Dear Dad,

Today I stumbled across an agenda of mine with reminders to love people, and reminders to forget people, and reminders to pay my bills. You weren't on it though, and I wonder if maybe I'm finally getting over you. Can that really happen? I don't think so. Maybe I won't be able to get over you until I can get over myself - or discover who I really am - whichever comes first.

But if you were here, this agenda wouldn't be so empty. I know that it would be full of "go shopping with dad" and "buy dad's birthday present" and "movie and popcorn today with dad - my place." But you're not here. You're nowhere. You are nothing that I can describe or love or miss or cry to. Sometimes I cry to you, but only in my mind...and you know, that's not really so fair. I feel like I'm crazy - crying to you when you aren't anywhere.

Still, I know the look upon your face when I succeed. I know how you feel when I fail.

I wonder if maybe one day you'll want to go see a movie? You already know that I don't like scary movies - and you know how my depression can't handle the sad ones - you know. I am you. I am what you made.

If you were here, I would take your breath away. You would be so proud at what I've become. You'd want to listen to my stories, and focus on my constant re-evaluations of myself. I know you would. You know it too, you're just too proud to admit it.

I miss you, dad. I miss what you never were, and what you'll never be, and where I'll never find you. Still, I'll wait. I'll just wait. And in the meantime, I'll continue crying to you, even if you aren't anywhere.

Mia