The agony of love is more painful than I remember. The new medication won’t work because it’s for my mind, not my heart, and while everyone thinks the mind is a powerful thing, I am here to say that the heart is even more powerful.

I can’t help but cry. The red lights of the train remind me that Christmas is near, and the train reminds me that you sat in one of its seats this morning, this afternoon. The signal lights scream, “CHRISTMAS!” and the yellow cones in front of your house whisper, “look this way.” I’m tired of looking down your street, but no matter how I try to control it, I fail.

I want it to snow.

I want it to snow so that our city will be covered and we cannot escape our houses, and this way I won’t cry in my car, and I won’t pass by your house, and I won’t be reminded of Christmas by silly train lights. I will just sit in my cozy red room and let the vibrations from Tori Amos’ voice vibrate against my hands as I share my secrets of you with my pretty white laptop.

And when it snows I will think of you, but just because everything reminds me of you. Do you remember when we talked about what people should do in short-term relationships as opposed to long-term ones? I barely remember, but I remember that we agreed one should not say the words, “I love you,” if they were planning on having a short-term relationship. Two days later, you told me, “I love you.” Seventeen days after that you told me that you wouldn’t let yourself have me, and you left me.

I tell myself that things are going to change. My heart is going to toughen up, get its act together, and move on. How long is that supposed to take? My mind is competing for the spotlight, but my heart isn’t finished with its sad little song, and I wonder how much longer I can go on like this, with the aching and the misery and the pain love is putting me through.

I am alone now. And I will drink the booze I love so much, and I will take too many pills so that I don’t have to stare at the glow-in-the-dark stars on my ceiling and think of you. Because everything reminds me of you, even my silly stars. Lucky for me, I have the memory of looking at the stars (and Mars, too) with you. You slept in the car, and I drove, only occasionally watching you sleep. I cradled your face for a bit, but you didn’t feel it because you can’t feel anything.

I know that I will love you until my very last breath. Strange that I know I will be thinking of you during my last breath…I guess because everything reminds me of you.