i waited

i hadn't planned
what to do
with you
when i found
you
just that
i would do something

decisive
in my
emotional fog

i went through
your life
not careful
to put things in
their place
looking for a reason
some proof
a picture
to gift me
with rationale

there was none
and so in your
bedroom

i waited

when you came
i felt relief
that you hadn't changed
and felt the cool
heavy steel
lying sleepily
in my hand

we walked

down hushed
alleys
and barren lots
until the bridge loomed
on our horizon

i prayed for
a miracle

on the edge
of the black
sensuous sea
you talked
i listened
hoping to hear
something
to change my mind

i waited

i looked
and looked
in your face
looking to release you
from what my hand
had decided

my hand
didn't wait

we parted
on the water
and as you fell
you curled up
as if to sleep
like the infant
you stole from
my heart

falling
you returned
to beauty
and i
waiting for relief
cursed you
in envy