After a fabulous discussion with Kate Burnside on "scuppered" vs "scuttled", I've rewritten a poem with a lighter twist.
I am breathing-in the depths of your Ocean,
while wave upon wave of your air
laps about me.
I have pulled in my nets and dived overboard,
un-skippered my skiff, cast my lot in with yours,
and leapt—plunged
like an alien flying fish into your world.
Gills all a-gape,
I am not yet left gasping,
but gulping-in your murk
that's like magic to me.
So let the white ships slip weightless
like skipping stones across the sky,
Let their worries dissolve and ripple behind them!
I will simply lie in the bottom of your ocean.
I am scuppered—bound—overwhelmed by all this
air about me.
Elemental bliss, wonderfully floating ant flowing. I can't believe you have adopted the essence of water and the presence of the ocean, departing from your beloved earth! Very passionate and baroque, I like this new facet.
Reviewed by D. Vegas (Reader)
Reviewed on May 18, 2015
Falling in love, nothing else matters...wanting
to be with your always! Love the way you wrote
this, using the ocean for the depths of love...
This is a delightful reworking, Charlie, and I'm thrilled that our little conflab has resulted in this energetic and lively piece - as you say, quite a contrast to the original which is PERFECT for the setting as described in your author's note; don't think I had appreciated that when I commented! :) Love 'un-skippered my skiff' and all the a-gape, gasping, gulping with the murk of magic. Thank you so much for acting on our exchange and for diving in with the fresh ideas it gave rise to. This is as teasing as a mermaid - and as sensually slippery with all the gorgeous 's' sounds. Fabulous! xx
I like this one... it is a little different from your ordinary because it seems more light-hearted and more surface based--not one that you have to wade through to disect the real intent behind the words.
Welcome to Hell on Earth, boys.
Andersonville POW camp...
Russell's battle-worn body looked defeated. He was a Union soldier; she was a Confederate nurse. But when Rosa looked into his eyes, she saw pure determination. He looked fo
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to be with your always! Love the way you wrote
this, using the ocean for the depths of love...
Always,
Deborah
I'm sorry, but I couldn't help thinking about the StarKist mascot, Charlie the Tuna. ;-)
Ron
Regis
Blessings,
Christine
Cryssa