I stood in front of the bathroom,
Looking,
Wondering,
Waiting,
For the right moment to enter.
As I walked into the small square place, I contemplated what was about to happen, the cares and trials that were to be relinquished, and the purification that would take place after.
I close the door,
In the bathroom,
And I cry.

I sit onto the oval place where all of my waste and garbage will be released,
I try my best to hold it in, but it forces its way out bit by bit,
The pain,
The hurt,
The fear,
The lost love,
The anguish
For I know that I can’t move on until this heavy luggage that I’ve been carrying along inside of me is emancipated,
Free,
Released from me, who has been holding it all in since the beginning of love, a word that comes and goes and comes again but yet I search for the true meaning,
Feeling,
Of it and have not yet found that love which Paul speaks of so dearly in his letter to Corinth, so I settle for a false,
Artificial,
Fictitious,
Pseudo replacement of the actual, and this falseness fills up my inner being with hurt,
And distress,
And I ache, which leads me to the place where I am now,
In the bathroom,
And I cry.

Exhausted, yet liberated, I get up from the spot where I sit; feelings of a heavy load let go making me feel uneasy,
Confused,
Afraid,
Of what the future might hold for me now that I am vulnerable…
Vulnerable? I will not be, but strong I am now. The game is now finished no longer am I the instrument used for playing, but the referee…. Who calls the shots, fouls, and goals of my life.
Vulnerable? I will be, for my heart is open and willing to love again.
Vulnerable? Possibly, but my eyes are open and my mind is clear to see the traps that have been placed before me. My heart now protected…not by walls, but by God.
All of these things are part of the consecration that took so long to get to and now I wait,
In the bathroom,
And I cry.

I step into the shower and anxiously turn on the water, but the pressure is too great as the pure but strong liquid touches my bare skin,
So I step back,
Afraid of what this new cleansing may bring. Now that the load has been released, the healing begins with this purification process…
As I cleanse and cleanse I feel the dirt of the past being washed away, the soap of Christ reminding me once again of what I was sent here for, the smell of pure sweetness and I know it must be God…. Calling me once again but this time I answer,
And I laugh at all the pain that could have been avoided had I followed His path…
For the first time in a long time I feel….
I feel….
Like I can feel,
Sense,
Experience Christ once again in my life, and all the blessings that HE can bestow on me, and I am whole again,
In the bathroom,
And I cry.

And then he comes…Selah
Into my shower with me,
A place of exposure, where one is susceptible to much, but impervious to more,
This is not a stranger, but someone I know. Someone from a past not far away, but unknown.
As he touches me, I feel his sincerity in my soul; he touches not my body,
But my spirit and my heart,
His presence brings me comfort and…
Worry.
Worry that this might once again be that
False,
Artificial,
Fictitious thing that I once fell for, so I turn away in the opposite direction to no avail,
For he begins to wash,
To bathe my back, as the water of life runs down
And down.
He aids in this cleansing process that had already begun, removing the grief of the past and replacing it with a sweet fragrance that fills the air,
And I sniff
And I like what I smell and want more of it,
More of the words that he says,
More of the voice that I hear,
More of his tenderness that I can feel…
And we stay in that place and I consider the joy of the future…
Whatever it may hold…
In the bathroom
And I smile…