To make sure that every person I meet finds me inoffensive.

To convince all my friends and relatives that I'm smarter than they.

To learn everything there is to know about all celebrities.

To persuade everyone that I make ten thousand a year more than I do.

To distill everything I know into fifty words.

To acquire the world's largest collection of anything: cookbooks, one-night stands, hundred-dollar bills.

To read books my neighbor will never hear of.

To assure my cat there's no one more compassionate than me.

To sleep as much as I can, still keeping a room for my bed.