everything else will put
(((HUGS))) and much love, your friend in America, Karen Lynn in Texas. :D X0X0X0X0
Cryssa :~)
What springs out at me is the introspection of the central character and the passage of time.The multi faith room also seems pivotal to the whole scenario.
Bon voyage
Peter